The beautiful connection

the crumbling
falling down
being gentle and kind
safely release
and watch it drift away
like a leaf on a river

 we do what we want
trying to make things feel good
trying to make it all make sense
make it work
make up
we wear make up to cover up
what we don't want to see
or enhance the face of truth to
pull out the beauty
that lies
lies lies lies
to ourselves
to seal
the wounds that tear open
when we reveal too much

sometimes i seem to forget myself and what makes me unique.  I really love who I am and I don't really love how I feel when i forget who I am.  It sucks to lose myself and it sends me into chaos and confusion.  It is ok to cry because I hurt or because I am happy.  It is authentic and true and it comes from a pure place.  I don't apologize or feel like I am weak.  I am strong and I have intense feelings, things are always enhanced for me and I am grateful.  This is why I must write.  This is my gift, I can make the world around me come to life with my words and my emotions and I can share it.  I have lots of stories pouring out of me.  Journals filled with my words, and more to come.  I have music surrounding me and each day is a sweet melodic gift.  So many things I want to experience.  There need not be darkness clouding over me.   I don't want the sadness to keep me down.  I will allow the mourning and the tears to flow and then let it go and go forward into the next day.  The place where I am is where I am supposed to be and I am grateful for all of it. 

questions

When I see the sea once more
will the sea have seen or not seen me?

Why do the waves ask me
the same questions I ask them?

And why do they strike the rock
with so much wasted passion?

Don't they get tired of repeating
their declaration to the sand?

-Pablo Neuruda from The Book of Questions

my heart is holding back

my heart is holding back all the love i want to pour out onto another.  this is not the time for it.  i feel my feelings growing in my safety zone fantasy world yet again, and i stop myself.  the ebb and flow like the ocean waters, learning my lessons from past experiences.  i feel gushy and lovey in a world of make believe then i become aware of my pattern, and i pull away.  fantasy does not bring satisfaction, it is a false sense of comfort, and i refuse to allow myself to entertain it's empty rewards.  there is joy and beauty in friendship, but acknowledging boundaries is healthy.  flirtations and silly daydreams are fun but they distract me from my true desires.  why can't i turn that fantasy love into real self love instead?  i can, actually and i am making up my mind right now to practice self love.  exercise, prayer, meditation, eating healthy food, and practicing self awareness.  if i do not feel comfortable in my own skin then i need to do something about it.  i know i can because i have done it before.  so here it goes, "operation chelle in shape" begins now.  starts today.  i am determined and focused.  i am ready now.  i will track my calories and join a gym.  i have a lot more confidence in myself and more energy when i am taking care of my body.

the happy ever after girl

had a lovely weekend filled with yummy blackberry spice and lavender vanilla martinis at the chapel, goth club dancing at the mercury,  2 am sidewalk dancing next to my truck, good friends, craft time, Ingrid Michaelson, Avett Brothers, Sammy Davis Jr., homemade oyster mushroom and artichoke pizza, dandelion botanical co. chai, kumbucha, a little toeheaded giggle monster, Puget Sound waves, bubble bath. . .

my heart smiles

There's a charmer who mesmerizes
there's a voice that soothes
there's music to calm
there's a mirror to reflect
there's trust to test
can I take the plunge?
feel pretty confident
I can trust
surprisingly I've found trust
regardless of the past
showing myself the
changes in my life
are pulling me into the truest
state of me
where I shine the most
where I attract
what my heart desires
love, kindness, serenity,
laughter,
friendship,
soulful connection,
my heart smiles.

my guardian angel

I know you watch over me. <3

and she knows

and she knows someday 

she will fall in love again

and she won't chase it down 

like a dream she cannot catch

it will come 

and it will be easy

like a hand slipping into another hand

comfortable and warm

it will not feel like running into a brick wall

instead it will energize and renew

she will feel at ease

at home

he won't be a false prophet

he will be as he appears

the truth on the surface

no need to dive and drown

"Inside myself is a place where I live all alone and that is where I renew my springs that never dry up." 

-Pearl S. Buck

strange day

up and down and all over the place.  that is how i feel sometimes.

I glow today and the tears fade away
they absorb into smiles
and dry even in the Seattle rain
the days in Pittsburgh enter my mind
the clouds of darkness
thick with depression and soul sadness
my gentle spirit with daily wounds
now healing in a comforting nest
I feel like I have found my home.

we do the best we can-sometimes we fall down and sometimes we have to pick ourselves up and keep going.  Who really knows what all of this means.  Why we're here or what happens when we die.  Be kind. Be real. Be genuine.  Let life take it's course.  What am I doing with my life?  What is the purpose of our being here?
I seek the truth.  I long for meaningful connection.  I seek protection for my sensitive heart.  Direction for my longing soul.  I feel the anger and hurt washing away but now what?  I moved myself across the USA. . .  What happens now?  Where does this path lead?
Sometimes I feel so far away, the distance between me and all that I have known.  But I know I needed to do this.  I can't hug anyone from this far away but my heart is with them.

life's soundtrack. . .

just listen to this while doing mundane activities that take up our lives, it will make it feel a little more like an adventure.  I promise. . .

what i do when i can't sleep

From Movies

click on pic, and it will take you to a video. . .Tool is the band.  Song is called Disposition.

I stuck it on youtube too. . .

My Ghost Story

This episode features a picture that I took in the Moonville Tunnel several years ago.  The story begins @ 25:07.

need a break

I want to be free from my thoughts today. 

kisses

I want more JOY, sunshine, ocean waves, campfires, hiking, smiles, courage, hope, seashells,.  I want less fear, questioning myself, insecurity.
I miss being kissed. . .I remember my first kiss ever. . .well, the one that I technically allowed to count as my 1st kiss, was a foreign exchange student from Siberia.  I wanted it to be perfect. . .and for a moment it was. . .  The girls I went to that party with screamed and giggled with me in the car when we were leaving the party.  It was a rush, and it made me feel so excited.  There have been some memorable kisses along the journey. 

It has been so long since I experienced a sweet kiss.  I long for that, simple and tender.  Tilt my head back and feel soft lips, taste sweet breath and a gently dancing tongue attached to a yummy fun guy with strong arms and a sexy smile.  It is like playing a guess who kind of game, what will this new man be like?  I can't see him clearly in my mind, but I know he's out there.  New lips, a new voice, new love.  It will find me, it will find me.  I will be patient for it.  A sweet one who understands me and who wants to know me inside, and experience life with me.  For now it is just me and I pour out my energy and recharge my own energy.  I embrace the cycle, be filled with the light and it will be a beacon to the love I crave. . .When I found the glass heart on the beach, it filled me with hope that this path is meant to be.  In the meantime I will sway to the music in my soul and hope that love will sing back my tune. . .

mogwai saturday. . .

ready to be transported!

love this. . .

"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." -Joseph Campbell

"Follow your bliss.
If you do follow your bliss,
you put yourself on a kind of track
that has been there all the while waiting for you,
and the life you ought to be living
is the one you are living.
When you can see that,
you begin to meet people
who are in the field of your bliss,
and they open the doors to you.
I say, follow your bliss and don't be afraid,
and doors will open
where you didn't know they were going to be.
If you follow your bliss,
doors will open for you that wouldn't have opened for anyone else."
— Joseph Campbell

this song is amazing.

close your eyes
let me touch you now
let me give you something that is real
close the door
leave your fears behind
let me give you what you're giving me
you are the only thing
that makes me want to live at all
when i am with you
there's no reason to pretend
that when i am with you i feel flames again
just put me inside you
i would never ever leave
just put me inside you
i would never ever leave
you

-Vast Lyrics

thoughts on a Wednesday

Love overwhelms me and I can hardly take it.  The cleansing tears that flow flood the eye gates and pour down my cheeky mounds, exposed, can't hide, but no one here seems to be aware of my tears and in silence they fall, unnoticed and unburdening.  The invisibility that I feel sometimes makes me feel like a spirit or a ghost haunting this space.  The security and the calm of going unnoticed, isn't that what I wanted?  It is easier to be invisible that it is to be on display.  When you are noticed, therein lies a much greater risk of being hurt.  But at what cost?  If you don't put yourself out there you can miss opportunities to connect with people who energize and allow you to shine.  Don't be afraid to be who you are, let your soul shine out and don't worry about being hurt.  There is a chance I could be surprised by not being hurt-there's no need for the false protection anymore.  Remove it, let it melt away with your past need for comfort.  Respect your body and feed it with health and love.  I feel the hot tears brimming my eyelids and making me feel tired and vulnerable.  I can feel the release and there is a pocket of emotion longing to escape.  To free me.  I don't need the layers of protection anymore.  I am free from the things that have bound me.  The need for comfort no longer needed is like saying goodbye to a lover  The relationship is not desired anymore and breaking away is hard but it is needed in order for me to keep growing inside.  Pruning away, dissolving.  Can I truly say goodbye to the insecurities or will it be a battle for always?  There is no one to whom I have to prove myself.  I am here not to be anything but me.

I love the freedom.  I was always free, I was the only one holding myself back, but I didn't realize it at the time.  Send light and love to the past, embrace it like a friend and let it go, Michelle.  There is no one and nothing holding you onto the past, nothing but you.  Use it as a building block, not a stumbling block.  There is no one out there to get you.  There is not a cosmic joke being played on you, there is no rug that will be pulled.  There is just the road ahead and the steps of today.  Let the joy wash over you today and know that you are submerged in pure beautiful love. 

Don't worry about loneliness, each day will bring what is needed.  Don't wish your life away, be happy with this moment.  I don't have to be afraid of anything.  Just be confident and let the love flow. The universe will set things right and balance itself out.  God will not leave someone who is praying for miracles out in the cold. He heard my cries, and he held me through all of it.  I can trust that keeping an eye on the truth will keep me from colliding with the sadness that blanketed me in the dark times. The time of complete confusion has ended, now there is clarity.

chelle by the seashore

Yesterday I went for a walk on the shore, and it brought tears of joy to my eyes.  I cried because I am so happy to be here.  I feel so blessed.  I get the opportunity to experience the ocean shore and the waves crashing anytime I want.  How awesome is that?  It made me feel so excited.  It is better than I ever dreamed.
When I look back at what I have been through this past year it makes me appreciate all of this.  I am ready to laugh, have a good time and be lighthearted.

Realness.  Reality.  I don't want to live in a fantasy world.  I want to be part of this reality.  I am pushing forward and making things happen instead of living in the fantasies inside my head.  I have to find the truth no matter how bad it sucks sometimes.  The sucky truth led me to this beautiful reality.

I have learned that loving someone is not about the romance.  It is not about saying what you think the other person wants to hear.  It is about seeing all aspects of someone, whether you like it all or not, and loving them anyways.  It is seeing them for who they really are.  Not allowing the romantic notions get in the way of actually letting someone just BE.  It is much more amazing to accept someone just the way they are and to acknowledge the flaws, not pretend they aren't there.  The constant truth.  I always see the good in people, but I want to accept the not so good or see the whole picture not just want I want to see or hear.  I don't want to just acknowledge what suites me.  Love is about having a real connection with someone, not a pretend or forced one.

If I pull the focus away from what I want to see, I can see the beauty of being human, seeing the raw realness.  Seeing the truth, we are all flawed but we all have that in common.  It is a shame to waste moments being insecure or unsure of ourselves, when we are all human.  I am me, and you are you.  There are friendships and connections to be made, and it will come naturally in time.  When I am open to receive, I will and it will be amazing.  Trust that it will happen, and it will.  I will not be left alone in this world.

Expectations are not a good idea.  It is better to just go with it and see what happens.  Expectations set us up for disappointment.  What is the point of doing that to yourself?  When I give myself a break and relax, life will bring me what I need.  Time to enjoy the ride.  

while driving through Wyoming

this song got me though the high altitude drive through Wyoming, that and a whole lot of praying (and driving 35 mph).  I thought my vehicle was going to die in the middle of nowhere, it was a rough road.  Dragging a Uhaul through Wyoming is NOT fun!  But the good news is that Wyoming eventually came to an end, like all things that suck!!! 

coffeehouse bliss

good music, good coffee. . .