seagulls and sea air

The holidays are here, and the holiday blues are upon me.  It is terribly difficult to be away from my family for the holidays.  It is also very difficult to be in a long distance romantic relationship.  The perks of having someone to hold seems like an unattainable dream when he is so far away.  The emotional support is there, but the warmth of his arms are not.  I know it won't always be like this but it is happening now and it is very hard.  I send all my love out to the universe to all the people that I love that I cannot physically be with right now.

 What is the sacrifice worth to be where I want to be?  This short and tiny life spent away from everyone that I love.  To explore and find where I fit in, but do I really fit in here?  This fragile little place and time and space.  How many more times will I have to do certain things?  Like laugh with my mom and hold her hand?  How many more times do I get to go for walks with my dad?  How many more times do I get to smell the autumn wind mixed with campfires and dead leaves in Northeastern Ohio?  When I was there I was restless, and felt like I needed to leave.  Now I am in a place that I adore and miss all the friends and family who are not with me.
It is all so fleeting as the hot salty tears roll onto my lip, I lick them and taste the bittersweetness of it all.
This life is my own, but the desire to share it overwhelms me.  I enjoy my solitude but I don't like feeling isolated.

Being without yet having so much.  This is what I wanted, and I am making it happen every day.
The holidays are a melancholy time for me.  There is an underlying nostalgia for childhood and the excitement I used to feel.  I decorate my little studio apartment only for me, and try to grasp a moment of that feeling once again.  It's not the same, and I feel so far away from home.  I try not to give in to the depression that creeps in, but it may be better to embrace the sadness until it is experienced and let it go, when it is ready.

I went for a walk today to shake off the funky mood that has it's fingers around my throat, and the clutching funk dissipated for a little while.  I think about how I avoid the funk on the weekdays.  I've been keeping myself busy with exercising and healthy eating, and now riding the bus instead of driving to work, the few things that I have control over.
The seagulls and the brisk sea air comforted me today as I observed my surroundings.  They are a poor substitute for the loving family I left in Ohio, or for my sweet Texan beau but they remind me that I am not alone.  There will be a time when I have a job that allows me to go home for the holidays.  There will be a time when I can afford to buy plane tickets and Christmas presents again.  There will be a time when I can relax and not worry about living paycheck to paycheck.



I was listening to this song when I was watching the seagulls flying over my head.

A woman at the beach last week smiled at me in the rain.  She and I were the only brave souls on a dreary rainy day walking on the shore.  She asked me if I was looking for sea-glass and when I told her that I was, she handed me a whole handful of it.  Something amazing always happens at Discovery Park.  Gifts in my hand, sea-glass mixed with sand.  She walked on and left me smiling and thankful.

I've learned a lot recently.  About how money management is a lot like weight management.  We all have to start somewhere and it is going to be painful and getting started is difficult.  It is worth the effort when you see the results.  It takes time and there is no easy answer for quick fix.  There is no magic solution.  Hard work, diligence, determination  willpower.  In order to achieve the goals we set for ourselves there have to be sacrifices made to reach them.  I've given up dairy, alcohol, cigarettes, gluten and sugar.  I've lost twenty five pounds so far and many inches off of my bust, waist and hips.  This did not happen over night.  Learning how to manage money is not going to happen over night either.  I pray for grace.
The desires of my heart take work to reach.  There will be rewards for the hard work, tapping into the richness of life in the universe by way of self respect and self care.  I trust that God has put these desires in my heart for a reason.
There are behaviors and choices I make everyday that I question, but all I can do is be better tomorrow. I must keep trying and power through the tiredness and the pain.  Keep moving.

Abundance I invite into my life, not just having enough, but overflowing.  Joy, financial security, travel, photography, creativity, love, experiences.
There is so much for which I am grateful.  I am grateful for options.  I've found some solid ways to ease the stress of life through exercise, healthy eating, life coaching, visiting the nutritionist, acupuncture, meditation and prayer.
I am brave, I am fearless, I can do anything I want to do.  I will do the things I have set out to do.  I have the strength and endurance to reach my goals.
My goals are to be kind to others, be wise with money and relationships and to listen to my intuition.
There are lots of different paths that lead to the same destination, and sometimes the destination changes because of the paths we choose.  

Mt. Rainier revisited

weekend love

How can I be kind and loving to myself?
I have been eating healthy for the past three months or so and walking a lot.  I eliminated cheese from my diet, by choice.  It was a good idea though because I have a reaction to dairy that I didn't realize.  When I stopped eating cheese I felt like a fog lifted from my head and my abdominal bloating subsided quite a bit.  I'm not happy about giving up cheese, but I am glad that I did it.  It has taken me a while to be ok with it, for a while I was angry and wanted to scream because I love cheese.  It is my favorite food.  I am going to test goat and sheep cheese at some point to see if maybe it is just cow's milk to which I am sensitive.  It is now a challenge to figure out what I can replace cheese with that will make my body feel good instead of blah.  I stumbled upon this restaurant a few weeks ago and had a delicious salad.  I wish there were more places like Thrive.  I also found Evolution Fresh which has a clean and healthy menu.  I found delicious kale chips today at the Ballard Farmers Market, they are tasty!!!
I took a cooking class at Green Lake Nutrition and it opened my eyes to properly cooking chicken.  I have overcooked chicken always.  Now I am no longer afraid of under cooking it.  I learned some delicious recipes and I have been discovering new veggies as I stick with my program.
I have been eating lots of spaghetti squash.

Another way that I have found to be loving to myself is to try acupuncture.  I started a couple of months ago and it has been very helpful with stress relief.  I'm going to Grassroots Community Acupuncture and it has been great.  I am beginning to understand how my body is in need of balance.  Acupuncture removes blockages in the flow of energy.  It has been a journey within my journey to discover the benefits if this healing method.  I truly feel more relaxed after a session than after some massages I have had.  I can feel the energy surging through my body.  If you've never tried it before, consider it.

weekend lovin'

 in the mood for Deathcab for Cutie
and Puget Sound sounds
the sun kisses my face
and the breeze tickles my neck
like a lover's gentle touch
a healing weekend
cleaning
organizing
walking
acupuncture
massage
pageboy corduroy hat
a green scarf
mineral water
smoked salmon
pumpkin soup
zucchini cakes
low flying seagull
sending love in packages
to people I love
flea market
new comfy sheets

lots of tea
The Moth Podcast
This American Life
I can feel the peace
inside and the ease
of finding my niche
listening to what my heart
longs for and needs
I need water--lakes, rivers
oceans, streams, fountains,
waterfalls.   

This metabolic reset. . .
the weight is slowing coming off
and I am adhering to the plan.
I know it is very difficult to maintain
when it is something that I've battled
with my entire adult life.
I have to decide to
figure out balance
How do I maintain at a healthy weight?
a healthy life?
a positive place of protection?
The more I take care of myself
and show myself love
the better I have been feeling
I know what it feels like to be strong
to be persistant
to listen to my heart's desire
I know what it means to be determined
and to have a strong will.
This gives me more confidence
to reach farther and to see just what
I am capable of doing.

city of black and white

I watched this video hours before my westward journey to Washington state.   I felt the excitement growing in my stomach.  I was scared, nervous, and confident that I was making the right move.  Taking a big risk and doing something that I always dreamed of doing, headed for a dream.  This video really captures the beauty of Seattle.  This is what it looks like in the summer and it is the only time of the year when it isn't raining every other day.  To this landscape that I adore. . .

shift in perspective

A couple of weeks ago I was feeling extremely stressed out and there were lots of contributing factors but it caused my body to actually just shut down.  It was a Tuesday and I slept through the better part of three days that week.  I felt anxiety, sadness, depression, and confusion.  I knew after missing work due to exhaustion that I needed to make some changes.  I had already started the mental process of making some healthy changes, but that experience snapped me into action.

I've started yet another phase in my life.  A metabolic reset.  I am meeting with a nutritionist once a week and eating a restricted diet.  No alcohol, no junk food, lots of veggies and protein.  I have entered into the third week of being cautious and conscious of each thing that i place into my mouth.  Exercise is also becoming more of a priority with this change.  I am gradually working into this lifestyle change because when I tried to overdo it I made myself sick.

I believe that having support for these kind of changes is very important.  To succeed and for a lifestyle change to stick you really need to have support.  I want to surround myself with positivity and good energy.  My health insurance benefits with my current employer cover visits to nutritionist.  I think that is amazing and I am excited about it.  I need all the help and encouragement I can get.

I have been working with Green Lake Nutrition and learning a lot about my relationship with food.  I know that it has been a comfort factor for me.  It is just like any other addiction.  Too much of anything leads to destruction.  I don't want to hurt my body, because it ends up destroying my energy.

I'm shifting my self perspective.  I am not a victim of circumstances.  I am taking back control of my life.  I have felt drained and without focus for the past several months.  I have spent days in my bed, paralyzed with fatigue.  There is a beautiful landscape outside my studio apartment and I feel like I have been missing so much of it.  I realize that my health has been on the back burner while I was dealing with other issues.  Now I can no longer ignore my body's needs, because it is begging me to make changes.

Recovery happens slowly.  It has it's own pace and whether I like it or not, I have to comply.  The last time I lost weight, I lost 40 pounds in four months.  I was very determined but I did not have the support I have now.  With the monitoring and weekly discussions, I feel like the success rate is high.

The program I am on will teach me what food restrictions I have based on my personal needs.  I am aware that I am very sensitive to chemicals and drugs.  I can't even drink a cup of coffee without it causing me to have a sleepless night if I drink it too late in the day.  Birth control pills? Yikes!  Anti-depressants?  No way!  Processed foods contain lots of chemicals, and I'm sure that has something to do with the fatigue I've been feeling, along with the alcohol and lack of exercise.

So what has this change done for my self perspective?  I am realizing that a lot of the fatigue has been diet related.  When my body is lacking the nutrition and exercise it needs to function, it shuts down.

Moving to Seattle was an act in self love and this step is delving further onto that path.  It has taken me several months to gain clarity and focus.  Now the time is here to make these positive changes for myself.  I feel like I've just awakened from a deep and foggy sleep.

I have also been working with a life coach Andrea Hotton to figure out how to get out of my funk.  We have been exploring lots of topics to help me with accountability and focus.  I have learned some interesting things about myself through this process.  It leads me to the other issue that I am working through and that would be my finances.  It is something I struggle with because I find it stressful and dull.  I want to have a more positive outlook on finances, so I hope that it will come with time.   

Being surrounded with love and encouragement is going to help me succeed in getting these struggles under control.  I know I am not perfect, but perfectly imperfect and that is perfectly fine!  But having goals and working toward bettering myself makes me feel alive.

desires

poetry, music, light, positive energy, trust, understanding, companionship, traveling, listening, sharing, reading, writing, joy, art, photography, kissing, lovemaking, kindness, peace, calm, puppy, kitten, baby, ocean, flowers, breezes, security

openness, smiles, stability, exercise, health, healthy foods, cooking, road trips, sunshine, sunsets, forgiveness, grace, patience, laughter, connection, bliss, yoga, bike rides, sunsets, boat rides, coziness

baking, friendship, classes, pottery, photography, blogging, wandering, exploring, journaling, hiking, memories, creativity, stargazing and lots and lots of love.

Love needed, craved, wanted, desired and deserved.  

How do I allow myself to love and be loved? Wanting never to have the other person feel hurt or sadness.  Is that what love looks like? I don't want to see hurt or cause pain.   I'd never experienced true romantic love as the past was a complete letdown and a place of darkness.  

Letting go of baggage is hard when it is learned behavior.  But I am learning.

It is all new and truth be told a bit frightening.  

There is no chart for this path because it is uncharted territory for me.  

Being vulnerable is difficult for me, the tenderness of past wounds so easy to re-injure.  There has been a fountain of healing tears with each kind word and deed.  The smiles and the tears dissolve the walls.  The waves of anxiety and frustration will pass with time. 

I want his soft lips on mine.   

To talk with and to laugh with, and to hug him tightly.

a new adventure

My life is changing again, another transition coming soon.  Maybe it's already here.  I've been preparing for it for a long time.  A gentleman who found me through this blog will be in Seattle soon, and I will be meeting him in the place where I was sitting when I was writing this journal entry.  Golden Gardens.  We will take a chance and see what happens.  This is not really a new beginning but a continuation of a story that has always been.  

I had to come to this place to heal, to take pictures, to share my experiences, to make wonderful friends, to see amazing concerts, to hike beautiful trails, to relax on my beach.  My beach, my dream location. . .when the weather is sunny and cheery, the Olympic Mountains sunset at Golden Gardens is so perfect and soul-renewing.

Sunsets, seaglass, sand all that is missing is holding your hand.  If you want something enough and put that love into the universe, it will find you.  There's no need to fear once the baggage from the past is exposed and worked through.  

Empaths become drained when they have too many demands on their emotions.  I realize that I am an empath, and that it has rewards and downfalls.  My job drains me.  People are angry and frustrated when they talk to me and their stress absorbs into me.  It is all I can do sometimes not to cry.  I long for freedom from this type of negativity.  I want more joy in my life.  When I sit by this water, the stress and tension slowly leave my body with the lapping waves.  The voice of this new suitor does the same.  He is a kindred spirit, giving and kind.  I am very excited to meet him.

I relaxed in a chair on the beach for a few hours today.  Absorbing and taking it all in.  I felt more relaxed today than I have in a long time.  Even in the midst of feeling very financially unstable, I have found peace.  I can't allow the stress of money to overwhelm me.  I can't allow the negativity of others to destroy my spirit.  The universe has brought lots of positive reinforcement these past few weeks for my art of photography, my soul-baring words and being completely connected with who I am through the kind words of new distant friends.  I am blessed.

Bring it!

. . .and so my story continues as the days, months, years slip through my fingers.  At times I struggle to avoid depression and lethargy.  I am really trying to love myself.  I think it is obvious when I don't because I attract into my life that which I feel.  I had a situation happen a couple months ago that scared me into being a lot more cautious with my trust.  I was deceived, and lied to in a mind blowing messed up way.  But the truth ALWAYS comes out, especially for a truth seeker such as myself.

I thought about my last relationship a lot the past few days and I realize that I am good.  The rawness and sting are gone.  The bandage can come off now, because underneath the scars are perfectly healed in an imperfect Frankenstein way.  The old stitch marks just need some soft kisses and exposure to the air.  The time to hide is over.  My eyes are open to forgiveness.

I don't know why or how I could have loved so much.  How do I do the things I do?  How am I 35 years old? I don't feel that old, not that it is old.  I won't settle for that which does not bring me joy.  How can I be so oblivious sometimes to the cruelty and evil in the world?  I tolerate until I break and it makes me feel jaded, but I will never stop believing that people can be better.

I don't want to be someone's mom or a crutch but the pattern continues. and it stops and it starts and it stops and that is the pattern.  I want something new.  If I focus the person I am rather than what I have, I will see my worth.  Money is nice to do the things I want to do, but that's all I want it for, to live.  I don't want to be rich just to have a cushion to be comfy.

The past few months I felt stagnant and now the desire is high to explore the possibilities of a beautiful future.  I hope the energy reaches through the universe to bring what is right for me.  I am hopeful that the energy will  flow through me and bring more joy than I can imagine.  I'm ready, bring it!

Getting me back

My parents came to visit la few weeks ago and it energized me.  Their hugs and a nice vacation were just what I needed to help get me back on track.  I started a cleanse last week and I am planning to meet with a nutritionist this week to help me make the right food choices since that is one of the biggest things I struggle with.  It always helps to talk to someone who is trained to deal with those type of things. I want to be healthy so that I can enjoy the beauty around me. It is so nice to know what is on the other side of my mountain sunset. Lots of changes all around me and time to make some healthy changes myself.

Into the wild

a year ago

This is what I was looking at when I found out that I got a job in Seattle. I was taking a walk at a park in North Canton, Ohio. A whole year has passed since I made this move. So much has happened. Quack.

Take care of yourself!

I was having a rough morning this morning.  Everything was going wrong.  I was getting to my boiling point, and then I stopped and went to Golden Gardens.  I sat on a piece of driftwood and looked down.  Someone wrote  "Jesus loves you" on the wood.  It was pretty without the graffiti but I guess I was supposed to see that today.  I know I am loved.  I know I need to stop worrying and start doing.  I will attract the right things when I am following the right path.  Things that don't go the way I wish they would, they are out of my control.  I am not privy to the big picture, so when things don't turn out, I wish I could go with the flow.  Resistance to change and disappointment are futile.

I can do this.  I can handle what life give me and make better choices.  Make loving choices.  One day at a time!  Focus!

This is my life.  This is my day to do with what I need to make it better.  What choices will I make today?  What can I do right now?  I don't have to have all the answers right now.  I don't have to feel stuck.  That is my own fault if that happens.  I don't have to feel down, or lazy, or depressed.  I can do what I need to do to get things done.  I have ME.  I don't have to have anyone else to lean on financially.  I have to be smart.  I can't expect to make more money if I don't make a change.  I have to work hard to get to the next step in my life.

I don't need the past to remind me of loves lost.  I don't need the burden of hurt.  What lesson am I to learn from ghosts from my past?  It isn't helping me.  Let it go, let it go.  Whatever life takes away from me, let it go.  Resurrecting the past doesn't allow me to move into my future.  I can pray, I can send love and light.  I can focus on myself, and being a healthy kind soul.  That is the ONLY thing I can control.  Right now I feel like I am out of control.  Lost my focus.

What makes this journey worth living?  Being true to myself?  Being honest, real, and kind?  It isn't healthy to try to save anyone.  To offer unsolicited help.  To be co-dependent.  Why does this have to be my pattern?  It is not helpful to ANYONE, and it is not my job.  It is a lot easier to get caught up in someone else's problems than to examine yourself.
I saw a woman walking a blind dog over the weekend.  The dog had fear until she heard the woman's voice encouraging her.  "Come on Muppet, you're a good girl, you can do it."  I feel like that sometimes.  Like I need to hear the voices of encouragement and get approval from people I care about to make sure I am doing this right.  Do I really need to hear the external voices or can I rely on the internal voice to confidently guide me.  We are all searching blindly.

It looks like this rock was smiling at me while I was taking my walk today.
I keep asking why why why did I come here?  What is my purpose for being in Seattle?  What is the point of this move and the sacrifice of friends and family time that I miss back home?  My answer today very clearly is to HEAL.  This is what my purpose is in Seattle, and I need to allow it.  There is no where more healing for me than the ocean.  Ever since I was a child, I have always loved the sounds, the sight, the taste the smells of the sea.  I have felt drawn to it.  It is where I feel closest to God.  It brings me peace like nothing else.  Every time I am there, I am able to get a realistic perspective on my life.  I am able to be calm. The healing tears mix with the salty sea air and my cries mingle with those of the seals and the seagulls.  Finding sea glass, stones and shells, takes my mind off the stresses of the day.

Do any of us really have a clue why we're here on this planet?  We distract ourselves with television, drama, entertainment, routine, trying to fix other people's problems.  We shovel food in our faces, indulge in alcohol to feel numb, whatever obsessive behavior or addiction we may have.  Everyone is addicted to something or someone.  It is human nature.  It certainly would be helpful to be addicted to exercise rather than comfort food or cigarettes.
What's it all about?  Why are we here?
What is the purpose of my life?  Why do I struggle from paycheck to paycheck?  Will I ever have enough money set aside when it is time for me to retire or will I continue to struggle my whole life?  Is this character building?  Will I ever figure out what I want to do with my life?  Everyday that passes by, new wrinkles in the mirror.  Another year passes by.  I glimpse ghosts of different paths I hopped off of to go a different way.  There could have been marriage somewhere along that earlier path, children.  Maybe stability, probably not, hard to find stability when you can't find a partner who is mentally sound.  Nothing is certain though.  Anyone's life can change in a flash.
Will I ever meet my soul mate?  A kind man who isn't hiding anything, who will treat me with kindness and respect?  I know this will not happen until I treat myself with kindness and respect.  The ghosts of my past reflect my self image, mirroring the way I felt about myself.  Clearly, I was attracting what I thought I deserved.
When I think about my struggles I feel guilty because there are lot of people in the world struggling so much more than me.  That doesn't make my struggles any less real, and there is no reason to invalidate myself.  I am entitled to my feelings and I am embracing the fact that my life is messy.  Just like everyone else.

Relationships are complicated.  Boundaries.  The fine line.  How do you support someone without getting emotionally attached.  How do you show friendship without becoming entwined?  There are instances when I feel like I am pouring myself out to the point of being drained dry and not receiving anything in return.  How is that OK?  Why do I allow energy vampires?  Why am I attracted to these types of personalities?  Do we need each other to thrive?  Is that just part of the balance of the universe?  Give to those who don't know how to reciprocate?  Or worse yet, just take advantage of others and don't care.  What in the world would I do if I found a man who did fill me?  The thought feels almost foreign, as I have adopted a pattern of unbalanced relationships.  Give give give, and soak up the scraps I get back like a starving dog.  That is bullshit. I don't accept it anymore.  It is hard to step away because I know why people are assholes, everyone has a story.  I just don't have to be the one sacrificing my dignity to make someone feel better about their personality defects.
This beautiful place of healing, hasn't been able to do it's work because I have been distracted.  Being co-dependent in nature has kept me from focusing on myself.  The ocean the healing power of the ocean, soul filling and calming to me.  I accept the reason for being in Seattle.  To heal.  Let it begin.
So maybe I need to update my blog more often so that I don't vomit all the words all at once and sound like a crazy person!

patience and silent anger

I learned something the other day when I visited a Buddhist temple and I was listening to the monk's message.  There is a big difference between patience and sitting in angry silence.  To truly be patient, is to feel completely ok with your current situation.  To be at peace with your thoughts and not to allow circumstances to get in the way of that peace.  To practice true patience is to give up all the things that aren't healthy for our minds.  Poison thoughts.  One way is to always think the best of others.  To recognize the weakness I may have, but not to dwell upon them.  Think upon good things and if I don't accept the current situation, take the steps needed to make it better.  If I can't be at peace with my current situation, then I am not practicing true patience.

I am choosing to wave goodbye to the past.  I choose a path that builds energy and enlightens.