Monkeys and Teapots

patience and silent anger

2012-01-12T04:31:00.000-05:00

I learned something the other day when I visited a Buddhist temple and I was listening to the monk's message. There is a big difference between patience and sitting in angry silence. To truly be patient, is to feel completely ok with your current situation. To be at peace with your thoughts and not to allow circumstances to get in the way of that peace. To practice true patience is to give up all the things that aren't healthy for our minds. Poison thoughts. One way is to always think the best of others. To recognize the weakness I may have, but not to dwell upon them. Think upon good things and if I don't accept the current situation, take the steps needed to make it better. If I can't be at peace with my current situation, then I am not practicing true patience.

I am choosing to wave goodbye to the past. I choose a path that builds energy and enlightens.

my voice

2011-11-28T00:01:00.000-05:00

Not sure why I don't say what I am thinking or feeling sometimes. The voice, my voice is ignored by me. My thoughts tossed aside, unheard. I feel like I am shouting but there aren't any words coming out. If I ignore my voice how can I expect anyone else to listen? I act as if my opinion does not matter and instead I play along. I don't understand myself sometimes. What do I really want?

If you aren't willing to truly let down the walls then the baring of the truth cannot be revealed. Oh the protective walls I've built all around me. My flesh, my fantasies blocking me from true happiness. Just enjoy and relax. I don't need to figure everything out right now.

No matter how different our personalities are we are all connected by the need to be loved and understood. We desire, we want to be accepted and held. We want the people we love to be proud of us. Our worth is determined by how much we value ourselves. What is important, and what makes us feel like a success or a failure?
I want to find my voice once again.

breaking out of the shell

2011-11-03T02:50:00.000-04:00

Do we ever really start over from scratch. How do you remove the stains and cracks and aches from the past? Is it possible to look upon the world with a fresh perspective? I tear away at the dead layers of past skin that doesn't matter anymore. Wiser, stronger, more aware. There is a line to walk between being cautious and scared.
There is always risk involved when you are vulnerable to another person. It is exciting to get to know someone new. New eyes look upon my glow, new words, thoughts, new music to match my dance. Trust it and go with the flow. A hand in my hand grasping gently in the direction of a new adventure. It is foggy and beautiful, and the time is right for enjoying the moments as they come.
A chance that is taken is better than remaining in my protective shell.

i like

2011-10-27T19:18:00.000-04:00

six months

2011-09-26T03:38:00.000-04:00

This picture above was taken at Volunteer Park Cafe in North Capitol Hill. The tea I was drinking was called Harmony. It was wonderful.

So I found a moment to sit at a cafe and write. It is a Sunday afternoon and I am sipping a mug of mint tea in Wallingford. I am at Irwin's Bakery and Coffee Shop on the corner of N 40th St and Bagley Ave. N. The street is busier than I was hoping for as far as being peaceful but that is when you have to find the peace within and drown out the noise around you.

I just spent the last few hours walking around the arboretum with one of my friends. I didn't feel like probing him with questions today. I just wanted peace for myself and spent some time reflecting. We spent a lot of our time together in silence. It is a beautiful beginning of fall and I am in love with this place and this season.

I am blessed to have a steady income. I am blessed with a job.

I appreciate the opportunity to take all of this in, the beauty I witnessed yesterday was one of the most amazing sites I've ever seen in my life.

The smell of the flowers, the perfection of nature, the scenery that looks like a postcard. Mount Rainier is magnificent, and this place is called Paradise. It reminded me of the movie What Dreams May Come. It felt like being in a fantasy location. The pictures do not do this place justice.

I am where I am meant to be. God is revealing his blessings to me, the gifts of friendships, the gifts of nature, the gifts of life and awareness. I am so grateful for everything. Thank you God so much for blessing me. I am so overwhelmed with gratitude.

There is a time and a season for everything and this is a season of reflection and a time for gratitude. I smell chocolate chip cookies baking as I watch leaves whirl in little wind storms around my feet. I am listening to Hildegard Von Bingen and enjoying the afternoon sun on the back of my neck.

Six months I have been in Seattle and I have settled into a new life. I have made friends. My familiar is pleasing to me, the sights I behold while in the daily grind. I smell the scent of roasting coffee beans every morning as a drive through Fremont. I see the Space Needle everyday, and Lake Washington. On a clear day I can see Mount Rainier, and on a hazy one, I know it is there.

I am so happy for this moment. I feel at peace right now.

nostalgia

2011-09-19T04:14:00.000-04:00

This is one of the songs that reminds me of my first love. I wanted to move to Seattle over a decade ago, and because that love relationship fell apart, I stopped trying to live that dream. Now I am here. I didn't expect it. Had I made that move years ago there is so much that has happened since then that has shaped me into the person that I am that I would have missed. There are wonderful people that I wouldn't have met. Lips I wouldn't have kissed. The timing is God's timing, and when I try to rush into things, it doesn't work out. The worry and the anxiety, doesn't need to be.
I was digging through all my boxes searching for the title to my vehicle the past couple of days and I kept finding things that reminded me of the struggles and pain I went through this past year. It unearthed the feelings that I have been avoiding or maybe I have pushed below the surface. Reminders of mistakes I have made.
My mom has been such an encouraging person in my life. I have found so many cards, letters and little notes that she has given me over the years. I laughed and cried and dug through the next box and found more.
When I realize that I have moved so far away from my family and friends, it is bittersweet. I am doing what I wanted, and they encouraged me, but I feel like there are things that I am missing there. I can't just hang out with my mom any time I want. I can't drive over to my best friend's house to help her paint her kitchen. Our lives go on and they are voices on the phone, and they live their lives and I live mine. Parallel, but not directly intertwined.
I don't know what the future will be for me. Something led me to this place. After all the searching, the title was in the first box that I had opened, right where I thought it was all along. Now all the boxes are everywhere and and I will have to put everything back in place. I guess it was time for the reminders.

undertow

2011-09-09T01:14:00.001-04:00

i am loving this song.

promises to myself

2011-09-07T02:54:00.000-04:00

1. watch more sunsets
2. breathe deeply
3. listen to my intuition
4. go for hikes
5. take chances
6. be a light

The beautiful connection

2011-08-16T02:29:00.000-04:00

the crumbling
falling down
being gentle and kind
safely release
and watch it drift away
like a leaf on a river

we do what we want
trying to make things feel good
trying to make it all make sense
make it work
make up
we wear make up to cover up
what we don't want to see
or enhance the face of truth to
pull out the beauty
that lies
lies lies lies
to ourselves
to seal
the wounds that tear open
when we reveal too much

sometimes i seem to forget myself and what makes me unique. I really love who I am and I don't really love how I feel when i forget who I am. It sucks to lose myself and it sends me into chaos and confusion. It is ok to cry because I hurt or because I am happy. It is authentic and true and it comes from a pure place. I don't apologize or feel like I am weak. I am strong and I have intense feelings, things are always enhanced for me and I am grateful. This is why I must write. This is my gift, I can make the world around me come to life with my words and my emotions and I can share it. I have lots of stories pouring out of me. Journals filled with my words, and more to come. I have music surrounding me and each day is a sweet melodic gift. So many things I want to experience. There need not be darkness clouding over me. I don't want the sadness to keep me down. I will allow the mourning and the tears to flow and then let it go and go forward into the next day. The place where I am is where I am supposed to be and I am grateful for all of it.

questions

2011-08-05T00:57:00.000-04:00

When I see the sea once more
will the sea have seen or not seen me?

Why do the waves ask me
the same questions I ask them?

And why do they strike the rock
with so much wasted passion?

Don't they get tired of repeating
their declaration to the sand?

-Pablo Neuruda from The Book of Questions

my heart is holding back

2011-07-24T17:55:00.000-04:00

my heart is holding back all the love i want to pour out onto another. this is not the time for it. i feel my feelings growing in my safety zone fantasy world yet again, and i stop myself. the ebb and flow like the ocean waters, learning my lessons from past experiences. i feel gushy and lovey in a world of make believe then i become aware of my pattern, and i pull away. fantasy does not bring satisfaction, it is a false sense of comfort, and i refuse to allow myself to entertain it's empty rewards. there is joy and beauty in friendship, but acknowledging boundaries is healthy. flirtations and silly daydreams are fun but they distract me from my true desires. why can't i turn that fantasy love into real self love instead? i can, actually and i am making up my mind right now to practice self love. exercise, prayer, meditation, eating healthy food, and practicing self awareness. if i do not feel comfortable in my own skin then i need to do something about it. i know i can because i have done it before. so here it goes, "operation chelle in shape" begins now. starts today. i am determined and focused. i am ready now. i will track my calories and join a gym. i have a lot more confidence in myself and more energy when i am taking care of my body.

the happy ever after girl

2011-07-18T03:26:00.000-04:00

had a lovely weekend filled with yummy blackberry spice and lavender vanilla martinis at the chapel, goth club dancing at the mercury, 2 am sidewalk dancing next to my truck, good friends, craft time, Ingrid Michaelson, Avett Brothers, Sammy Davis Jr., homemade oyster mushroom and artichoke pizza, dandelion botanical co. chai, kumbucha, a little toeheaded giggle monster, Puget Sound waves, bubble bath. . .

my heart smiles

2011-07-01T03:47:00.000-04:00

There's a charmer who mesmerizes
there's a voice that soothes
there's music to calm
there's a mirror to reflect
there's trust to test
can I take the plunge?
feel pretty confident
I can trust
surprisingly I've found trust
regardless of the past
showing myself the
changes in my life
are pulling me into the truest
state of me
where I shine the most
where I attract
what my heart desires
love, kindness, serenity,
laughter,
friendship,
soulful connection,
my heart smiles.

my guardian angel

2011-06-15T01:59:00.000-04:00

I know you watch over me. <3

and she knows

2011-06-08T00:56:00.001-04:00

and she knows someday

she will fall in love again

and she won't chase it down

like a dream she cannot catch

it will come

and it will be easy

like a hand slipping into another hand

comfortable and warm

it will not feel like running into a brick wall

instead it will energize and renew

she will feel at ease

at home

he won't be a false prophet

he will be as he appears

the truth on the surface

no need to dive and drown

"Inside myself is a place where I live all alone and that is where I renew my springs that never dry up."

-Pearl S. Buck

strange day

2011-06-03T02:04:00.000-04:00

up and down and all over the place. that is how i feel sometimes.

I glow today and the tears fade away
they absorb into smiles
and dry even in the Seattle rain
the days in Pittsburgh enter my mind
the clouds of darkness
thick with depression and soul sadness
my gentle spirit with daily wounds
now healing in a comforting nest
I feel like I have found my home.

we do the best we can-sometimes we fall down and sometimes we have to pick ourselves up and keep going. Who really knows what all of this means. Why we're here or what happens when we die. Be kind. Be real. Be genuine. Let life take it's course. What am I doing with my life? What is the purpose of our being here?
I seek the truth. I long for meaningful connection. I seek protection for my sensitive heart. Direction for my longing soul. I feel the anger and hurt washing away but now what? I moved myself across the USA. . . What happens now? Where does this path lead?
Sometimes I feel so far away, the distance between me and all that I have known. But I know I needed to do this. I can't hug anyone from this far away but my heart is with them.

life's soundtrack. . .

2011-05-22T20:30:00.000-04:00

just listen to this while doing mundane activities that take up our lives, it will make it feel a little more like an adventure. I promise. . .

what i do when i can't sleep

2011-05-18T02:40:00.001-04:00

From Movies

click on pic, and it will take you to a video. . .Tool is the band. Song is called Disposition.

I stuck it on youtube too. . .

My Ghost Story

2011-05-15T22:52:00.000-04:00

This episode features a picture that I took in the Moonville Tunnel several years ago. The story begins @ 25:07.

need a break

2011-05-15T00:32:00.002-04:00

I want to be free from my thoughts today.

kisses

2011-05-07T22:13:00.000-04:00

I want more JOY, sunshine, ocean waves, campfires, hiking, smiles, courage, hope, seashells,. I want less fear, questioning myself, insecurity.
I miss being kissed. . .I remember my first kiss ever. . .well, the one that I technically allowed to count as my 1st kiss, was a foreign exchange student from Siberia. I wanted it to be perfect. . .and for a moment it was. . . The girls I went to that party with screamed and giggled with me in the car when we were leaving the party. It was a rush, and it made me feel so excited. There have been some memorable kisses along the journey.

It has been so long since I experienced a sweet kiss. I long for that, simple and tender. Tilt my head back and feel soft lips, taste sweet breath and a gently dancing tongue attached to a yummy fun guy with strong arms and a sexy smile. It is like playing a guess who kind of game, what will this new man be like? I can't see him clearly in my mind, but I know he's out there. New lips, a new voice, new love. It will find me, it will find me. I will be patient for it. A sweet one who understands me and who wants to know me inside, and experience life with me. For now it is just me and I pour out my energy and recharge my own energy. I embrace the cycle, be filled with the light and it will be a beacon to the love I crave. . .When I found the glass heart on the beach, it filled me with hope that this path is meant to be. In the meantime I will sway to the music in my soul and hope that love will sing back my tune. . .

mogwai saturday. . .

2011-05-04T00:17:00.000-04:00

ready to be transported!

love this. . .

2011-05-01T02:03:00.000-04:00

"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." -Joseph Campbell

"Follow your bliss.
If you do follow your bliss,
you put yourself on a kind of track
that has been there all the while waiting for you,
and the life you ought to be living
is the one you are living.
When you can see that,
you begin to meet people
who are in the field of your bliss,
and they open the doors to you.
I say, follow your bliss and don't be afraid,
and doors will open
where you didn't know they were going to be.
If you follow your bliss,
doors will open for you that wouldn't have opened for anyone else."
— Joseph Campbell

this song is amazing.

2011-04-23T15:31:00.000-04:00

close your eyes
let me touch you now
let me give you something that is real
close the door
leave your fears behind
let me give you what you're giving me
you are the only thing
that makes me want to live at all
when i am with you
there's no reason to pretend
that when i am with you i feel flames again
just put me inside you
i would never ever leave
just put me inside you
i would never ever leave
you

-Vast Lyrics

thoughts on a Wednesday

2011-04-21T00:34:00.001-04:00

Love overwhelms me and I can hardly take it. The cleansing tears that flow flood the eye gates and pour down my cheeky mounds, exposed, can't hide, but no one here seems to be aware of my tears and in silence they fall, unnoticed and unburdening. The invisibility that I feel sometimes makes me feel like a spirit or a ghost haunting this space. The security and the calm of going unnoticed, isn't that what I wanted? It is easier to be invisible that it is to be on display. When you are noticed, therein lies a much greater risk of being hurt. But at what cost? If you don't put yourself out there you can miss opportunities to connect with people who energize and allow you to shine. Don't be afraid to be who you are, let your soul shine out and don't worry about being hurt. There is a chance I could be surprised by not being hurt-there's no need for the false protection anymore. Remove it, let it melt away with your past need for comfort. Respect your body and feed it with health and love. I feel the hot tears brimming my eyelids and making me feel tired and vulnerable. I can feel the release and there is a pocket of emotion longing to escape. To free me. I don't need the layers of protection anymore. I am free from the things that have bound me. The need for comfort no longer needed is like saying goodbye to a lover The relationship is not desired anymore and breaking away is hard but it is needed in order for me to keep growing inside. Pruning away, dissolving. Can I truly say goodbye to the insecurities or will it be a battle for always? There is no one to whom I have to prove myself. I am here not to be anything but me.

I love the freedom. I was always free, I was the only one holding myself back, but I didn't realize it at the time. Send light and love to the past, embrace it like a friend and let it go, Michelle. There is no one and nothing holding you onto the past, nothing but you. Use it as a building block, not a stumbling block. There is no one out there to get you. There is not a cosmic joke being played on you, there is no rug that will be pulled. There is just the road ahead and the steps of today. Let the joy wash over you today and know that you are submerged in pure beautiful love.

Don't worry about loneliness, each day will bring what is needed. Don't wish your life away, be happy with this moment. I don't have to be afraid of anything. Just be confident and let the love flow. The universe will set things right and balance itself out. God will not leave someone who is praying for miracles out in the cold. He heard my cries, and he held me through all of it. I can trust that keeping an eye on the truth will keep me from colliding with the sadness that blanketed me in the dark times. The time of complete confusion has ended, now there is clarity.

chelle by the seashore

2011-04-19T00:31:00.001-04:00

Yesterday I went for a walk on the shore, and it brought tears of joy to my eyes. I cried because I am so happy to be here. I feel so blessed. I get the opportunity to experience the ocean shore and the waves crashing anytime I want. How awesome is that? It made me feel so excited. It is better than I ever dreamed.
When I look back at what I have been through this past year it makes me appreciate all of this. I am ready to laugh, have a good time and be lighthearted.

Realness. Reality. I don't want to live in a fantasy world. I want to be part of this reality. I am pushing forward and making things happen instead of living in the fantasies inside my head. I have to find the truth no matter how bad it sucks sometimes. The sucky truth led me to this beautiful reality.

I have learned that loving someone is not about the romance. It is not about saying what you think the other person wants to hear. It is about seeing all aspects of someone, whether you like it all or not, and loving them anyways. It is seeing them for who they really are. Not allowing the romantic notions get in the way of actually letting someone just BE. It is much more amazing to accept someone just the way they are and to acknowledge the flaws, not pretend they aren't there. The constant truth. I always see the good in people, but I want to accept the not so good or see the whole picture not just want I want to see or hear. I don't want to just acknowledge what suites me. Love is about having a real connection with someone, not a pretend or forced one.

If I pull the focus away from what I want to see, I can see the beauty of being human, seeing the raw realness. Seeing the truth, we are all flawed but we all have that in common. It is a shame to waste moments being insecure or unsure of ourselves, when we are all human. I am me, and you are you. There are friendships and connections to be made, and it will come naturally in time. When I am open to receive, I will and it will be amazing. Trust that it will happen, and it will. I will not be left alone in this world.

Expectations are not a good idea. It is better to just go with it and see what happens. Expectations set us up for disappointment. What is the point of doing that to yourself? When I give myself a break and relax, life will bring me what I need. Time to enjoy the ride.

while driving through Wyoming

2011-03-27T00:59:00.000-04:00

this song got me though the high altitude drive through Wyoming, that and a whole lot of praying (and driving 35 mph). I thought my vehicle was going to die in the middle of nowhere, it was a rough road. Dragging a Uhaul through Wyoming is NOT fun! But the good news is that Wyoming eventually came to an end, like all things that suck!!!

coffeehouse bliss

2011-03-25T00:09:00.000-04:00

good music, good coffee. . .

a new journey

2011-03-05T00:01:00.001-05:00

It is time to move. It is time to go. When I get there I will find what I am looking for. I am a little bit nervous, but I believe with all my heart that this is going to be a beautiful time in my life. I am ready for it.

heavy rotation

2011-03-01T09:58:00.000-05:00

in heavy rotation on the i-pod:

Sophia by Butterfly Explosion
Soul Meets Body by Death Cab for Cutie
On the Mend-Foo Fighters
Same Suburb Different Park-Firekites
Heavy Water/I'd Rather Be Sleeping-Grouper
Boy With A Coin-Iron & Wine
Yellowcake-Kaki King
Pachuca Sunrise (Alias Remix) Minus the Bear
Take Me Somewhere Nice-Mogwai
Bloodbuzz Ohio-The National
Penelope-Pinback
Not a Friend-Sebadoh
Catch & Release-Silversun Pickups
Butterfly-The Verve
Soldier-Ingrid Michaelson
Oh Father-Sia
Black Swan-Thom Yorke

resilience

2011-02-28T23:19:00.000-05:00

I like the word resilience.

Definition of RESILIENCE

1: the capability of a strained body to recover its size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress

2: an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change

(http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/resilience)

It is so easy to fall into the victim mentality. To be a victim of circumstances or choices. To blame everyone else for everything that happens in my life. It is easy to say I was "done wrong" or treated unfairly or unkindly. I can point fingers and blame all day. Victimization is a cop-out and it doesn't bring anything positive to any one's life. It can wear down a person and suck all the joy out of life.

I accept responsibility for my own choices. All that I have chosen has led me to this moment.

Do you allow criticism or praise of others determine your self worth? If the only reflection you have of yourself is influenced by others opinions, prepare for a rough road ahead. To depend on others for your worth is to set yourself up for disaster. You don't need anyone else's approval to be who you are. This is your life. Nothing anyone else has to say should penetrate your heart more than the internal conversation you have inside yourself. No one else can be strong enough to carry you through life. Pick yourself up and carry on. Hold your head high and listen to the loving voice inside your soul.

If I never had to deal with negative people it would be so much easier to get through life. But the idealist still has to see the dirty, nasty, ugly side of human nature and accept that not everyone is loving. Not everyone has my best interest in mind. There are people who will hurt me in my life. There are people who will try to manipulate and control me if they get the opportunity. Bullies pick on the weak and if you allow yourself to be subjected to the cruelty then it will remain your pattern. Perpetual victim does not sound like an appealing way to live life. The way to avoid being picked on is to get back up and brush yourself off. Take a deep breath, smile and be strong. Be braver and wiser. Be aware.

We are born into this life with the freedom to make our own choices. Am I going to dwell on the sadness and pain? Or am I going to realize and accept people the way they are. I can spend my time with people who feed my soul and nurture it, and avoid energy suckers. That is the beauty of free will. If someone constantly puts you or himself down, or is cynical and mean all the time, get away from him.

When you have victim mentality and you are subjected to a negative person; you can be influenced easily. You can be dragged into darkness and sadness. Gradually manipulated and seduced into a life of submission by someone who hates himself so much that the only thing that makes him feel better is to control another person. It is truly a reflection of how you feel about yourself if you think that is what you deserve. "This is as good as it gets." That is bullshit, my friends. If you love yourself you will fight your way to the surface of the sea you in which you drown. When you glow with love from the inside you will attract light.

I watched a movie a while back and there was a quote that stuck with me. "The person who cares the least has all the power in a relationship". Relationships shouldn't be a power struggle. It should be based on mutual respect and understanding. Built on a foundation of trust and truth. If one person in the relationship is doing all the work then the dynamics are off kilter. If you find yourself bending over backwards contantly, or carrying the load yourself, take a moment to re-evaluate. If you find yourself constantly being the one that compromises, there is something wrong.

If you constantly feel like you are running into a brick wall then that is a sure sign that you have reached a dead end in your current path. Relationships need to grow. You need to grow as an individual too. If the person you are in a relationship with does not want to grow with you, then it is time to move on. Some relationships fail and it is an opportunity to change directions. Being open to blessings and allowing the layers of false protection to be peeled away creates healing, strength and peace.

Life will always bring negative voices trying to bring me down, but I don't have to listen to them. I can do anything that I want to do, and I will. My will is strong and my courage is even stronger. The old patterns are so easy to fall back into because the groove runs so deeply. When I feel like I am on the edge, about to fall back in, I have to stay focused on the now. Time travel isn't healthy when the past has so much pain. It isn't healthy to dwell on the ideal someday either. Making the future consists of the baby steps of now, the building blocks of a life that makes sense and helps me to flourish.

We all just want to love and be loved, to be accepted, to feel special. If the God shaped hole is filled first, then the rest of the space inside our hearts will be filled with the blessings from God. God scooped me up and he holds me now, and it feels better than any arms that have ever held me. His love has taken me on journeys that I have been longing to take for so long. I am just beginning.

Even on my weak days I climb back with resilience. Hard times build character if you accept the truth and learn from your mistakes. Sometimes the hardest times in our lives can lead us to our greatest joys.

I am resilient. :-)

I like this song a lot

2011-02-17T21:21:00.000-05:00

being me

2011-02-13T19:29:00.001-05:00

So I went to a show last night in Seattle by myself. It was not so scary to go alone, even though I thought it might be. I ate coconut curry at a restaurant called Boom Noodle. I had some sake. I felt the urge to write while I was waiting for the show to start. I got there too early, and Sebadoh wasn't going on stage until way later. I felt happy just being there. I didn't really talk to anyone too much. I found a perfect parking spot across the street. I was just happy to go to a show that I had always wanted to see. I was alone and it didn't matter. None of it really matters. I loved being there in the moment. It feels good to be in touch with who I am. I wanted to be there and I was euphoric.
If life hadn't taken the turns that it had, I wouldn't have had the chance to be sitting in that moment. This is the place where I am supposed to be right now. This is what life is all about. Living. Taking a chance and just going for it. If you are scared to drive downtown, do it anyways. If you are scared to go to a concert by yourself, do it anyways. If you are scared to go to lots of job interviews, do them anyways.
I was sitting at a candle lit table last night, and there were people sitting around me. The DJ was playing The Pogues. The song from the movie PS I Love You. It reminded me of the past. Is it possible that the release and the push forward was done out of love? I like to think so, and maybe I will hold on to that. It makes me feel better to think the best.

I have nothing to lose. I have a heart full of wonder and excitement for the possibilities that life holds. I will keep moving forward and trying my hardest to trust that it will all work out. I will allow myself to be exposed to the hurt and pain. I don't ever want to lose the ability to feel deeply. I allow the pain and I release it. It is all part of being a human being. We all experience hurt and disappointment. It is okay. Just let go and let it happen.

2011-02-05T15:03:00.000-05:00

I have had a lot of time to myself this week. Silence. Solitude. Quietness. My spirit has been resting in the comfort of my own company. In the midst of this solitude, I have had a lot of time to think. Love is one of the things on my mind.
God's love is so powerful and healing. He loves us so much and wants to bless our lives. He puts people in our lives to teach us more about ourselves.
Love can be found in a person who brings out the best in you. A person you feel completely comfortable with and don’t ever feel uneasy with or judged. Someone who supports your dreams and wouldn't even think of holding you back for selfish reasons.

Being able to share your thoughts and laugh. Fitting together easily without resistance or awkwardness. Maybe this person isn’t someone you end up spending your life with, but someone who shows you the possibilities of what love can be. Maybe it was someone who only touched your life for a short time, but left a bigger impact than you even realized. It can be revealed to you in a subtle quiet way, and it doesn’t even hit you until years later. Maybe great love isn't mushy romantic love, but respect and appreciation for you being you and me being me. Maybe that love is more about the love you can show yourself because you know you deserve to be treated good by the people who are in your life. If you truly love yourself then you attract genuine love.

I know myself a little bit better now. I don’t need to worry. Worry truly is the biggest waste of time. It is the self doubt monster that creeps into my life and sucks my energy dry. I am closing that door. Failure doesn’t have to be viewed as failure. The outcomes of my decisions are new starting points. Situations are never going to turn out the way I expect them to, so stop with the expectations already. Expectations set us up for disappointment. Be open to the possibilities because there is going to be something BETTER. It may sound cliché but it is happening in my life right now.

I think it is important to share with people how much they mean to you. It matters to be honest
with yourself and with others. Be real. Be yourself all the time. Don’t hide in your shell. If people don’t accept you for whom you are, then you aren’t spending time with the right people. It is healing to shout love from the mountains. It doesn’t matter if that love is reciprocated or rejected. Let the love flow freely and it will flow in the right direction.

It is ok to reflect on the past, but not to live there. When you are working through the

pain and ignorance of the past sometimes it can lead to the greatest discoveries about yourself. I am not scared or worried anymore. I am me again. Happy, bold and excited about life. I love connecting with people. I love to laugh. I love blasting my music. I love freedom.

I have no regrets about the way that life has unfolded because it was all necessary to get me to this day. I don’t know what tomorrow holds and I am not worried. The fear is gone.

bonnaroo dreams

2011-02-05T01:23:00.000-05:00

yay! someone recorded the whole concert. . .this is the 2nd half. Love it!

love

2011-02-01T01:00:00.000-05:00

connection

2011-01-31T01:27:00.002-05:00

I long to connect with my life's purpose, and be who God created me to be.

follow your bliss

2011-01-29T18:49:00.001-05:00

a welcoming gift

2011-01-28T18:21:00.000-05:00

don't forget to. . .

2011-01-24T15:01:00.001-05:00

Note to self: This guy is not holding on to the wall behind him. He is jumping forward. He isn't looking back, he is reaching out to the next wall, and he might fall in that water, but he is all in with his whole body. LEAP!!!!!!!!

34 things to do before I turn 35

2011-01-24T14:56:00.000-05:00

34 things to do before I turn 35

1. Eat at an Ethiopian restaurant

2. Take a photography class

3. Visit San Francisco

4. Get a tattoo

5. Knitting lessons. . .again

6. Take guitar lessons. . .again.

7. Go kayaking

8. Conquer Seattle

9. Climb more mountains

10. Get a new bicycle

11. Write a song

12. Join a crafting club

13. Write more handwritten letters

14. Find unique pieces to decorate my new world

15. Visit more flea markets

16. Smile more, I got these dimples might as well use them. :-)

17. Get rid of possessions that I don’t need

18. Go out on fun dates with cute guys

19. Choose joy everyday

20. Forgive the past, change my perspective

21. Listen to my heart

22. Pray every day

23. Be happy!

24. Find rewarding work

25. Go scared—doesn’t matter if I have fear—go anyways!

26. Try different meditation techniques

27. Find a yoga class

28. Keep complaining out of my daily thoughts

29. Write every day

30. Go for more walks

31. Let go and let God

32. Finish projects that I started

33. Bless all who enter my life with light and love

34. Get a pair of rain boots for puddle splashing

how my list looks a year later. . .

2011-01-01T15:30:00.008-05:00

1. learn how to knit (I did learn!) but i need to take some more lessons.2. buy a pair of brown boots. (I did get a cute pair!)3. learn how to use photoshop (I found picnik)4. start planning European vacation (and putting money in a fund for it)-well, not exactly ready for this yet.5. make homemade goat cheese-nope.6. go to a poetry reading (haven't done that since my early 20's!)-nope.7. visit Jenni in Jersey and explore in NYC-I did this!!8. make a cool new friend in Pittsburgh-I met a couple of cool friends before I moved away.9. take a tai chi class-nope.10. write a short story.-partially wrote a few.11. get in the habit of waking weekdays at 6:00 am.-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. no.12. finish mosaic art project-nope. But did a lot of other art projects.13. start a photo journal of recipes my honeypie and I try.-I don't have a honeypie anymore, but I did organize all my recipes.14. re-read Jane Austen's seven novels. I didn't--work in progress.15. volunteer my time--find a cause I believe in and go! I signed up to read to children at a hospital, hasn't happened yet.16. get a tattoo!-I know what I want to get, I almost did it.17. learn a chord on the guitar.-guitar is in storage.18. pay off my credit card debt. (it isn't that bad--so completely do-able!) ALMOST THERE!19. enjoy an evening in downtown Pittsburgh. see a play, musical or ballet--NOPE.20. go to Lilith Fair--didn't make it there this year.21. take a train ride to Philadelphia--rode in a Mini with Candice to Philly. Took a train ride from Seattle to Portland!22. go on a creative retreat (or make up my own)--guess I definitely made up my own.23. memorize a poem-didn't work on this one.24. eat at an Ethiopian restaurant--I didn't try Ethiopian, but I did try Korean in NYC! YUM!25. Learn how to drive stick.(eeek)--didn't happen.26. keep a food journal on livestrong website--lasted for a few weeks.27. learn one new "updo" for my hair from my cool cousin!--Didn't learn a new hairstyle, but I did get a rockin' new do.28. take the laptop to the beehive for inspiration!-CHECK!29. get a new car-Not this year. 30. use pattern from Sublime Stitching and embroider something nifty. Nope.31.make Breakfast Lunch Tea lunch and invite guests to partake.--Maybe this spring instead.32. random road trip--throw a dart at a map and drive!-I absolutely had a random trip--through Seattle and Portland. I did a lot of random driving around Ohio too.33. publish something!--didn't do this one.Reflecting back on this past year's experiences, it was a lot of bittersweetness. Heartbreak, loss, healing, hoping and releasing. I leave 2010 knowing that the changes that occured were due to my newfound self respect and the grace of God. It is hard to keep that perspective sometimes when the doubt and worry creeps in, but I know that it is all for the best. I must also remember that sometimes, shit just happens. No one to blame, and it is out of our hands. Control and perfection are the enemies of happiness.Freedom, friendship, adventure and a future wide open in front of me. I am surrounded in love. It is a great life, and I am so blessed. 2011 is going to be awesome, I can feel it. Luckily, the light outshines the darkness in my life and no matter how far I feel like I fall down the rabbit hole sometimes, there is always a hand to grab to pull me back.
the format of this is screwed up and for some reason I can't fix it. Oh well.

thaw out

2010-12-31T18:50:00.000-05:00

the snow is melting
reminding me that there is
green underneath the cold
it reminds me that there is
hope for the spring to come
to keep the faith
not to lose sight of what
my heart is telling me
not to lose the drive
to create and to keep
taking the baby steps
and keep my eyes on the
horizon.
my heart wants to soar.

a place for. . .

2010-11-22T16:51:00.000-05:00

in this world there is a place for dreamers
a place for the one who inspires
a place for the encourager
and my spirit is strong
and cannot be broken
by those who doubt-
themselves
and try to force their
negativity and uncertainty
down my throat.
my life need not be filled
with anxiety and worry
it always works out
whether I panic or not,
it all falls into place
whether I force it or not.
I can only control so much
and mostly just my thoughts.
material possessions, money,
a house, two kids, a dog, a cat,
a white picket fence,
PTO, and volunteer on Sundays after
church
"when will you settle down and marry?
when will you plan for your future?
when will you stop being a dreamer
of big dreams?"
If success is equal to the right job
or the right spouse
or being rich
and living in the right house
or being perfect then
I am not a success.
I am OK with that.
I accept that I make mistakes
I do not always do or say the right
thing.
I don't know how to respond
sometimes.
I freeze up and get angry inside
and sometimes I take
my anger out on the wrong person.
Sometimes I hold it all inside and
it burns a hole in me and fire
shoots out of my eyes and spews from my mouth.
Sometimes I don't know which
way to go or how to get to the
next step in my life.
Sometimes I feel completely lost
and without clue,
sometimes I am frozen in fear
because I don't want to screw up
and put my hope in someone
who can hurt me.
I feel sad sometimes. Sometimes
I feel confident and brave.
I pray for people that I love and for people
that I used to love.
I pray blessings for people who hate me.
I don't know how to be someone
I am not.
I don't pretend.
I will continue to be the perpetually hopeful.

My spirit cannot be broken. This dreamer is also a doer.

love

2010-11-10T16:32:00.001-05:00

I send out love to the universe.

quiet

2010-10-30T16:07:00.000-04:00

In the quietness the dust settles. I observe my surroundings with wonder and gratitude.

As the autumn wind blows away the old leaves, I desire total purification and reconnection with my body.

I start a 21 day cleanse on Monday. I drink smoothies, eat veggies, lentils and brown rice to cleanse.

I look forward to the release of all the toxins my body currently retains.

find it.

2010-10-05T15:10:00.000-04:00

Find the love in every situation to extinguish hate. An unfanned fire slowly dies.

listen to my heart

2010-09-20T17:52:00.000-04:00

Listen to my soul. God gave me the desires.

Leave nothing in my wake except for love. If I give with my whole heart it will lead me in the right direction. Light leads to light. Grace and mercy are my constant prayer.

I have so many questions and directions I could go. Not sure where I will go. I leave a wake of love; what bad can come of that? I do the best I can. Listen and wait. The possibilities are endless. I am in a state of searching. I am in a state of peace.

I will not force the next step. I am not going to push too hard. I am being brave. I am doing. Living. Going. Seeing. Traveling. Touching. Tasting. Creating. Healing. Being.

This life is wonderful gift.

absorbing

2010-09-09T16:47:00.001-04:00

As I absorb the beauty of nature around me, I feel the pressure lifted.

I live this day with a fresh spirit. I rekindle and stir up the essence of being ME.

I embrace myself like a long lost friend, and allow the sun's warmth to recharge my soul.

I know this path is filled with light. Truth guides the way.

I look ahead and take one step at a time.

where do I go from here?

2010-09-07T10:41:00.000-04:00

I know that God wants me to take care of myself.
Time of solitude is a trying time.
What do I do with my time?
Do I replay the past over and over in my mind and torture myself with "what if" thoughts and "should have", "would have", "could have"?

It does not lead to positive energy creation.

This does:
read encouraging and uplifting books
listen to soul enhancing music
meditation and prayer
cry if I need to cry, determine what brought on the tears and work through it.
go for a walk
drink lots of tea
coconut milk mango and key lime pie candles
sit on the porch in the late summer sunshine
journal
cuddle with doggies
watch stupid movies
learn to love myself
appreciate what I do have and accept the blessings.

Don't forget to look up. . .

I am

2010-08-23T01:46:00.004-04:00

Creative

Caring

Funny

Intelligent

Brave

Spiritual

Open

Honest

Free-spirited

Loved

keep moving forward

2010-08-21T03:15:00.001-04:00

time to fly

2010-08-20T04:17:00.002-04:00

Feeling strong, feeling free.
Time to be who I want to be.
Loving life.
I watch the world go by my window
and each moment the love and joy
grows.
I am reminded of the sweetness of God.
I am really doing this!
This is what I adore-travel, nature, cities, new places!
A beautiful day; today I want my soundtrack to be
lovely music. I don't need to know the words,
I am writing my own.
I am trusting this love will last
and the memories I am making on my solo
travels will dissolve any feelings that arise after
this time has ended. I still have more inside of me.
The passion and the desire to explore and experience
is alive in me. I can do anything on my own.
I can go at my own pace.
This is freedom.

I want in my life

2010-08-19T21:58:00.000-04:00

good coffee

healthiness
trust
photography

travel
understanding
learning
giving
caring
seeing
doing
smiling

peace
joy
patience
nature

experiencing life
farmer markets
concerts
cuddly pets
thunderstorms
garden fountains
good food

friendship
giving gifts
children
comfy cozy home
fresh herbs
flowers

books
sunshine
ocean breezes
truthfulness
sincerity
poetry
creativity
prayer
to be centered
forgiveness

Know what you want

2010-08-16T02:57:00.001-04:00

First I determine what I do NOT want:
repetition without meaning
coldness
boredom
co-dependence
secrets
confusion
mediocrity
constant disappointment
depression
small mindedness
rejection
false protection
mindless distractions
to be a crutch
mistrust
mistreatment
excuses
panic attacks
frayed nerves

Why do we hold back? What is the use of being fearful? What made me think that I didn't deserve happiness and joy? Why live a life that doesn't make sense?

This moment of time is a brand new chance to experience. A clean slate, a life altering earth shattering newness is my current state of being. I am uprooted from my whole life. My job, my home, my long term boyfriend, my pet--POOF, GONE. Relationships come and go and break-ups happen in all of our lives. Becoming entwined with other human beings, on whatever level we allow the fusion to occur, opens us up to the chance to be nurtured, or hurt. Letting the hurt out and dodging depression when a relationship ends is a lot to process. The investment of energy, effort, and TIME is something that needs sorted out and sifted through. The hurt will subside in time. Try to look at the memories and smile. Extracting someone or something so familiar from your life is painful. Like having a tooth pulled (or several at the same time). That void needs to be filled. The empty space; what do you fill it with? I chose to avoid filling that void with anything that doesn't bring positive growth to my life. I choose to fill that space with love.

I grieve

2010-08-13T14:23:00.000-04:00

I climb to the top of the mountains with a heavy heart and all the emotions pour out in layers. The tears flow for love lost. For holding on to the sadness for so long. For babies who are mistreated or not hugged enough. For the souls left without nurturing. For all the times I allowed others to hurt me. For welcoming in self defeat, and putting myself in harm's way. If I had not gone through it, I wouldn't have embraced the understanding. I let go of a dream and soar to new dreams filled with hope. I hold onto the realness of this journey. All around me are opportunities to show love. What can I do to make the experience of life better everyday?
I grieve and leave it all on that mountain top. I don't need it anymore. I am free. Maybe the dreams that haunt me will also leave once I can fully accept and let go. I grieve so that I won't carry this sorrow any longer on my life's journey. The burden of sadness is too great, and it drags me down, hinders my spirit. I know the only healthy way to cope is to embrace the hurt, hold it tightly until I have worked it out of my system, and gently release it for good.
I grieve.

I crave. . .

2010-08-11T04:02:00.001-04:00

genuine love
true friendships
connections with other people
understanding and compassion
health
adventure
opportunity
sunshine
ocean waves
healing
body shaking, eye-watering laughter
security
freedom
bliss
closer walk with God
courage

I release. . .

2010-08-08T04:32:00.000-04:00

disappointment
the hurt inside my heart
fear
brokenness
the feeling of being taken advantage of
unforgiveness
empty promises
my ignorance
the inability to see things right in front of my face
horrible feeling of confusion
darkness
panic
nervousness
hateful ugliness
negativity
the feeling of betrayal

When does this pain go away? It burns through my core.

God, why do I have to be such a sensitive soul? I can hardly bear it sometimes. How else can I learn but by experiencing all of it?
When there is joy in my heart there is no longer room to rewind and replay the images of the past. Releasing this negativity frees up space for new experiences and opportunities to love.

I release a gut-forced blow-out of a cry pouring from my eyes onto my typing fingers.

I release the worry about having solutions to every problem.

I pray instead.

I want to. . .

2010-08-07T02:42:00.000-04:00

*better myself all the time

*face challenges head on (with my head on straight)

*write poetry, novels, articles, blogs

*help people

*give as much as I can*live with passion and purpose

*find my home

*travel and experience different cultures

*know myself

*maintain the peace I feel right now

*discover the artist within

*meditate, pray and accept the gifts God has given me

*accept and let go

*feel joy

In this moment

2010-08-03T01:56:00.002-04:00

I wait for God's voice. I do not have a plan, do not have a clear vision of what I should do. I have a clear indication of what could be. . .lots of options. The future is wide open, but now I need to heal. Explore, be cautious. Ask lots of questions. Know myself. Know what will bring me joy. Know how to be patient. Calm. Have no fear. What happens next is a mystery but it is exciting. I can go anywhere. There is nothing holding me back. I can use the gifts I have to make a life for myself.

I want to travel to Morocco, France, Ireland, Scotland, New Zealand, Australia, Thailand, South Africa.

I want to live my life.

I have a blank journal-a fresh start. The future is wide open. I want to apply for something amazing and just go for it! I want to say YES to change, to thriving, to touching, tasting, feeling. To crying, to laughter, to feeling the deep pain and letting it go. I push the pain out into the universe and watch it dissolve.

wandering

2010-07-30T17:26:00.000-04:00

Not sure where I fit in, wandering for now.

No such thing

2010-07-25T09:46:00.000-04:00

There is no such thing as a seamless transition. Life feels surreal for a while when huge changes happen. The darkness subsides and there is more than just a light at the end of the tunnel. There is everlasting sunshine and warmth. Glance back and know that it is all for education of a soft soul. Teaching this soul to be cautious, to learn how to respect myself. Anything or anyone who attempts to extinguish your soul's shine does not deserve to be in your life. If you think that is what you deserve, then you haven't learned the lesson that God is trying to teach you. No regrets, it is all worth the time, energy, tears and the full range of emotions, to learn how to love yourself. Don't give away your power and allow someone else to make you feel small. If you LET someone else make you feel that way, it is YOU that has to CHANGE. No one can make you do or feel anything. Have confidence in yourself and faith that God is a kind God, and you won't let your path get this far off course again. Once the lesson is learned, God makes a way when there doesn't seem to be a way to set you back on course to a loving life of true comfort. A life filled with joy. Have faith in yourself, let the people who love you LOVE you, and let the darkness go. . .

Heal stronger, love.

Hello, Change.

2010-07-20T15:20:00.003-04:00

Dear Michelle,

You are FREE to do ANYTHING you want to do. Make choices that will allow your soul to shine! Make choices that will bring out the best in you. Do not live with regrets because these past four years have been crucial to the growing and learning process. No need to be bitter or anxious over the future. Today is the only day that you have. Enjoy this day. You don't have to worry about anything. There are only things you do and you do not do. Worry and anxiety do not help the next step happen. Life does not have to be difficult, it is only as hard as you make it.

Thanks,
Inevitable Change.

I want to help people. I want to encourage and make a difference in the world. I want to motivate people to live their best lives possible. I want to give people the courage to have hope and strive to be better. There is a lot of things in this world that are beautiful and good. I believe in miracles, I believe in love.
I believe I am enough. I want to surround myself with people who want to laugh and enjoy life. I want to be joyful and strong. I want to be at peace. I want to live by the ocean.

I have cried so much and I have been very sad since I moved to Pittsburgh. There were some good times but it has been pretty lame too. Going through the motions is not living. Being miserable is not acceptable. Learning how to NOT repeat mistakes is invaluable. GOD I DON'T WANT TO MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES AGAIN! I learned I promise. People put up red flags for a reason, if there are warning signs HEED them!!! Don't go beyond, STOP HERE! There is no need to crack a shell that does not wish to be cracked no matter how shiny the shell, there is no guarantee there will be a pearl. Also, do not put your pearl out on display for any old Joe Schmoe. It is priceless, you make him earn it! Keep the hinges of your shell's hinges lubed but watch who you let snatch your prize.

Putting all these pieces together is helping me see the big picture. I have to let go and step away and let the rest happen. When your life starts sounding like the lyrics to a country song, that is how you know that change is coming whether you like it or not!!!

Oh, and fairy tales are called fairy tales for a reason--THEY ARE NOT BASED IN REALITY.

Chelle Seeking

2010-07-10T12:51:00.002-04:00

After things fall apart and you are left picking up the pieces it is hard to determine which pieces are yours and which are someone else's. (Taking this personality test reminded me who I am.) Some of the pieces are infused together and those are building blocks of experience that you take with you. Kiss them gently, attach love to them, cleanse with tears and place gently in your growing garden of knowledge.

The weeds clutter your garden so you have to be a constant gardener. Uproot the sadness, the loneliness, the frustration, the pain. When weeds overwhelm and you need help to get your garden back in shape, don't be afraid to ask for help. You are loved!

Let the tears be the fountains in your garden. Allow memories to be the statues. Chizel the goodness. Cultivate the beauty of why you fell in love in the first place.

I mix my salty tears with ocean waves.

I unlock doors that I didn't know exist.

Hugs and laughter mend the brokeness. I give myself permission to feel all of the feelings I need to feel to allow myself to heal. I feel the intense sadness. I embrace the fear of the unknown future.

I am determined to free myself from the destructive patterns of my past.

I mourn the loss of my fairytale romance.

I accept myself and all the aspects of what makes me who I am.

Our personalities are ingrained into every fiber of our beings. When I understand I feel TRUE comfort. I do not have to rely on false comforts any longer. The void is instead filled with compassion and love.

I can feel love grow inside of me and it is exciting.

One day at a time.

Believe in miracles!

2010-06-24T16:30:00.001-04:00

Aren't we all trying to find our place in this world, attempting to figure out where we fit in?

No matter what, you are the same person anywhere you go. You can dance around the issues inside your head your whole life and never feel like you know who you are. You can escape to a fantasy world; you can role play; you can go through the motions; you can force a smile when you feel empty inside. Change must come from within. Imagine how exciting it is to feel the smile on the inside!!

If you are miserable, figure out what is causing the imbalance and love yourself enough to find your own answers. The personality that is woven into the fiber of your being is not something you caused or something you can beat yourself up about. You do have a choice as an adult to let go of your childhood fears and insecurities that keep you from being who you want to be. Find the courage to face your deepest fears. Prove to yourself that you are strong enough to battle the demons that hold you back!

Peace comes with understanding.

Find your own happiness! Feel the joy that comes in knowing yourself. When the confusion subsides, clarity soothes and the need for false comfort disappears.

Find your inner light and let it guide you. . .do not despair, there is ALWAYS HOPE!

Believe in miracles!

truth

2010-06-22T22:59:00.000-04:00

"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.
-- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross"

Fairytale Ending

2010-06-17T10:20:00.001-04:00

I wrote this four years ago and sadly it fits today.
My spirit is in need of cleansing. Though I am harmed I am not broken. I am stronger and wiser.
I won't give up on love, I will just be cautious about whom I share my love with. . . someone who is ready to be open and honest, and willing to risk being hurt.
Negative thoughts fester over time, and become ugly like a stagnant pond, all that was living dies. Committing to someone shouldn't feel like a life sentence, and if it does then get out!
If you plant a seed and store it in a dark cold room, you can't expect it to thrive. I hoped there was a shaft of light that would break through, and reach the seed. It was weak and withered relying on a single shaft of light to save the day. I will not settle for a shaft of light ever again.
For a seed to thrive into something sturdy and strong, it needs nurtured, and lots of sunlight, warmth and love. I have many years worth of manure to fertilize, and now I need lots of sunshine!

Fairytale Ending
there once was a girl who met a boy

and she had been under an evil spell

she was a woman scorned

bruised from the past

the boy offered her his coat but not his heart

but she had mistaken his kindness for love

she started to fall

for the ideals that love entails

and her tunnel vision blinded her

the boy kissed her sweetly

and the spell melted away

she didn't mind the mirror

and saw herself in a different way

the boy held her close, he held her tight

and she tried to make the puzzle pieces fit with all of her might

no future to offer, no promises made

her thoughts ran wild and to her

fantasy world she became a slave

she unlocked the truth and settled the score

she's not a caged bird that will come back for more

good bye sweet prince of darkness

good luck with your reign

the girl closed the door, and left with her pain.

dwell in hope

2010-05-16T22:04:00.000-04:00

I peek at the future with my passionate heart.

I release myself from perfectionism.

I am on a path of discovery and forgiveness. A path of honesty.

I accept myself.

I am open to receive the gifts life offers.

I wrap myself in blanket of understanding and dwell in a field of hope.

I have peace in my heart.

Even in times of solitude I know I am not alone.

My inner voice whispers to be gentle and kind. . .

and I try.

strange

2010-04-28T21:32:00.001-04:00

strange

thought i knew you well

thought i had read the sky

thought i had read a change

in your eyes

so strange

woke up to a world

that i am not a part

except when i can play

it's stranger

after all what were you really looking for

and i wonder when will i learn

blue isn't red everybody knows this

and i wonder when will i learn

when will i learn

guess i was in

deeper than i thought i was

if i have enough love

for the both of us

"just stay"

you said "we'll build a nest"

so i left my life

tried on your friends

tried on your opinions.

so when the bridges froze

and you did not come home

i put our snowflake

under a microscope

after all what was i really looking for

and i wonder when will i learn

maybe my wish knew better than i did

and i wonder so strange now

i'm finally in

the party has begun

it's not like i can't feel you still

but strange what i will leave behind

you call me one more time

but now i must be leaving
-Tori Amos

Sip tea with nice scenery. . .

2010-04-24T14:31:00.000-04:00

Come hang out with me in the parental backyard. It is alive with birds and color.

It was a very nice place to grow up.

Courage

2010-04-08T21:43:00.001-04:00

Know your own heart
and trust it.

Be fair and honest.

Be gentle and loving.

Be considerate.

Be brave.

Be persistent.

Be accepting.

Be forgiving.

Be generous.

Be courageous.

Be willing to go outside of your comfort zone.

Understand where you are right now.

reverse the negative

2010-04-08T01:39:00.000-04:00

Allow my creative energy to flow as never before so that I can write a novel and have it published while I am in my 30's. Allow my confidence and passion to radiate so that I can be healthy like never before with renewed energy to take care of myself. Allow me to remove stress from my life and learn to remain calm and at peace regardless of the chaos that occurs around me.

Sometimes I have a hard time saying the words I want to say and they come out wrong. When I speak the words are sarcastic and cynical, when I don't mean them to be. I have been holding my tongue so long that my jaw hurts and the words tumble out like sharp knives.

Today. This moment. Right now. This is it. No worries. No regrets. No panic. Just relax. When things change, I embrace the change. I do not fret about the future. I do not worry about the things out of my control. I do not expect the worst. I look forward to the next day. I look forward to communication. I talk and I listen with an open mind and heart. I dream tonight, drift to sleep with good thoughts. Good things will come. I ask questions. I do not pretend. I do not hide myself. I am OK no matter what happens. I do not accept fear as my guide. I accept those I care about where they are right now. I hope for understanding. I believe in love. I experience miracles.

I am honest and truthful; I just want to be me.

Fool enough to almost be it

Cool enough to not quite see it

Doomed

Pick your pockets full of sorrow

And run away with me tomorrow

June

We'll try and ease the pain

But somehow we'll feel the same

Well, no one knows

Where our secrets go

I send a heart to all my dearies

When your life is so, so dreary

Dream

I'm rumored to the straight and narrow

While the harlots of my perils

Scream

And I fail

But when I can, I will

Try to understand

That when I can, I will

Mother weep the years I'm missing

All our time can't be given

Back

Shut my mouth and strike the demons

That cursed you and your reasons

Out of hand and out of season

Out of love and out of feeling

So bad

When I can, I will

Words defy the plan

When I can, I will

Fool enough to almost be it

And cool enough to not quite see it

And old enough to always feel this

Always old, I'll always feel this

No more promise no more sorrow

No longer will I follow

Can anybody hear me

I just want to be me

When I can, I will

Try to understand

That when I can, I will

-Smashing Pumpkins

unwind

2010-04-01T21:24:00.001-04:00

all this untangling has been exhausting. . .so tonight is it time to unwind.

Pad Thai, Counting Crows, a hot bubbly bath. . .my favorite lemongrass tea, and a nice little neck massage from my honey. I had to skip the knitting lesson today, I am not making much progress. . .I keep pulling it apart and starting over.

Time for a break.

Anna Begins-Counting Crows

My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing."

I am not worried, I am not overly concerned.

My friend implores me, "For one time only,

make an exception." I am not worried.

Wrap her up in a package of lies,

Send her off to a coconut island.

I am not worried, I am not overly concerned with the status of my emotions.

"Oh," she says, "you're changing."

We're always changing...

It does not bother me to say this isn't love.

Because if you don't want to talk about it then it isn't love.

And I guess I'm gonna have to live with that.

But I'm sure there's something in a shade of grey,

Or something in between,

And I can always change my name

If that's what you mean.

My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing."

But I am not really worried, I am not overly concerned.

You try to tell yourself the things you try to tell yourself

To make yourself forget. To make yourself forget. I am not worried.

"If it's love," she said, "then we're gonna have to think about the consequences."

But she can't stop shaking and I can't stop touching her and...

This time when kindness falls like rain

It washes her away. And Anna begins to change her mind.

"These seconds when I'm shaking leave me shuddering for days," she says.

And I'm not ready for this sort of thing.

But I'm not gonna break and I'm not gonna worry about it anymore.

I'm not gonna bend, and I'm not gonna break. And I'm not going to worry about it anymore.

It seems like I should say, "As long as this is love..."

But it's not all that easy, so maybe I should

Snap her up in a butterfly net and pin her down on a photograph album.

I am not worried cuz I've done this sort of thing before.

But then I start to think about the consequences,

And I don't get no sleep in a quiet room and...

This time when kindness falls like rain

It washes me away. And Anna begins to change my mind.

And everytime she sneezes I believe it's love and,

Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing.

She's talking in her sleep.

It's keeping me awake. And Anna begins to toss and turn.

And every word is nonsense but I understand and,

Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing.

Her kindness bangs a gong,

It's moving me along. And Anna begins to fade away.

It's chasing me away. She disappears, and

Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing.

untangling

2010-03-30T21:11:00.001-04:00

I started knitting this month. I thought it seemed like a good idea to unravel the skeen of yarn into a ball. I thought it would be easier to work with that way, and it looked cooler. I didn't seek any advice or watch anyone else, I just went to town. I yanked at the thread until it was in a big pile on my lap. I started wrapping it (after I watched a "how-to" online) and realized that I had created a huge mess for myself. It was a tangled-up knot-infested disaster. It reminded me of what's been going on inside of me. I started out with a clear (naive) vision of what I wanted my life to be, neatly wrapped like the skeen of yarn.
My fairytale vision of my life. All the threads even in perfect little rows.
I wanted be a novelist with a wonderful husband and children and golden retriever. I wanted live by the ocean in Bar Harbor, Maine.
What did I ever do to make this dream come true? Was my fairy godmother going to give me a whack with her wand and it was going to materialize before my eyes?
Somewhere down the road my thoughts became twisted up and tangled. I lost my focus, and the passion I had for writing. My heart was broken over a decade ago. I tried to attach myself to someone else's dream and ride the wave. After that I tried rescue an addict, and ended up with panic attacks. Soon after that I learned just how little you can trust strangers, especially when you are an intoxicated college student. Knot after knot, I pulled farther away from the girl who had a dream for herself.
I tried to pretend that my feelings and my heart didn't matter as much as everyone else's. I tried to run away from my hurt.
Somewhere along the way, I lost my self. My heart became blurry and confused. A big tangled-up mess, mixed in a lovely array of anxiety and depression.
For the past several months I have been trying to pull it back together.
As I untangled the thread I found that I could only work on little sections. One tangle at a time. It is the same process when sorting through your thoughts. There is no quick fix. There is no easy way out. Smooth out the knots with delicate pulls and tugs. Gather and regroup. I got frustrated and tried to yank as hard as I could at times, and failed to make any progress. I worked on that yarn for over three hours, determined to make it all better. I couldn't fix the very core, it was too knotty, and I had to cut my losses and leave the rest behind. I started out with something perfect and ended up with something better, that I worked out for myself. I left the massive tangles in the trash.
It took me three hours to unsnarl the yarn. It has taken me years to unsnarl my self image and my self respect. I don't expect my fairy godmother to make my life happen, and I don't expect to ride on anyone's shirt tail through life. I couldn't hand over my tangled yarn and expect anyone else to get the knots out for me.
I am the main character in MY story, not just a minor one in someone else's. Time to pull out my own fairy wings, get out my wand and do some whacking. No one said this life was going to be easy, but now I know I am strong enough to face what tangles may come.

Quail Hollow

2010-03-23T21:44:00.000-04:00

One of my favorite spots in north eastern Ohio is Quail Hollow. I took a walk there with my parents this weekend.

Not much green yet, but the birds and frogs chirp as the little buds poke through the ground.

There is an open field across from my Mom and Dad's home. There is a great sunset every evening. Welcome back spring!

Rilke with rain

2010-03-14T21:22:00.001-04:00

Yes--the springtimes needed you. Often a star
was waiting for you to notice it. A waved rolled toward you
out of the distant past, or as you walked
under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. -Ranier Maria Rilke (The First Elegy)

Or maybe it was a cello. . . This song goes well with rain.

work in progress

2010-03-08T22:29:00.001-05:00

I had a Body Mind & Spirit calendar last year and it had little exercises every month. The December challenge was to heal old wounds. That one stuck with me and I have been practicing since then.

It read:

Being at odds with others is harmful to physical, as well as emotional and spiritual health. Take the chance to heal old wounds and redress imbalances. Draw up a list of anyone you are on the outs with for any reason-they hurt your feelings, you hurt theirs. Acknowledge your part in the drama, and make amends where possible. Ask forgiveness and be willing to forgive everyone, including yourself.

It is like walking through mud at times. I have to slow down and take little baby steps. There is no running through this gauntlet. It is humbling. Sometimes scary. The more I allow forgiveness in my heart the better I have been feeling. I am attempting to let go of past grudges, mend burned bridges when possible and seek closure. As I made my mental list of hurts from the past, I realized that it traveled back a long way. Lots of unresolved wounds have been resurfacing. One by one. Diving to the bottom and dredging up the pain from the past. I am noticing that some of the clumps of muck I have been pulling up have been hiding little treasures that I wouldn't have found otherwise. I still have a way to go. Taking ownership of the responsibility in some cases is extremely challenging.

I am learning that being right isn't as important as being forgiving.

I know there will not be mutual forgiveness or acceptance from all. I will try nonetheless. I know that my heart is sincere in these attempts no matter what the outcome. I think the last part is the hardest of all; forgiving myself.

The more hurt I release the more room I have for love.

In dwelling, be close to the land.
In meditation, go deep in the heart.
In dealing with others, be gentle and kind.
In speech, be true.
In ruling, be just.
In daily life, be competent.
In action, be aware of the time and the season.

No fight: No blame. -Tao Te Ching (Lao Tsu)

(Body Mind & Spirit Calendar Silver Lining Calendar Duncan Baird Publishers)

is it safe to come out yet?

2010-03-07T17:45:00.000-05:00

This was the vision I endured throughout most of February. I pray the only time I see it again is if I happen to glimpse at these pictures. It was the most snowfall ever recorded in Pittsburgh. . .EVER. These pics are from the first storm one month ago today.

When the weather starts getting nice I feel overwhelmed with the urge to go go go. I want to explore and discover and experience all at once. I got a major case of spring fever.

Yesterday I received polaroid film in the mail and I can't wait to use it. Acutally I think I might wait a little while though until the ugly sooty snow piles have completely melted. Gimme some green!

I walked a lot outside this past week and it lifted my spirit quite a bit. I try to go to the gym but it is a struggle for me. I prefer outdoor activities for exercise. Being in the fresh air with the birds and squirrels makes me happy.

My honey just got a panini maker so yesterday morning we tried it out with bistro breakfast panini I found in Taste of Home magazine. We made it with Soignon goat brie and black forest bacon. We also used whole wheat bread and the skipped the spinach because the fresh I had wasn't so fresh anymore. Delicious!

I had a "pamper myself" evening with some new Lush products. If you haven't tried Lush you should! The salespeople at the Macy's store are excited to show new products and demo on your skin. I used a BB Seaweed mask on my face when I got home last night and it was awesome! It is so soothing. It is so fresh you have to keep it in the refrigerator. I tried to look up that product online, but I couldn't find it. Maybe it is only available for sale at the store.

Today I am resting. Just want to hang out at home and watch the world go by my window. Drinking tea and writing. My favorite morning combo of teas has been a mixture of Samurai Chai Mate, White Ayurvedic Chai and Pear Lemon Panache lately. In the evenings I have been loving on some Tiramisu Treviso.

the Teavana mix

I have been reading Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott. It is amazing how her instructions when put into practice have helped me get rid of my writer's block. I have tried a lot of different writing prompts but her advice actually works for me. It quenches my soul to free the stories locked inside.

I hope you have a good week. :-)

I dub thee "Wanksy"

2010-03-03T19:54:00.003-05:00

Because every potty needs a name.

I walked today and it felt wonderful to breathe in fresh air and get my legs in motion. I sure hope these gigantor snow piles melt this weekend.

I made it through:

On the Mend-Foo Fighters

On/Off-Snow Patrol

Once Upon a Nightmare-Nox Arcana

One-U2

One Day-Bjork

One Day-The Verve

One Fine Wine-Colbie Caillat

One Flight Down-Norah Jones

One Sweet Love-Sara Bareilles

One Way to Go-The Verve

The Only Living Boy in New York-Simon & Garfunkel

It was a nice little walk. So excited for spring!

This guy probably wouldn't bother decorating a crapper in Pittsburgh.

I'm here and I'm on the mend

2010-02-24T23:01:00.000-05:00

I forgot about this song. . .I used to listen to it repeatedly when I was riding my bike on the bike trail in Lisbon. I remembered it today and it made me smile. It feels good to smile.

Lemon love

2010-02-24T22:48:00.001-05:00

we made roasted broccoli with garlic and lemon a couple times lately.

This is one of my favorites--I roast the asparagus in the oven though instead.

I made light lemon poppy seed muffins last week.

This is the best lemon yogurt I have ever tasted. I also love the plum walnut. It is heaven!!!

reasons why my life is good

2010-02-15T20:50:00.000-05:00

1. I have my health.

2. I have health insurance when I need to use it.

3. I have good parents who love me.

4. I found a sweet companion who loves me for me.

5. I can write well.

6. I have wonderful friends.

7. I am a good cook.

8. I love with my whole heart.

9. My life has beautiful moments

10. I was fortunate enough to obtain a college education

11. I live in a comfy love nest.

12. I am free to do as I wish.

Take that dreary snow crap weather! UH!

undo

2010-02-02T21:49:00.001-05:00

It's not meant to be a strife

It's not meant to be a struggle uphill

Oh I

It's not meant to be a strife

It's not meant to be a struggle uphill

Oh I

You're trying too hard

Surrender

Give yourself in

You're trying too hard

You're trying too hard, ah

It's not meant to be a strife

It's not meant to be a struggle uphill

Sweetly

It's not meant to be as dry

To enjoy

It's not meant to be a stuggle uphill

Oh I

It's warmer now

Lean into it

Unfold

Unfold in a generous way

Surrender

It's not meant to be as dry (surrender)

It's not meant (undo) to be a struggle uphill (undo)

It's not meant to be as dry

It's not meant to be a struggle uphill

I'm praying

To be

In a generous mode

The kindness kind

The kindness kind

To share

Me

To share me

It's not meant to be as dry

It's not meant to be a struggle uphill

It's not meant to be as dry

It's not meant to be a struggle uphill

Undo

Undo

If you're bleeding

Undo

And if you're sweating

Undo

If you're crying, darling

Undo

Undo

Oh I

Unravel

-Bjork

StoryCorps is awesome

2010-02-02T21:46:00.000-05:00

This is a very heartfelt beautiful recording of a father and his daughters.

Ken Morganstern, Priya Morganstern, and Bhavani Jaroff

found

2010-01-31T21:49:00.001-05:00

I found these poems in one of my many little spiral notebooks in storage box today.

I wrote them ten years ago.

She is lost in a maze

searching

for the little girl

the woman

in the window reflection

she sees the future

outside

but she's trapped in

the reflection

"peer past the past"

she whispers

"don't be afraid."

She looks all around

and sees

glimpses of herself

little pieces of what

she left along the way.

Go back and pick them up

and then shut the

door,

Don't hold on any longer

There's nothing barring

the door

nothing but your own

strength

try it.

Try the new door.

No one is keeping you from moving on

imaginary locks

they aren't there.

"Open the door"

the past whispers in unison,

voices from lost loves.

"You can do it"-

see what lies beyond the hurt of the past

venture ahead.

"Leave us behind.

It's time!"

____________________________________

Trust yourself

believe

all that happens to you

fits into a bigger picture

you'll see someday it will make sense

you can make it through

all of the past

shake the dust off of your stagnant

spirit

Let it soar!

You can go anywhere

Let it all go

before it drags you down further.

_______________________________

A ship abandoned at sea.

It is not meant to be.

The ship once held her captive.

She sailed alone-

picking up the occasional drifter

men on driftwood

trying to stay afloat

She tried to help them

she pulled them aboard

and gave them all that she had

She did not ration her feelings

She poured them out openly

and the drifter filled up on the rations quickly.

She forgot to save some for herself.

She began to starve and would cling to the drifter

begging to be filled in return.

The drifter was frightened,

too much to ask-

He jumped into the sea.

She sadly watched him sink.

The pattern repeated

one day she looked down at herself-

for she had not realized before

she had shackles on her wrists,

but there were no chains holding her to the ship.

She didn't realize until one day that she was

not trapped.

She jumped into a life boat

and left the ship behind.

Abandoned the ship she thought she

would inhabit forever.

She floated to shore and put her feet on the ground.

The earth stable under her feet

instead of the shaky sea.

No more drifters would distract her from her

destination.

She planted new thoughts and feelings

and they grew

flourished like nothing she had ever given away

to the drifters.

Refreshing and fulfilling

she tended them and knew

that when the man on the land would come

She could give him as much as he wanted,

and she would still be nourished herself.

one of my favorites

2010-01-27T07:23:00.002-05:00

Click here to view these pictures larger

Believe

2010-01-27T06:37:00.001-05:00

Believe you are enough and you are. Believe you are complete and you are. Believe you have everything you need and you do. Believe you will find peace and you will. Believe the truth will be revealed to you and it will. Trust your inner compass. Trust your heart. Ask the questions on your heart.

fill my empty room with the sun

2010-01-25T18:40:00.000-05:00

This video is pretty cool. I found this song on a Paste Magazine free cd a few years ago. I liked the song when it was released, and after I saw the video I liked it even more! Learning to let go and not carry all the baggage of the past makes for a smoother ride.

thinking about. . .

2010-01-19T21:47:00.000-05:00

Last days of fall. . .

Best coffee in Pittsburgh!

taking on "the list".

Stamping and journaling

how content is this kitty?

What's on your mind today?

33 things to do before i turn 34

2010-01-11T22:48:00.000-05:00

I am turning 33 years old at the end of this month. I was inspired by hula seventy's list. . .and thought it sounded like fun! Here's my challenge for the year. I am excited to start checking things off the list!

This is a time to process, grow, heal and savor every moment of the journey!

1. learn how to knit
2. buy a pair of brown boots.
3. learn how to use photoshop
4. start planning European vacation (and putting money in a fund for it)
5. make homemade goat cheese
6. go to a poetry reading (haven't done that since my early 20's!)
7. visit Jenni in Jersey and explore in NYC
8. make a cool new friend in Pittsburgh
9. take a tai chi class
10. write a short story.
11. get in the habit of waking weekdays at 6:00 am.
12. finish mosaic art project
13. start a photo journal of recipes my honeypie and I try.
14. re-read Jane Austen's seven novels.
15. volunteer my time--find a cause I believe in and go!
16. get a tattoo!
17. learn a chord on the guitar.
18. pay off my credit card debt. (it isn't that bad--so completely do-able!)
19. enjoy an evening in downtown Pittsburgh. see a play, musical or ballet
20. go to Lilith Fair
21. take a train ride to Philadelphia
22. go on a creative retreat (or make up my own)
23. memorize a poem
24. eat at an Ethiopian restaurant
25. Learn how to drive stick.(eeek)
26. keep a food journal on livestrong website
27. learn one new "updo" for my hair from my cool cousin!
28. take the laptop to the beehive for inspiration!
29. get a new car
30. use pattern from Sublime Stitching and embroider something nifty.
31.make Breakfast Lunch Tea lunch and invite guests to partake.
32. random road trip--throw a dart at a map and drive!
33. publish something!

What's on your list?

The Moonville Ghost

2010-01-09T12:45:00.002-05:00

Click here to view these pictures larger

A few years ago I caught a picture in a haunted tunnel-this is the close up of the shadow figure.

can i please go back here. . .

2010-01-05T21:22:00.000-05:00

promise and beauty

2009-11-29T22:16:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving day brought a promise.

When you look with the right eyes you can see the beauty everyday.

. . .and action!

2009-11-23T18:27:00.001-05:00

"What we think or what we know

or what we believe is, in the

end, of little consequence.

The only consequence is what we do"

- John Ruskin

chai and quichey pie

2009-11-22T19:27:00.003-05:00

This weekend I made a quiche, rocky road brownies, pastry puff wrapped brie and feta dip with scallions. I started playing around with Photoshop while looking through Computer Tricks for Scrapbooking. Spent time with my honey. Went shopping for Thanksgiving stuff. We are going to make sage butter-roasted turkey with cider gravy (recipe from Bon Appetit). I drank chai, 21st Street house blend coffee, and planned my turkey meal timeline. I have never cooked the turkey day meal before, so I am trying to get as organized as I can. I also watched all the Martha Stewart on-demand videos on how to make a turkey. Please note, Martha's turkeys NEVER have a pop-up timer, because she raises her own turkeys. I want to be like Martha Stewart when I grow up.

While I was taking a walk this morning. . .

What's playing in the Ipod today. . .

Pep Talk

2009-10-29T13:14:00.000-04:00

I always liked this. . .time to listen and absorb.

a walk in the woods

2009-10-25T19:18:00.000-04:00

When I woke up this morning, the sun was shining and I knew I needed to get outside and enjoy this beautiful October day. So I took a walk through Frick Park.

I found a flat rock in the water to rest on in the middle of the creek, while I listened to the water babbling through the rocks. I thought about the things that are important to me.

I want to attract good things into my life. I want to trust, to love, to be compassionate and honest. I want to write for a living. I want to be healthy in mind, body and spirit. I want to stay connected with the people that I love and make connections with people I meet along my life's journey. I want to be confident and know in my heart that love will prevail. I want to take more photographs and art journal more. I want to grow spiritually and love myself. I don't want to be so hard on myself.

Nature was smiling at me, letting me know that everything is going to be OK. There is always hope and when I am discouraged or distraught, I can always count on the people that I love to be there to support me. I can always go for a walk and talk to the universe.

I stopped in Regent Square after my walk.

I sipped hot caramel apple cider on my way back. Yum!

When I spend time in nature I am able to find peace. Since I grew up with parents who loved hiking and always took my brother and I, the woods are a safe haven for me. It makes me feel comfy. I feel tension and stress leave my body when I am surrounded by vast trees. I can breathe. I like living in the city, but I love escaping to the woods.

I hope you have a good week and that you are able to find a moment of peace, where ever it is that you may find it.

Thank you for visiting my blog.

Love, Chelle

Me likey this song

2009-10-10T09:25:00.003-04:00

Lazy Eye-Silversun Pickups

I've been waiting

i've been waiting for this moment all my life

but it's not quite right

and this 'real'

it's impossible if possible

at who's blind word

so clear but so unheard

i've been waiting

i've been waiting for this silence all night long

it's just a matter of time

to appear sad

with the same 'ol decent lazy eye

fixed to rest on you

aim free and so untrue

everyone's so intimately rearranged

everyone can focus clearly with such shine

everyone's so intimately rearranged

everyone can focus clearly with sunshine

lost and loaded

still the same 'ol decent lazy eye

straight through your gaze

that's why i said i relate

i said we relate

it's so fun to relate

it's the room the sun and the sky

it's the room the sun and the sky

i've been waiting

i've been waiting for this moment...

come away with me. . .for a moment

2009-10-07T21:38:00.003-04:00

fall page

2009-09-29T21:45:00.001-04:00

I love fall. I made this page a couple weeks ago.