Bring it!

. . .and so my story continues as the days, months, years slip through my fingers.  At times I struggle to avoid depression and lethargy.  I am really trying to love myself.  I think it is obvious when I don't because I attract into my life that which I feel.  I had a situation happen a couple months ago that scared me into being a lot more cautious with my trust.  I was deceived, and lied to in a mind blowing messed up way.  But the truth ALWAYS comes out, especially for a truth seeker such as myself.

I thought about my last relationship a lot the past few days and I realize that I am good.  The rawness and sting are gone.  The bandage can come off now, because underneath the scars are perfectly healed in an imperfect Frankenstein way.  The old stitch marks just need some soft kisses and exposure to the air.  The time to hide is over.  My eyes are open to forgiveness.

I don't know why or how I could have loved so much.  How do I do the things I do?  How am I 35 years old? I don't feel that old, not that it is old.  I won't settle for that which does not bring me joy.  How can I be so oblivious sometimes to the cruelty and evil in the world?  I tolerate until I break and it makes me feel jaded, but I will never stop believing that people can be better.

I don't want to be someone's mom or a crutch but the pattern continues. and it stops and it starts and it stops and that is the pattern.  I want something new.  If I focus the person I am rather than what I have, I will see my worth.  Money is nice to do the things I want to do, but that's all I want it for, to live.  I don't want to be rich just to have a cushion to be comfy.

The past few months I felt stagnant and now the desire is high to explore the possibilities of a beautiful future.  I hope the energy reaches through the universe to bring what is right for me.  I am hopeful that the energy will  flow through me and bring more joy than I can imagine.  I'm ready, bring it!