a glimpse

The tender moments in life are tied together by strings of emotion.  Some of the stings are unraveling tethers of disappointment.  Some are vibrant and shiny bands of gold that make us strong and connected.  They tie us together no matter if they bring joy or sadness.  That is life.  The lucky moments we have are a glimpse of genuine and sincere love.  We are all wrapped up by these stings of moments on this bizarre planet on which we exist. 

life lessons

Written on March 12, 2014

Once upon a time there was a girl who loved a boy.  She thought she did anyways.  It took her a long time to realize that she didn't really love him, because she didn't know what love was.  She didn't realize that love doesn't mean that you lose yourself in another person.  It doesn't mean that you sacrifice your needs to please another person.  It doesn't mean that you try to "help" because he needs "fixed".  It is not about guessing where you stand with someone or wondering if he feels the same way.  If that is what genuine love is then I don't want it.  It is not.  It is about mutual respect because of respect and love for oneself.  Spiritual connection.  In the past I gave myself away to a man who paid attention to me, I fell in love easily and I gave my all-without finding what I wanted or needed.

The inner critic is not a friendly voice, it is the voice of a different generation echoing a history of abuse.  Mistrust.  That inner voice didn't believe that I was good enough or that I deserved love.  That inner voice lied to me about love being conditional based on my looks or my weight.

"Stop trying to control everything and just let go." -Fight Club quote

I'm here to experience and to love.  I am here to make friends and connections with people.  I am here to experience being a human being.  I want to allow all of it.  Happy, sad, depression, joy, anger, all of it.  It really doesn't matter what I do as long as I am grateful and aware of the gift of life.

This is such a strange wonderful thing to be a human being.  To be on this planet.  Why are we here?  The past becomes the present and the future is determined by the choices that we make.  Do I dull the pain with addictions?  Do I go through the pain by working with a therapist.

I was addicted to pain.  I got used to disappointment and used to being melancholy.  I got used to being fearful.

I'm impulsive yet I've moved across the country to survive.  I have always wanted to be here and now I am--I listened to that voice now I have to keep going.

I give my energy and I become so tired sometimes.  I need to be filled.

My life.
This is my life.

Why was I born in Ohio?

Why am I 37 years old and not following the life path of marriage and kids?

Where is my soulmate?

Why did my first love find me again?

I didn't love myself enough before to exude the confidence needed to attract a good mate.

I tell myself these words: I attract men who are good enough for me.  I attract men who are sober and healthy.  I respect myself.

what brings me joy?

who brings me joy?

Picture it, imagine it

I wrote the journal entry below when I was unemployed over three years ago and uprooted from my "previous life".  I see the life that I desire now coming to fruition.  It doesn't happen instantly.  It is all a process.  Baby steps.  I made it this far.  I moved across the county to a place that feels like vacation when I am not at work.  That is a great feeling.  I see lots of art, culture, energy, and beauty all around me.  I've met people on similar journeys as my own.  I am getting closer to the paying off debt, that is the next step.  I have been procrastinating about it for a long time.  The first couple of years in Seattle were a huge struggle financially.  I am far from being comfortable financially, but I don't feel the anxiety and stress I used to feel before.  Living off of credit cards is a horrible feeling.  I did not give up though.  The Pacific Northwest is where my heart wants to be.  Seattle is my favorite place.  I love being close to Portland and Vancouver BC too.

I found this picture of myself today when I was sorting through boxes.  I was 17 in this photo.  My friend Lisa took this of me when we were in a Graphic Arts class.  Carefree and happy.  At least that is what I choose to remember about that time in my life.  There has been so much pressure and fear and disappointment along the way that sometimes it is hard to be vulnerable and carefree.  But I will promise myself to try. 

I have been trying to get into a photography program but most classes are "continuing education" and they don't allow student loans.  I know that I can take out a regular loan or figure out how to pay as I go.  It comes down to being faced with the dreaded budget.  If I pay as I go, I have to really pay attention to where I spend my money.  I have to check off this part of my list, to get to some of the other goodies on the list.  "Pay all my debt."

I found this list I made of my personality traits during my unemployment time.  I guess it is an ongoing project--finding myself.  I find myself and then sometimes I lose myself in being "helpful" to others.  "Helpful" because it doesn't end up being helpful, just sort of co-dependent or unsolicited.  

It made me laugh that I crossed out "relaxed". It is so true that I have a really hard time relaxing.  I am often too wound up to relax.  My psychologist suggested that I try a supplement to relax.  It is called Pharma GABA.  It does seem to help me relax. . .you can find it on Amazon.  

When I am tempted to beat myself up for not being more than what I am, I need to refer back to this list.  I am me, and I know who I am.  I possess all of these wonderful traits and that is enough.    

happy moments