wandering

Not sure where I fit in, wandering for now.

No such thing

There is no such thing as a seamless transition.  Life feels surreal for a while when huge changes happen.  The darkness subsides and there is more than just a light at the end of the tunnel.  There is everlasting sunshine and warmth.  Glance back and know that it is all for education of a soft soul.  Teaching this soul to be cautious, to learn how to respect myself.  Anything or anyone who attempts to extinguish your soul's shine does not deserve to be in your life.  If you think that is what you deserve, then you haven't learned the lesson that God is trying to teach you.  No regrets, it is all worth the time, energy, tears and the full range of emotions, to learn how to love yourself.  Don't give away your power and allow someone else to make you feel small.  If you LET someone else make you feel that way, it is YOU that has to CHANGE.  No one can make you do or feel anything.  Have confidence in yourself and faith that God is a kind God, and you won't let your path get this far off course again.  Once the lesson is learned, God makes a way when there doesn't seem to be a way to set you back on course to a loving life of true comfort.  A life filled with joy.  Have faith in yourself, let the people who love you LOVE you, and let the darkness go. . .

Heal stronger, love.

Hello, Change.

Dear Michelle,

You are FREE to do ANYTHING you want to do.  Make choices that will allow your soul to shine!  Make choices that will bring out the best in you.  Do not live with regrets because these past four years have been crucial to the growing and learning process.  No need to be bitter or anxious over the future.  Today is the only day that you have.  Enjoy this day.  You don't have to worry about anything.  There are only things you do and you do not do.  Worry and anxiety do not help the next step happen.  Life does not have to be difficult, it is only as hard as you make it. 

Thanks,
Inevitable Change.

I want to help people.  I want to encourage and make a difference in the world.  I want to motivate people to live their best lives possible.  I want to give people the courage to have hope and strive to be better.  There is a lot of things in this world that are beautiful and good.  I believe in miracles, I believe in love.
I believe I am enough.  I want to surround myself with people who want to laugh and enjoy life.  I want to be joyful and strong.  I want to be at peace.  I want to live by the ocean.

I have cried so much and I have been very sad since I moved to Pittsburgh.  There were some good times but it has been pretty lame too.  Going through the motions is not living.  Being miserable is not acceptable.  Learning how to NOT repeat mistakes is invaluable.  GOD I DON'T WANT TO MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES AGAIN!  I learned I promise.  People put up red flags for a reason, if there are warning signs HEED them!!! Don't go beyond, STOP HERE! There is no need to crack a shell that does not wish to be cracked no matter how shiny the shell, there is no guarantee there will be a pearl.  Also, do not put your pearl out on display for any old Joe Schmoe.  It is priceless, you make him earn it!  Keep the hinges of your shell's hinges lubed but watch who you let snatch your prize.  

Putting all these pieces together is helping me see the big picture.  I have to let go and step away and let the rest happen.  When your life starts sounding like the lyrics to a country song, that is how you know that change is coming whether you like it or not!!!

Oh, and fairy tales are called fairy tales for a reason--THEY ARE NOT BASED IN REALITY.

Chelle Seeking

After things fall apart and you are left picking up the pieces it is hard to determine which pieces are yours and which are someone else's.  (Taking this personality test reminded me who I am.)  Some of the pieces are infused together and those are building blocks of experience that you take with you.  Kiss them gently, attach love to them, cleanse with tears and place gently in your growing garden of knowledge.

The weeds clutter your garden so you have to be a constant gardener.  Uproot the sadness, the loneliness, the frustration, the pain.  When weeds overwhelm and you need help to get your garden back in shape, don't be afraid to ask for help. You are loved!

Let the tears be the fountains in your garden. Allow memories to be the statues. Chizel the goodness. Cultivate the beauty of why you fell in love in the first place.

I mix my salty tears with ocean waves.

I unlock doors that I didn't know exist.

Hugs and laughter mend the brokeness.  I give myself permission to feel all of the feelings I need to feel to allow myself to heal.  I feel the intense sadness.  I embrace the fear of the unknown future. 

I am determined to free myself from the destructive patterns of my past. 

I mourn the loss of my fairytale romance.

 

I accept myself and all the aspects of what makes me who I am.

Our personalities are ingrained into every fiber of our beings.  When I understand I feel TRUE comfort.  I do not have to rely on false comforts any longer.  The void is instead filled with compassion and love. 

I can feel love grow inside of me and it is exciting. 

One day at a time.

Believe in miracles!

Aren't we all trying to find our place in this world, attempting to figure out where we fit in?



No matter what, you are the same person anywhere you go.  You can dance around the issues inside your head your whole life and never feel like you know who you are.  You can escape to a fantasy world; you can role play; you can go through the motions; you can force a smile when you feel empty inside.  Change must come from within.  Imagine how exciting it is to feel the smile on the inside!!

If you are miserable, figure out what is causing the imbalance and love yourself enough to find your own answers.  The personality that is woven into the fiber of your being is not something you caused or something you can beat yourself up about.  You do have a choice as an adult to let go of your childhood fears and insecurities that keep you from being who you want to be.  Find the courage to face your deepest fears. Prove to yourself that you are strong enough to battle the demons that hold you back! 

Peace comes with understanding. 

Find your own happiness!  Feel the joy that comes in knowing yourself.  When the confusion subsides, clarity soothes and the need for false comfort disappears.

Find your inner light and let it guide you. . .do not despair, there is ALWAYS HOPE! 

Believe in miracles!

 

truth

"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.
-- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross"

Fairytale Ending

I wrote this four years ago and sadly it fits today. 
My spirit is in need of cleansing.  Though I am harmed I am not broken.  I am stronger and wiser.
I won't give up on love, I will just be cautious about whom I share my love with. . .  someone who is ready to be open and honest, and willing to risk being hurt.
Negative thoughts fester over time, and become ugly like a stagnant pond, all that was living dies.  Committing to someone shouldn't feel like a life sentence, and if it does then get out! 
If you plant a seed and store it in a dark cold room, you can't expect it to thrive.  I hoped there was a shaft of light that would break through, and reach the seed.  It was weak and withered relying on a single shaft of light to save the day.  I will not settle for a shaft of light ever again. 
For a seed to thrive into something sturdy and strong, it needs nurtured, and lots of sunlight, warmth and love.  I have many years worth of manure to fertilize, and now I need lots of sunshine!

Fairytale Ending
there once was a girl who met a boy

and she had been under an evil spell

she was a woman scorned

bruised from the past

the boy offered her his coat but not his heart

but she had mistaken his kindness for love

she started to fall

for the ideals that love entails

and her tunnel vision blinded her

the boy kissed her sweetly

and the spell melted away

she didn't mind the mirror

and saw herself in a different way

the boy held her close, he held her tight

and she tried to make the puzzle pieces fit with all of her might

no future to offer, no promises made

her thoughts ran wild and to her

fantasy world she became a slave

she unlocked the truth and settled the score

she's not a caged bird that will come back for more

good bye sweet prince of darkness

good luck with your reign

the girl closed the door, and left with her pain.

dwell in hope

I peek at the future with my passionate heart.

I release myself from perfectionism.

I am on a path of discovery and forgiveness. A path of honesty.

I accept myself.

I am open to receive the gifts life offers.

I wrap myself in blanket of understanding and dwell in a field of hope.

  I have peace in my heart.

Even in times of solitude I know I am not alone.

My inner voice whispers to be gentle and kind. . .

and I try.

strange

strange

thought i knew you well

thought i had read the sky

thought i had read a change

in your eyes 

so strange

woke up to a world

that i am not a part

except when i can play

it's stranger

after all what were you really looking for

and i wonder when will i learn

blue isn't red everybody knows this

and i wonder when will i learn

when will i learn

guess i was in

deeper than i thought i was

if i have enough love

for the both of us

"just stay"

you said "we'll build a nest"

so i left my life

tried on your friends

tried on your opinions.

so when the bridges froze

and you did not come home

i put our snowflake

under a microscope

after all what was i really looking for

and i wonder when will i learn

maybe my wish knew better than i did

and i wonder so strange now

i'm finally in

the party has begun

it's not like i can't feel you still

but strange what i will leave behind

you call me one more time

but now i must be leaving
-Tori Amos

Sip tea with nice scenery. . .

Come hang out with me in the parental backyard.  It is alive with birds and color. 

It was a very nice place to grow up.

Courage

Know your own heart
and trust it.

Be fair and honest.

Be gentle and loving.

Be considerate.

Be brave.

Be persistent.

Be accepting.

Be forgiving.

Be generous.

Be courageous.

Be willing to go outside of your comfort zone.

Understand where you are right now.

reverse the negative

Allow my creative energy to flow as never before so that I can write a novel and have it published while I am in my 30's.  Allow my confidence and passion to radiate so that I can be healthy like never before with renewed energy to take care of myself.  Allow me to remove stress from my life and learn to remain calm and at peace regardless of the chaos that occurs around me.

Sometimes I have a hard time saying the words I want to say and they come out wrong.  When I speak the words are sarcastic and cynical, when I don't mean them to be.  I have been holding my tongue so long that my jaw hurts and the words tumble out like sharp knives. 

Today.  This moment.  Right now.  This is it.  No worries.  No regrets.  No panic.  Just relax.  When things change, I embrace the change.  I do not fret about the future.  I do not worry about the things out of my control.  I do not expect the worst.  I look forward to the next day.  I look forward to communication.  I talk and I listen with an open mind and heart.  I dream tonight, drift to sleep with good thoughts.  Good things will come.  I ask questions.  I do not pretend.  I do not hide myself.  I am OK no matter what happens.  I do not accept fear as my guide.  I accept those I care about where they are right now.  I hope for understanding.  I believe in love.  I experience miracles. 

I am honest and truthful; I just want to be me.

Fool enough to almost be it

Cool enough to not quite see it

Doomed

Pick your pockets full of sorrow

And run away with me tomorrow

June

We'll try and ease the pain

But somehow we'll feel the same

Well, no one knows

Where our secrets go

I send a heart to all my dearies

When your life is so, so dreary

Dream

I'm rumored to the straight and narrow

While the harlots of my perils

Scream

And I fail

But when I can, I will

Try to understand

That when I can, I will

Mother weep the years I'm missing

All our time can't be given

Back

Shut my mouth and strike the demons

That cursed you and your reasons

Out of hand and out of season

Out of love and out of feeling

So bad

When I can, I will

Words defy the plan

When I can, I will

Fool enough to almost be it

And cool enough to not quite see it

And old enough to always feel this

Always old, I'll always feel this

No more promise no more sorrow

No longer will I follow

Can anybody hear me

I just want to be me

When I can, I will

Try to understand

That when I can, I will

 

-Smashing Pumpkins

unwind

all this untangling has been exhausting. . .so tonight is it time to unwind. 

Pad Thai, Counting Crows, a hot bubbly bath. . .my favorite lemongrass tea, and a nice little neck massage from my honey.  I had to skip the knitting lesson today, I am not making much progress. . .I keep pulling it apart and starting over.



Time for a break.

Anna Begins-Counting Crows

My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing."


I am not worried, I am not overly concerned.

My friend implores me, "For one time only,

make an exception." I am not worried.

Wrap her up in a package of lies,

Send her off to a coconut island.

I am not worried, I am not overly concerned with the status of my emotions.

"Oh," she says, "you're changing."

We're always changing...



It does not bother me to say this isn't love.

Because if you don't want to talk about it then it isn't love.

And I guess I'm gonna have to live with that.

But I'm sure there's something in a shade of grey,

Or something in between,

And I can always change my name

If that's what you mean.



My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing."

But I am not really worried, I am not overly concerned.

You try to tell yourself the things you try to tell yourself

To make yourself forget. To make yourself forget. I am not worried.

"If it's love," she said, "then we're gonna have to think about the consequences."

But she can't stop shaking and I can't stop touching her and...



This time when kindness falls like rain

It washes her away. And Anna begins to change her mind.

"These seconds when I'm shaking leave me shuddering for days," she says.

And I'm not ready for this sort of thing.



But I'm not gonna break and I'm not gonna worry about it anymore.

I'm not gonna bend, and I'm not gonna break. And I'm not going to worry about it anymore.

It seems like I should say, "As long as this is love..."

But it's not all that easy, so maybe I should

Snap her up in a butterfly net and pin her down on a photograph album.

I am not worried cuz I've done this sort of thing before.

But then I start to think about the consequences,

And I don't get no sleep in a quiet room and...



This time when kindness falls like rain

It washes me away. And Anna begins to change my mind.

And everytime she sneezes I believe it's love and,

Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing.



She's talking in her sleep.

It's keeping me awake. And Anna begins to toss and turn.

And every word is nonsense but I understand and,

Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing.



Her kindness bangs a gong,

It's moving me along. And Anna begins to fade away.

It's chasing me away. She disappears, and

Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing.

untangling

I started knitting this month.  I thought it seemed like a good idea to unravel the skeen of yarn into a ball.  I thought it would be easier to work with that way, and it looked cooler.  I didn't seek any advice or watch anyone else, I just went to town.  I yanked at the thread until it was in a big pile on my lap.  I started wrapping it (after I watched a "how-to" online) and realized that I had created a huge mess for myself.   It was a tangled-up knot-infested disaster.  It reminded me of what's been going on inside of me.  I started out with a clear (naive) vision of what I wanted my life to be, neatly wrapped like the skeen of yarn. 
My fairytale vision of my life.  All the threads even in perfect little rows. 
I wanted be a novelist with a wonderful husband and children and golden retriever.  I wanted live by the ocean in Bar Harbor, Maine.
What did I ever do to make this dream come true?  Was my fairy godmother going to give me a whack with her wand and it was going to materialize before my eyes?     
Somewhere down the road my thoughts became twisted up and tangled.  I lost my focus, and the passion I had for writing.  My heart was broken over a decade ago.  I tried to attach myself to someone else's dream and ride the wave.  After that I tried rescue an addict, and ended up with panic attacks.  Soon after that I learned just how little you can trust strangers, especially when you are an intoxicated college student.  Knot after knot, I pulled farther away from the girl who had a dream for herself.
I tried to pretend that my feelings and my heart didn't matter as much as everyone else's.  I tried to run away from my hurt.
Somewhere along the way, I lost my self.  My heart became blurry and confused.  A big tangled-up mess, mixed in a lovely array of anxiety and depression.
For the past several months I have been trying to pull it back together. 
As I untangled the thread I found that I could only work on little sections.  One tangle at a time.  It is the same process when sorting through your thoughts. There is no quick fix.  There is no easy way out.  Smooth out the knots with delicate pulls and tugs.  Gather and regroup.  I got frustrated and tried to yank as hard as I could at times, and failed to make any progress.  I worked on that yarn for over three hours, determined to make it all better.  I couldn't fix the very core, it was too knotty, and I had to cut my losses and leave the rest behind.  I started out with something perfect and ended up with something better, that I worked out for myself.  I left the massive tangles in the trash. 
It took me three hours to unsnarl the yarn.  It has taken me years to unsnarl my self image and my self respect.  I don't expect my fairy godmother to make my life happen, and I don't expect to ride on anyone's shirt tail through life.  I couldn't hand over my tangled yarn and expect anyone else to get the knots out for me. 
I am the main character in MY story, not just a minor one in someone else's.  Time to pull out my own fairy wings, get out my wand and do some whacking.  No one said this life was going to be easy, but now I know I am strong enough to face what tangles may come.

Quail Hollow

One of my favorite spots in north eastern Ohio is Quail Hollow.  I took a walk there with my parents this weekend.

Not much green yet, but the birds and frogs chirp as the little buds poke through the ground.

There is an open field across from my Mom and Dad's home.  There is a great sunset every evening.  Welcome back spring! 

Rilke with rain

Yes--the springtimes needed you.  Often a star

was waiting for you to notice it.  A waved rolled toward you

out of the distant past, or as you walked

under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing.  -Ranier Maria Rilke (The First Elegy)

Or maybe it was a cello. . . This song goes well with rain.

work in progress

I had a Body Mind & Spirit calendar last year and it had little exercises every month. The December challenge was to heal old wounds. That one stuck with me and I have been practicing since then.

It read:

Being at odds with others is harmful to physical, as well as emotional and spiritual health. Take the chance to heal old wounds and redress imbalances. Draw up a list of anyone you are on the outs with for any reason-they hurt your feelings, you hurt theirs. Acknowledge your part in the drama, and make amends where possible. Ask forgiveness and be willing to forgive everyone, including yourself.

It is like walking through mud at times. I have to slow down and take little baby steps. There is no running through this gauntlet. It is humbling. Sometimes scary. The more I allow forgiveness in my heart the better I have been feeling. I am attempting to let go of past grudges, mend burned bridges when possible and seek closure. As I made my mental list of hurts from the past, I realized that it traveled back a long way. Lots of unresolved wounds have been resurfacing. One by one. Diving to the bottom and dredging up the pain from the past. I am noticing that some of the clumps of muck I have been pulling up have been hiding little treasures that I wouldn't have found otherwise. I still have a way to go. Taking ownership of the responsibility in some cases is extremely challenging.



I am learning that being right isn't as important as being forgiving.



I know there will not be mutual forgiveness or acceptance from all. I will try nonetheless. I know that my heart is sincere in these attempts no matter what the outcome. I think the last part is the hardest of all; forgiving myself.

The more hurt I release the more room I have for love.

In dwelling, be close to the land.
In meditation, go deep in the heart.
In dealing with others, be gentle and kind.
In speech, be true.
In ruling, be just.
In daily life, be competent.
In action, be aware of the time and the season.

No fight: No blame. -Tao Te Ching (Lao Tsu)

(Body Mind & Spirit Calendar Silver Lining Calendar Duncan Baird Publishers)

is it safe to come out yet?

This was the vision I endured throughout most of February.  I pray the only time I see it again is if I happen to glimpse at these pictures.  It was the most snowfall ever recorded in Pittsburgh. . .EVER.  These pics are from the first storm one month ago today.

When the weather starts getting nice I feel overwhelmed with the urge to go go go.  I want to explore and discover and experience all at once.  I got a major case of spring fever. 

Yesterday I received polaroid film in the mail and I can't wait to use it.  Acutally I think I might wait a little while though until the ugly sooty snow piles have completely melted.  Gimme some green!

I walked a lot outside this past week and it lifted my spirit quite a bit.  I try to go to the gym but it is a struggle for me.  I prefer outdoor activities for exercise.  Being in the fresh air with the birds and squirrels makes me happy.

My honey just got a panini maker so yesterday morning we tried it out with  bistro breakfast panini  I found in Taste of Home magazine.  We made it with Soignon goat brie and black forest bacon.  We also used whole wheat bread and the skipped the spinach because the fresh I had wasn't so fresh anymore. Delicious!

I had a "pamper myself" evening with some new Lush products.  If you haven't tried Lush you should!  The salespeople at the Macy's store are excited to show new products and demo on your skin.  I used a BB Seaweed mask on my face when I got home last night and it was awesome!  It is so soothing.  It is so fresh you have to keep it in the refrigerator.  I tried to look up that product online, but I couldn't find it.  Maybe it is only available for sale at the store.

Today I am resting.  Just want to hang out at home and watch the world go by my window.  Drinking tea and writing.  My favorite morning combo of teas has been a mixture of Samurai Chai Mate, White Ayurvedic Chai and Pear Lemon Panache lately.  In the evenings I have been loving on some Tiramisu Treviso.

the Teavana mix

I have been reading Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott.  It is amazing how her instructions when put into practice have helped me get rid of my writer's block.  I have tried a lot of different writing prompts but her advice actually works for me.  It quenches my soul to free the stories locked inside.

I hope you have a good week.  :-)

I dub thee "Wanksy"

Because every potty needs a name.

I walked today and it felt wonderful to breathe in fresh air and get my legs in motion.  I sure hope these gigantor snow piles melt this weekend.

I made it through:

On the Mend-Foo Fighters

On/Off-Snow Patrol

Once Upon a Nightmare-Nox Arcana

One-U2

One Day-Bjork

One Day-The Verve

One Fine Wine-Colbie Caillat

One Flight Down-Norah Jones

One Sweet Love-Sara Bareilles

One Way to Go-The Verve

The Only Living Boy in New York-Simon & Garfunkel

It was a nice little walk.  So excited for spring!

This guy probably wouldn't bother decorating a crapper in Pittsburgh.

I'm here and I'm on the mend

I forgot about this song. . .I used to listen to it repeatedly when I was riding my bike on the bike trail in Lisbon.  I remembered it today and it made me smile.  It feels good to smile.