a year ago

This is what I was looking at when I found out that I got a job in Seattle. I was taking a walk at a park in North Canton, Ohio. A whole year has passed since I made this move. So much has happened. Quack.

Take care of yourself!

I was having a rough morning this morning.  Everything was going wrong.  I was getting to my boiling point, and then I stopped and went to Golden Gardens.  I sat on a piece of driftwood and looked down.  Someone wrote  "Jesus loves you" on the wood.  It was pretty without the graffiti but I guess I was supposed to see that today.  I know I am loved.  I know I need to stop worrying and start doing.  I will attract the right things when I am following the right path.  Things that don't go the way I wish they would, they are out of my control.  I am not privy to the big picture, so when things don't turn out, I wish I could go with the flow.  Resistance to change and disappointment are futile.

I can do this.  I can handle what life give me and make better choices.  Make loving choices.  One day at a time!  Focus!

This is my life.  This is my day to do with what I need to make it better.  What choices will I make today?  What can I do right now?  I don't have to have all the answers right now.  I don't have to feel stuck.  That is my own fault if that happens.  I don't have to feel down, or lazy, or depressed.  I can do what I need to do to get things done.  I have ME.  I don't have to have anyone else to lean on financially.  I have to be smart.  I can't expect to make more money if I don't make a change.  I have to work hard to get to the next step in my life.

I don't need the past to remind me of loves lost.  I don't need the burden of hurt.  What lesson am I to learn from ghosts from my past?  It isn't helping me.  Let it go, let it go.  Whatever life takes away from me, let it go.  Resurrecting the past doesn't allow me to move into my future.  I can pray, I can send love and light.  I can focus on myself, and being a healthy kind soul.  That is the ONLY thing I can control.  Right now I feel like I am out of control.  Lost my focus.

What makes this journey worth living?  Being true to myself?  Being honest, real, and kind?  It isn't healthy to try to save anyone.  To offer unsolicited help.  To be co-dependent.  Why does this have to be my pattern?  It is not helpful to ANYONE, and it is not my job.  It is a lot easier to get caught up in someone else's problems than to examine yourself.
I saw a woman walking a blind dog over the weekend.  The dog had fear until she heard the woman's voice encouraging her.  "Come on Muppet, you're a good girl, you can do it."  I feel like that sometimes.  Like I need to hear the voices of encouragement and get approval from people I care about to make sure I am doing this right.  Do I really need to hear the external voices or can I rely on the internal voice to confidently guide me.  We are all searching blindly.

It looks like this rock was smiling at me while I was taking my walk today.
I keep asking why why why did I come here?  What is my purpose for being in Seattle?  What is the point of this move and the sacrifice of friends and family time that I miss back home?  My answer today very clearly is to HEAL.  This is what my purpose is in Seattle, and I need to allow it.  There is no where more healing for me than the ocean.  Ever since I was a child, I have always loved the sounds, the sight, the taste the smells of the sea.  I have felt drawn to it.  It is where I feel closest to God.  It brings me peace like nothing else.  Every time I am there, I am able to get a realistic perspective on my life.  I am able to be calm. The healing tears mix with the salty sea air and my cries mingle with those of the seals and the seagulls.  Finding sea glass, stones and shells, takes my mind off the stresses of the day.

Do any of us really have a clue why we're here on this planet?  We distract ourselves with television, drama, entertainment, routine, trying to fix other people's problems.  We shovel food in our faces, indulge in alcohol to feel numb, whatever obsessive behavior or addiction we may have.  Everyone is addicted to something or someone.  It is human nature.  It certainly would be helpful to be addicted to exercise rather than comfort food or cigarettes.
What's it all about?  Why are we here?
What is the purpose of my life?  Why do I struggle from paycheck to paycheck?  Will I ever have enough money set aside when it is time for me to retire or will I continue to struggle my whole life?  Is this character building?  Will I ever figure out what I want to do with my life?  Everyday that passes by, new wrinkles in the mirror.  Another year passes by.  I glimpse ghosts of different paths I hopped off of to go a different way.  There could have been marriage somewhere along that earlier path, children.  Maybe stability, probably not, hard to find stability when you can't find a partner who is mentally sound.  Nothing is certain though.  Anyone's life can change in a flash.
Will I ever meet my soul mate?  A kind man who isn't hiding anything, who will treat me with kindness and respect?  I know this will not happen until I treat myself with kindness and respect.  The ghosts of my past reflect my self image, mirroring the way I felt about myself.  Clearly, I was attracting what I thought I deserved.
When I think about my struggles I feel guilty because there are lot of people in the world struggling so much more than me.  That doesn't make my struggles any less real, and there is no reason to invalidate myself.  I am entitled to my feelings and I am embracing the fact that my life is messy.  Just like everyone else.

Relationships are complicated.  Boundaries.  The fine line.  How do you support someone without getting emotionally attached.  How do you show friendship without becoming entwined?  There are instances when I feel like I am pouring myself out to the point of being drained dry and not receiving anything in return.  How is that OK?  Why do I allow energy vampires?  Why am I attracted to these types of personalities?  Do we need each other to thrive?  Is that just part of the balance of the universe?  Give to those who don't know how to reciprocate?  Or worse yet, just take advantage of others and don't care.  What in the world would I do if I found a man who did fill me?  The thought feels almost foreign, as I have adopted a pattern of unbalanced relationships.  Give give give, and soak up the scraps I get back like a starving dog.  That is bullshit. I don't accept it anymore.  It is hard to step away because I know why people are assholes, everyone has a story.  I just don't have to be the one sacrificing my dignity to make someone feel better about their personality defects.
This beautiful place of healing, hasn't been able to do it's work because I have been distracted.  Being co-dependent in nature has kept me from focusing on myself.  The ocean the healing power of the ocean, soul filling and calming to me.  I accept the reason for being in Seattle.  To heal.  Let it begin.
So maybe I need to update my blog more often so that I don't vomit all the words all at once and sound like a crazy person!

patience and silent anger

I learned something the other day when I visited a Buddhist temple and I was listening to the monk's message.  There is a big difference between patience and sitting in angry silence.  To truly be patient, is to feel completely ok with your current situation.  To be at peace with your thoughts and not to allow circumstances to get in the way of that peace.  To practice true patience is to give up all the things that aren't healthy for our minds.  Poison thoughts.  One way is to always think the best of others.  To recognize the weakness I may have, but not to dwell upon them.  Think upon good things and if I don't accept the current situation, take the steps needed to make it better.  If I can't be at peace with my current situation, then I am not practicing true patience.

I am choosing to wave goodbye to the past.  I choose a path that builds energy and enlightens.

my voice

 Not sure why I don't say what I am thinking or feeling sometimes.  The voice, my voice is ignored by me.  My thoughts tossed aside, unheard.  I feel like I am shouting but there aren't any words coming out.  If I ignore my voice how can I expect anyone else to listen?  I act as if my opinion does not matter and instead I play along.  I don't understand myself sometimes.  What do I really want?

 If you aren't willing to truly let down the walls then the baring of the truth cannot be revealed.  Oh the protective walls I've built all around me.  My flesh, my fantasies blocking me from true happiness.  Just enjoy and relax.  I don't need to figure everything out right now.

No matter how different our personalities are we are all connected by the need to be loved and understood.  We desire, we want to be accepted and held.  We want the people we love to be proud of us.  Our worth is determined by how much we value ourselves.  What is important, and what makes us feel like a success or a failure?
I want to find my voice once again.

breaking out of the shell

Do we ever really start over from scratch.  How do you remove the stains and cracks and aches from the past?  Is it possible to look upon the world with a fresh perspective?  I tear away at the dead layers of past skin that doesn't matter anymore.  Wiser, stronger, more aware.  There is a line to walk between being cautious and scared.
There is always risk involved when you are vulnerable to another person.  It is exciting to get to know someone new.  New eyes look upon my glow, new words, thoughts, new music to match my dance.  Trust it and go with the flow.  A hand in my hand grasping gently in the direction of a new adventure.  It is foggy and beautiful, and the time is right for enjoying the moments as they come.
A chance that is taken is better than remaining in my protective shell.

i like

six months

 This picture above was taken at Volunteer Park Cafe in North Capitol Hill.  The tea I was drinking was called Harmony.  It was wonderful. 

So I found a moment to sit at a cafe and write.  It is a Sunday afternoon and I am sipping a mug of mint tea in Wallingford.  I am at Irwin's Bakery and Coffee Shop on the corner of N 40th St and Bagley Ave. N. The street is busier than I was hoping for as far as being peaceful but that is when you have to find the peace within and drown out the noise around you.

I just spent the last few hours walking around the arboretum with one of my friends.  I didn't feel like probing him with questions today.  I just wanted peace for myself and spent some time reflecting.  We spent a lot of our time together in silence.  It is a beautiful beginning of fall and I am in love with this place and this season.

I am blessed to have a steady income.  I am blessed with a job.  

I appreciate the opportunity to take all of this in, the beauty I witnessed yesterday was one of the most amazing sites I've ever seen in my life.

 The smell of the flowers, the perfection of nature, the scenery that looks like a postcard.  Mount Rainier is magnificent, and this place is called Paradise.  It reminded me of the movie What Dreams May Come.  It felt like being in a fantasy location.  The pictures do not do this place justice.  

I am where I am meant to be.  God is revealing his blessings to me, the gifts of friendships, the gifts of nature, the gifts of life and awareness.  I am so grateful for everything.  Thank you God so much for blessing me.  I am so overwhelmed with gratitude. 

There is a time and a season for everything and this is a season of reflection and a time for gratitude.  I smell chocolate chip cookies baking as I watch leaves whirl in little wind storms around my feet.  I am listening to Hildegard Von Bingen and enjoying the afternoon sun on the back of my neck.

Six months I have been in Seattle and I have settled into a new life.  I have made friends. My familiar is pleasing to me, the sights I behold while in the daily grind.  I smell the scent of roasting coffee beans every morning as a drive through Fremont.  I see the Space Needle everyday, and Lake Washington.  On a clear day I can see Mount Rainier, and on a hazy one, I know it is there.

I am so happy for this moment. I feel at peace right now.

nostalgia

This is one of the songs that reminds me of my first love.   I wanted to move to Seattle over a decade ago, and because that love relationship fell apart, I stopped trying to live that dream.  Now I am here.  I didn't expect it.  Had I made that move years ago there is so much that has happened since then that has shaped me into the person that I am that I would have missed.  There are wonderful people that I wouldn't have met.  Lips I wouldn't have kissed.  The timing is God's timing, and when I try to rush into things, it doesn't work out.  The worry and the anxiety, doesn't need to be. 
I was digging through all my boxes searching for the title to my vehicle the past couple of days and I kept finding things that reminded me of the struggles and pain I went through this past year.  It unearthed the feelings that I have been avoiding or maybe I have pushed below the surface.  Reminders of mistakes I have made.
My mom has been such an encouraging person in my life.  I have found so many cards, letters and little notes that she has given me over the years.  I laughed and cried and dug through the next box and found more. 
When I realize that I have moved so far away from my family and friends, it is bittersweet.  I am doing what I wanted, and they encouraged me, but I feel like there are things that I am missing there.  I can't just hang out with my mom any time I want.  I can't drive over to my best friend's house to help her paint her kitchen.  Our lives go on and they are voices on the phone, and they live their lives and I live mine.  Parallel, but not directly intertwined.
I don't know what the future will be for me.  Something led me to this place.  After all the searching, the title was in the first box that I had opened, right where I thought it was all along.  Now all the boxes are everywhere and and I will have to put everything back in place.  I guess it was time for the reminders.

undertow

i am loving this song.

promises to myself

1. watch more sunsets
2. breathe deeply
3. listen to my intuition
4. go for hikes
5. take chances
6. be a light

The beautiful connection

the crumbling
falling down
being gentle and kind
safely release
and watch it drift away
like a leaf on a river

 we do what we want
trying to make things feel good
trying to make it all make sense
make it work
make up
we wear make up to cover up
what we don't want to see
or enhance the face of truth to
pull out the beauty
that lies
lies lies lies
to ourselves
to seal
the wounds that tear open
when we reveal too much

sometimes i seem to forget myself and what makes me unique.  I really love who I am and I don't really love how I feel when i forget who I am.  It sucks to lose myself and it sends me into chaos and confusion.  It is ok to cry because I hurt or because I am happy.  It is authentic and true and it comes from a pure place.  I don't apologize or feel like I am weak.  I am strong and I have intense feelings, things are always enhanced for me and I am grateful.  This is why I must write.  This is my gift, I can make the world around me come to life with my words and my emotions and I can share it.  I have lots of stories pouring out of me.  Journals filled with my words, and more to come.  I have music surrounding me and each day is a sweet melodic gift.  So many things I want to experience.  There need not be darkness clouding over me.   I don't want the sadness to keep me down.  I will allow the mourning and the tears to flow and then let it go and go forward into the next day.  The place where I am is where I am supposed to be and I am grateful for all of it. 

questions

When I see the sea once more
will the sea have seen or not seen me?

Why do the waves ask me
the same questions I ask them?

And why do they strike the rock
with so much wasted passion?

Don't they get tired of repeating
their declaration to the sand?

-Pablo Neuruda from The Book of Questions

my heart is holding back

my heart is holding back all the love i want to pour out onto another.  this is not the time for it.  i feel my feelings growing in my safety zone fantasy world yet again, and i stop myself.  the ebb and flow like the ocean waters, learning my lessons from past experiences.  i feel gushy and lovey in a world of make believe then i become aware of my pattern, and i pull away.  fantasy does not bring satisfaction, it is a false sense of comfort, and i refuse to allow myself to entertain it's empty rewards.  there is joy and beauty in friendship, but acknowledging boundaries is healthy.  flirtations and silly daydreams are fun but they distract me from my true desires.  why can't i turn that fantasy love into real self love instead?  i can, actually and i am making up my mind right now to practice self love.  exercise, prayer, meditation, eating healthy food, and practicing self awareness.  if i do not feel comfortable in my own skin then i need to do something about it.  i know i can because i have done it before.  so here it goes, "operation chelle in shape" begins now.  starts today.  i am determined and focused.  i am ready now.  i will track my calories and join a gym.  i have a lot more confidence in myself and more energy when i am taking care of my body.

the happy ever after girl

had a lovely weekend filled with yummy blackberry spice and lavender vanilla martinis at the chapel, goth club dancing at the mercury,  2 am sidewalk dancing next to my truck, good friends, craft time, Ingrid Michaelson, Avett Brothers, Sammy Davis Jr., homemade oyster mushroom and artichoke pizza, dandelion botanical co. chai, kumbucha, a little toeheaded giggle monster, Puget Sound waves, bubble bath. . .

my heart smiles

There's a charmer who mesmerizes
there's a voice that soothes
there's music to calm
there's a mirror to reflect
there's trust to test
can I take the plunge?
feel pretty confident
I can trust
surprisingly I've found trust
regardless of the past
showing myself the
changes in my life
are pulling me into the truest
state of me
where I shine the most
where I attract
what my heart desires
love, kindness, serenity,
laughter,
friendship,
soulful connection,
my heart smiles.

my guardian angel

I know you watch over me. <3

and she knows

and she knows someday 

she will fall in love again

and she won't chase it down 

like a dream she cannot catch

it will come 

and it will be easy

like a hand slipping into another hand

comfortable and warm

it will not feel like running into a brick wall

instead it will energize and renew

she will feel at ease

at home

he won't be a false prophet

he will be as he appears

the truth on the surface

no need to dive and drown

"Inside myself is a place where I live all alone and that is where I renew my springs that never dry up." 

-Pearl S. Buck

strange day

up and down and all over the place.  that is how i feel sometimes.

I glow today and the tears fade away
they absorb into smiles
and dry even in the Seattle rain
the days in Pittsburgh enter my mind
the clouds of darkness
thick with depression and soul sadness
my gentle spirit with daily wounds
now healing in a comforting nest
I feel like I have found my home.

we do the best we can-sometimes we fall down and sometimes we have to pick ourselves up and keep going.  Who really knows what all of this means.  Why we're here or what happens when we die.  Be kind. Be real. Be genuine.  Let life take it's course.  What am I doing with my life?  What is the purpose of our being here?
I seek the truth.  I long for meaningful connection.  I seek protection for my sensitive heart.  Direction for my longing soul.  I feel the anger and hurt washing away but now what?  I moved myself across the USA. . .  What happens now?  Where does this path lead?
Sometimes I feel so far away, the distance between me and all that I have known.  But I know I needed to do this.  I can't hug anyone from this far away but my heart is with them.

life's soundtrack. . .

just listen to this while doing mundane activities that take up our lives, it will make it feel a little more like an adventure.  I promise. . .

what i do when i can't sleep

From Movies

click on pic, and it will take you to a video. . .Tool is the band.  Song is called Disposition.

I stuck it on youtube too. . .