untangling

I started knitting this month.  I thought it seemed like a good idea to unravel the skeen of yarn into a ball.  I thought it would be easier to work with that way, and it looked cooler.  I didn't seek any advice or watch anyone else, I just went to town.  I yanked at the thread until it was in a big pile on my lap.  I started wrapping it (after I watched a "how-to" online) and realized that I had created a huge mess for myself.   It was a tangled-up knot-infested disaster.  It reminded me of what's been going on inside of me.  I started out with a clear (naive) vision of what I wanted my life to be, neatly wrapped like the skeen of yarn. 
My fairytale vision of my life.  All the threads even in perfect little rows. 
I wanted be a novelist with a wonderful husband and children and golden retriever.  I wanted live by the ocean in Bar Harbor, Maine.
What did I ever do to make this dream come true?  Was my fairy godmother going to give me a whack with her wand and it was going to materialize before my eyes?     
Somewhere down the road my thoughts became twisted up and tangled.  I lost my focus, and the passion I had for writing.  My heart was broken over a decade ago.  I tried to attach myself to someone else's dream and ride the wave.  After that I tried rescue an addict, and ended up with panic attacks.  Soon after that I learned just how little you can trust strangers, especially when you are an intoxicated college student.  Knot after knot, I pulled farther away from the girl who had a dream for herself.
I tried to pretend that my feelings and my heart didn't matter as much as everyone else's.  I tried to run away from my hurt.
Somewhere along the way, I lost my self.  My heart became blurry and confused.  A big tangled-up mess, mixed in a lovely array of anxiety and depression.
For the past several months I have been trying to pull it back together. 
As I untangled the thread I found that I could only work on little sections.  One tangle at a time.  It is the same process when sorting through your thoughts. There is no quick fix.  There is no easy way out.  Smooth out the knots with delicate pulls and tugs.  Gather and regroup.  I got frustrated and tried to yank as hard as I could at times, and failed to make any progress.  I worked on that yarn for over three hours, determined to make it all better.  I couldn't fix the very core, it was too knotty, and I had to cut my losses and leave the rest behind.  I started out with something perfect and ended up with something better, that I worked out for myself.  I left the massive tangles in the trash. 
It took me three hours to unsnarl the yarn.  It has taken me years to unsnarl my self image and my self respect.  I don't expect my fairy godmother to make my life happen, and I don't expect to ride on anyone's shirt tail through life.  I couldn't hand over my tangled yarn and expect anyone else to get the knots out for me. 
I am the main character in MY story, not just a minor one in someone else's.  Time to pull out my own fairy wings, get out my wand and do some whacking.  No one said this life was going to be easy, but now I know I am strong enough to face what tangles may come.

Quail Hollow

One of my favorite spots in north eastern Ohio is Quail Hollow.  I took a walk there with my parents this weekend.

Not much green yet, but the birds and frogs chirp as the little buds poke through the ground.

There is an open field across from my Mom and Dad's home.  There is a great sunset every evening.  Welcome back spring! 

Rilke with rain

Yes--the springtimes needed you.  Often a star

was waiting for you to notice it.  A waved rolled toward you

out of the distant past, or as you walked

under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing.  -Ranier Maria Rilke (The First Elegy)

Or maybe it was a cello. . . This song goes well with rain.

work in progress

I had a Body Mind & Spirit calendar last year and it had little exercises every month. The December challenge was to heal old wounds. That one stuck with me and I have been practicing since then.

It read:

Being at odds with others is harmful to physical, as well as emotional and spiritual health. Take the chance to heal old wounds and redress imbalances. Draw up a list of anyone you are on the outs with for any reason-they hurt your feelings, you hurt theirs. Acknowledge your part in the drama, and make amends where possible. Ask forgiveness and be willing to forgive everyone, including yourself.

It is like walking through mud at times. I have to slow down and take little baby steps. There is no running through this gauntlet. It is humbling. Sometimes scary. The more I allow forgiveness in my heart the better I have been feeling. I am attempting to let go of past grudges, mend burned bridges when possible and seek closure. As I made my mental list of hurts from the past, I realized that it traveled back a long way. Lots of unresolved wounds have been resurfacing. One by one. Diving to the bottom and dredging up the pain from the past. I am noticing that some of the clumps of muck I have been pulling up have been hiding little treasures that I wouldn't have found otherwise. I still have a way to go. Taking ownership of the responsibility in some cases is extremely challenging.



I am learning that being right isn't as important as being forgiving.



I know there will not be mutual forgiveness or acceptance from all. I will try nonetheless. I know that my heart is sincere in these attempts no matter what the outcome. I think the last part is the hardest of all; forgiving myself.

The more hurt I release the more room I have for love.

In dwelling, be close to the land.
In meditation, go deep in the heart.
In dealing with others, be gentle and kind.
In speech, be true.
In ruling, be just.
In daily life, be competent.
In action, be aware of the time and the season.

No fight: No blame. -Tao Te Ching (Lao Tsu)

(Body Mind & Spirit Calendar Silver Lining Calendar Duncan Baird Publishers)

is it safe to come out yet?

This was the vision I endured throughout most of February.  I pray the only time I see it again is if I happen to glimpse at these pictures.  It was the most snowfall ever recorded in Pittsburgh. . .EVER.  These pics are from the first storm one month ago today.

When the weather starts getting nice I feel overwhelmed with the urge to go go go.  I want to explore and discover and experience all at once.  I got a major case of spring fever. 

Yesterday I received polaroid film in the mail and I can't wait to use it.  Acutally I think I might wait a little while though until the ugly sooty snow piles have completely melted.  Gimme some green!

I walked a lot outside this past week and it lifted my spirit quite a bit.  I try to go to the gym but it is a struggle for me.  I prefer outdoor activities for exercise.  Being in the fresh air with the birds and squirrels makes me happy.

My honey just got a panini maker so yesterday morning we tried it out with  bistro breakfast panini  I found in Taste of Home magazine.  We made it with Soignon goat brie and black forest bacon.  We also used whole wheat bread and the skipped the spinach because the fresh I had wasn't so fresh anymore. Delicious!

I had a "pamper myself" evening with some new Lush products.  If you haven't tried Lush you should!  The salespeople at the Macy's store are excited to show new products and demo on your skin.  I used a BB Seaweed mask on my face when I got home last night and it was awesome!  It is so soothing.  It is so fresh you have to keep it in the refrigerator.  I tried to look up that product online, but I couldn't find it.  Maybe it is only available for sale at the store.

Today I am resting.  Just want to hang out at home and watch the world go by my window.  Drinking tea and writing.  My favorite morning combo of teas has been a mixture of Samurai Chai Mate, White Ayurvedic Chai and Pear Lemon Panache lately.  In the evenings I have been loving on some Tiramisu Treviso.

the Teavana mix

I have been reading Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott.  It is amazing how her instructions when put into practice have helped me get rid of my writer's block.  I have tried a lot of different writing prompts but her advice actually works for me.  It quenches my soul to free the stories locked inside.

I hope you have a good week.  :-)

I dub thee "Wanksy"

Because every potty needs a name.

I walked today and it felt wonderful to breathe in fresh air and get my legs in motion.  I sure hope these gigantor snow piles melt this weekend.

I made it through:

On the Mend-Foo Fighters

On/Off-Snow Patrol

Once Upon a Nightmare-Nox Arcana

One-U2

One Day-Bjork

One Day-The Verve

One Fine Wine-Colbie Caillat

One Flight Down-Norah Jones

One Sweet Love-Sara Bareilles

One Way to Go-The Verve

The Only Living Boy in New York-Simon & Garfunkel

It was a nice little walk.  So excited for spring!

This guy probably wouldn't bother decorating a crapper in Pittsburgh.