weekend love

How can I be kind and loving to myself?
I have been eating healthy for the past three months or so and walking a lot.  I eliminated cheese from my diet, by choice.  It was a good idea though because I have a reaction to dairy that I didn't realize.  When I stopped eating cheese I felt like a fog lifted from my head and my abdominal bloating subsided quite a bit.  I'm not happy about giving up cheese, but I am glad that I did it.  It has taken me a while to be ok with it, for a while I was angry and wanted to scream because I love cheese.  It is my favorite food.  I am going to test goat and sheep cheese at some point to see if maybe it is just cow's milk to which I am sensitive.  It is now a challenge to figure out what I can replace cheese with that will make my body feel good instead of blah.  I stumbled upon this restaurant a few weeks ago and had a delicious salad.  I wish there were more places like Thrive.  I also found Evolution Fresh which has a clean and healthy menu.  I found delicious kale chips today at the Ballard Farmers Market, they are tasty!!!
I took a cooking class at Green Lake Nutrition and it opened my eyes to properly cooking chicken.  I have overcooked chicken always.  Now I am no longer afraid of under cooking it.  I learned some delicious recipes and I have been discovering new veggies as I stick with my program.
I have been eating lots of spaghetti squash.

Another way that I have found to be loving to myself is to try acupuncture.  I started a couple of months ago and it has been very helpful with stress relief.  I'm going to Grassroots Community Acupuncture and it has been great.  I am beginning to understand how my body is in need of balance.  Acupuncture removes blockages in the flow of energy.  It has been a journey within my journey to discover the benefits if this healing method.  I truly feel more relaxed after a session than after some massages I have had.  I can feel the energy surging through my body.  If you've never tried it before, consider it.

weekend lovin'

 in the mood for Deathcab for Cutie
and Puget Sound sounds
the sun kisses my face
and the breeze tickles my neck
like a lover's gentle touch
a healing weekend
cleaning
organizing
walking
acupuncture
massage
pageboy corduroy hat
a green scarf
mineral water
smoked salmon
pumpkin soup
zucchini cakes
low flying seagull
sending love in packages
to people I love
flea market
new comfy sheets

lots of tea
The Moth Podcast
This American Life
I can feel the peace
inside and the ease
of finding my niche
listening to what my heart
longs for and needs
I need water--lakes, rivers
oceans, streams, fountains,
waterfalls.   

This metabolic reset. . .
the weight is slowing coming off
and I am adhering to the plan.
I know it is very difficult to maintain
when it is something that I've battled
with my entire adult life.
I have to decide to
figure out balance
How do I maintain at a healthy weight?
a healthy life?
a positive place of protection?
The more I take care of myself
and show myself love
the better I have been feeling
I know what it feels like to be strong
to be persistant
to listen to my heart's desire
I know what it means to be determined
and to have a strong will.
This gives me more confidence
to reach farther and to see just what
I am capable of doing.

nostalgia

This is one of the songs that reminds me of my first love.   I wanted to move to Seattle over a decade ago, and because that love relationship fell apart, I stopped trying to live that dream.  Now I am here.  I didn't expect it.  Had I made that move years ago there is so much that has happened since then that has shaped me into the person that I am that I would have missed.  There are wonderful people that I wouldn't have met.  Lips I wouldn't have kissed.  The timing is God's timing, and when I try to rush into things, it doesn't work out.  The worry and the anxiety, doesn't need to be. 
I was digging through all my boxes searching for the title to my vehicle the past couple of days and I kept finding things that reminded me of the struggles and pain I went through this past year.  It unearthed the feelings that I have been avoiding or maybe I have pushed below the surface.  Reminders of mistakes I have made.
My mom has been such an encouraging person in my life.  I have found so many cards, letters and little notes that she has given me over the years.  I laughed and cried and dug through the next box and found more. 
When I realize that I have moved so far away from my family and friends, it is bittersweet.  I am doing what I wanted, and they encouraged me, but I feel like there are things that I am missing there.  I can't just hang out with my mom any time I want.  I can't drive over to my best friend's house to help her paint her kitchen.  Our lives go on and they are voices on the phone, and they live their lives and I live mine.  Parallel, but not directly intertwined.
I don't know what the future will be for me.  Something led me to this place.  After all the searching, the title was in the first box that I had opened, right where I thought it was all along.  Now all the boxes are everywhere and and I will have to put everything back in place.  I guess it was time for the reminders.

a new journey

It is time to move.  It is time to go.  When I get there I will find what I am looking for.  I am a little bit nervous, but I believe with all my heart that this is going to be a beautiful time in my life.  I am ready for it.

34 things to do before I turn 35

34 things to do before I turn 35

1.      Eat at an Ethiopian restaurant

2.      Take a photography class

3.      Visit San Francisco

4.      Get a tattoo

5.      Knitting lessons. . .again

6.      Take guitar lessons. . .again. 

7.      Go kayaking

8.       Conquer Seattle

9.      Climb more mountains

10.  Get a new bicycle

11.  Write a song

12.  Join a crafting club

13.  Write more handwritten letters

14.  Find unique pieces to decorate my new world

15.  Visit more flea markets

16.  Smile more, I got these dimples might as well use them. :-)

17.  Get rid of possessions that I don’t need

18.  Go out on fun dates with cute guys

19.  Choose joy everyday

20.  Forgive the past, change my perspective

21.  Listen to my heart

22.  Pray every day

23.  Be happy!

24.  Find rewarding work

25.  Go scared—doesn’t matter if I have fear—go anyways!

26.  Try different meditation techniques

27.  Find a yoga class

28.  Keep complaining out of my daily thoughts

29.  Write every day

30.  Go for more walks

31.  Let go and let God

32.  Finish projects that I started

33.  Bless all who enter my life with light and love

34.  Get a pair of rain boots for puddle splashing

quiet

In the quietness the dust settles.  I observe my surroundings with wonder and gratitude. 

As the autumn wind blows away the old leaves, I desire total purification and reconnection with my body.

I start a 21 day cleanse on Monday.  I drink smoothies, eat veggies, lentils and brown rice to cleanse. 

I look forward to the release of all the toxins my body currently retains.

listen to my heart

Listen to my soul.  God gave me the desires.

Leave nothing in my wake except for love. If I give with my whole heart it will lead me in the right direction.  Light leads to light. Grace and mercy are my constant prayer. 

I have so many questions and directions I could go.  Not sure where I will go.  I leave a wake of love; what bad can come of that? I do the best I can.  Listen and wait.  The possibilities are endless.  I am in a state of searching.  I am in a state of peace. 

I will not force the next step.  I am not going to push too hard.  I am being brave.  I am doing.  Living.  Going. Seeing.  Traveling.  Touching.  Tasting.  Creating.  Healing.  Being.

This life is wonderful gift.

absorbing

As I absorb the beauty of nature around me, I feel the pressure lifted. 

I live this day with a fresh spirit.  I rekindle and stir up the essence of being ME.

I embrace myself like a long lost friend, and allow the sun's warmth to recharge my soul.

I know this path is filled with light.  Truth guides the way.

I look ahead and take one step at a time.

I am

Creative

Caring

Funny

Intelligent

Brave

Spiritual

Open

Honest

Free-spirited

Loved

time to fly

Feeling strong, feeling free.
Time to be who I want to be.
Loving life.
I watch the world go by my window
and each moment the love and joy
grows.
I am reminded of the sweetness of God.
I am really doing this!
This is what I adore-travel, nature, cities, new places!
A beautiful day;  today I want my soundtrack to be
lovely music.  I don't need to know the words,
I am writing my own.
I am trusting this love will last
and the memories I am making on my solo
travels will dissolve any feelings that arise after
this time has ended.  I still have more inside of me.
The passion and the desire to explore and experience
is alive in me.  I can do anything on my own.
I can go at my own pace.
This is freedom.

I want in my life

good coffee

healthiness
trust
photography

travel
understanding
learning
giving
caring
seeing
doing
smiling

peace
joy
patience
nature

experiencing life
farmer markets
concerts
cuddly pets
thunderstorms
garden fountains
good food

friendship
giving gifts
children
comfy cozy home
fresh herbs
flowers

books
sunshine
ocean breezes
truthfulness
sincerity
poetry
creativity
prayer
to be centered
forgiveness

Know what you want

First I determine what I do NOT want:
repetition without meaning
coldness
boredom
co-dependence
secrets
confusion
mediocrity
constant disappointment
depression
small mindedness
rejection
false protection
mindless distractions
to be a crutch
mistrust
mistreatment
excuses
panic attacks
frayed nerves

Why do we hold back?  What is the use of being fearful?  What made me think that I didn't deserve happiness and joy?  Why live a life that doesn't make sense?

This moment of time is a brand new chance to experience.  A clean slate, a life altering earth shattering newness is my current state of being.  I am uprooted from my whole life.  My job, my home, my long term boyfriend, my pet--POOF, GONE.  Relationships come and go and break-ups happen in all of our lives.  Becoming entwined with other human beings, on whatever level we allow the fusion to occur, opens us up to the chance to be nurtured, or hurt.   Letting the hurt out and dodging depression when a relationship ends is a lot to process.  The investment of energy, effort, and TIME is something that needs sorted out and sifted through.  The hurt will subside in time.  Try to look at the memories and smile.  Extracting someone or something so familiar from your life is painful.  Like having a tooth pulled (or several at the same time).  That void needs to be filled.  The empty space; what do you fill it with?  I chose to avoid filling that void with anything that doesn't bring positive growth to my life.  I choose to fill that space with love.

I crave. . .

genuine love
true friendships
connections with other people
understanding and compassion
health
adventure
opportunity
sunshine
ocean waves
healing
body shaking, eye-watering laughter
security
freedom
bliss
closer walk with God
courage

I release. . .

disappointment
the hurt inside my heart
fear
brokenness
the feeling of being taken advantage of
unforgiveness
empty promises
my ignorance
the inability to see things right in front of my face
horrible feeling of confusion
darkness
panic
nervousness
hateful ugliness
negativity
the feeling of betrayal

When does this pain go away?  It burns through my core.  

God, why do I have to be such a sensitive soul?  I can hardly bear it sometimes.  How else can I learn but by experiencing all of it?
When there is joy in my heart there is no longer room to rewind and replay the images of the past.  Releasing this negativity frees up space for new experiences and opportunities to love. 

I release a gut-forced blow-out of a cry pouring from my eyes onto my typing fingers. 

I release the worry about having solutions to every problem.

I pray instead.

  

I want to. . .

*better myself all the time

*face challenges head on (with my head on straight)

*write poetry, novels, articles, blogs

*help people

*give as much as I can*live with passion and purpose


*find my home

*travel and experience different cultures

*know myself

*maintain the peace I feel right now

*discover the artist within

*meditate, pray and accept the gifts God has given me

*accept and let go

*feel joy

No such thing

There is no such thing as a seamless transition.  Life feels surreal for a while when huge changes happen.  The darkness subsides and there is more than just a light at the end of the tunnel.  There is everlasting sunshine and warmth.  Glance back and know that it is all for education of a soft soul.  Teaching this soul to be cautious, to learn how to respect myself.  Anything or anyone who attempts to extinguish your soul's shine does not deserve to be in your life.  If you think that is what you deserve, then you haven't learned the lesson that God is trying to teach you.  No regrets, it is all worth the time, energy, tears and the full range of emotions, to learn how to love yourself.  Don't give away your power and allow someone else to make you feel small.  If you LET someone else make you feel that way, it is YOU that has to CHANGE.  No one can make you do or feel anything.  Have confidence in yourself and faith that God is a kind God, and you won't let your path get this far off course again.  Once the lesson is learned, God makes a way when there doesn't seem to be a way to set you back on course to a loving life of true comfort.  A life filled with joy.  Have faith in yourself, let the people who love you LOVE you, and let the darkness go. . .

Heal stronger, love.

Hello, Change.

Dear Michelle,

You are FREE to do ANYTHING you want to do.  Make choices that will allow your soul to shine!  Make choices that will bring out the best in you.  Do not live with regrets because these past four years have been crucial to the growing and learning process.  No need to be bitter or anxious over the future.  Today is the only day that you have.  Enjoy this day.  You don't have to worry about anything.  There are only things you do and you do not do.  Worry and anxiety do not help the next step happen.  Life does not have to be difficult, it is only as hard as you make it. 

Thanks,
Inevitable Change.

I want to help people.  I want to encourage and make a difference in the world.  I want to motivate people to live their best lives possible.  I want to give people the courage to have hope and strive to be better.  There is a lot of things in this world that are beautiful and good.  I believe in miracles, I believe in love.
I believe I am enough.  I want to surround myself with people who want to laugh and enjoy life.  I want to be joyful and strong.  I want to be at peace.  I want to live by the ocean.

I have cried so much and I have been very sad since I moved to Pittsburgh.  There were some good times but it has been pretty lame too.  Going through the motions is not living.  Being miserable is not acceptable.  Learning how to NOT repeat mistakes is invaluable.  GOD I DON'T WANT TO MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES AGAIN!  I learned I promise.  People put up red flags for a reason, if there are warning signs HEED them!!! Don't go beyond, STOP HERE! There is no need to crack a shell that does not wish to be cracked no matter how shiny the shell, there is no guarantee there will be a pearl.  Also, do not put your pearl out on display for any old Joe Schmoe.  It is priceless, you make him earn it!  Keep the hinges of your shell's hinges lubed but watch who you let snatch your prize.  

Putting all these pieces together is helping me see the big picture.  I have to let go and step away and let the rest happen.  When your life starts sounding like the lyrics to a country song, that is how you know that change is coming whether you like it or not!!!

Oh, and fairy tales are called fairy tales for a reason--THEY ARE NOT BASED IN REALITY.

Chelle Seeking

After things fall apart and you are left picking up the pieces it is hard to determine which pieces are yours and which are someone else's.  (Taking this personality test reminded me who I am.)  Some of the pieces are infused together and those are building blocks of experience that you take with you.  Kiss them gently, attach love to them, cleanse with tears and place gently in your growing garden of knowledge.

The weeds clutter your garden so you have to be a constant gardener.  Uproot the sadness, the loneliness, the frustration, the pain.  When weeds overwhelm and you need help to get your garden back in shape, don't be afraid to ask for help. You are loved!

Let the tears be the fountains in your garden. Allow memories to be the statues. Chizel the goodness. Cultivate the beauty of why you fell in love in the first place.

I mix my salty tears with ocean waves.

I unlock doors that I didn't know exist.

Hugs and laughter mend the brokeness.  I give myself permission to feel all of the feelings I need to feel to allow myself to heal.  I feel the intense sadness.  I embrace the fear of the unknown future. 

I am determined to free myself from the destructive patterns of my past. 

I mourn the loss of my fairytale romance.

 

I accept myself and all the aspects of what makes me who I am.

Our personalities are ingrained into every fiber of our beings.  When I understand I feel TRUE comfort.  I do not have to rely on false comforts any longer.  The void is instead filled with compassion and love. 

I can feel love grow inside of me and it is exciting. 

One day at a time.