love this. . .

"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." -Joseph Campbell

"Follow your bliss.
If you do follow your bliss,
you put yourself on a kind of track
that has been there all the while waiting for you,
and the life you ought to be living
is the one you are living.
When you can see that,
you begin to meet people
who are in the field of your bliss,
and they open the doors to you.
I say, follow your bliss and don't be afraid,
and doors will open
where you didn't know they were going to be.
If you follow your bliss,
doors will open for you that wouldn't have opened for anyone else."
— Joseph Campbell

this song is amazing.

close your eyes
let me touch you now
let me give you something that is real
close the door
leave your fears behind
let me give you what you're giving me
you are the only thing
that makes me want to live at all
when i am with you
there's no reason to pretend
that when i am with you i feel flames again
just put me inside you
i would never ever leave
just put me inside you
i would never ever leave
you

-Vast Lyrics

thoughts on a Wednesday

Love overwhelms me and I can hardly take it.  The cleansing tears that flow flood the eye gates and pour down my cheeky mounds, exposed, can't hide, but no one here seems to be aware of my tears and in silence they fall, unnoticed and unburdening.  The invisibility that I feel sometimes makes me feel like a spirit or a ghost haunting this space.  The security and the calm of going unnoticed, isn't that what I wanted?  It is easier to be invisible that it is to be on display.  When you are noticed, therein lies a much greater risk of being hurt.  But at what cost?  If you don't put yourself out there you can miss opportunities to connect with people who energize and allow you to shine.  Don't be afraid to be who you are, let your soul shine out and don't worry about being hurt.  There is a chance I could be surprised by not being hurt-there's no need for the false protection anymore.  Remove it, let it melt away with your past need for comfort.  Respect your body and feed it with health and love.  I feel the hot tears brimming my eyelids and making me feel tired and vulnerable.  I can feel the release and there is a pocket of emotion longing to escape.  To free me.  I don't need the layers of protection anymore.  I am free from the things that have bound me.  The need for comfort no longer needed is like saying goodbye to a lover  The relationship is not desired anymore and breaking away is hard but it is needed in order for me to keep growing inside.  Pruning away, dissolving.  Can I truly say goodbye to the insecurities or will it be a battle for always?  There is no one to whom I have to prove myself.  I am here not to be anything but me.

I love the freedom.  I was always free, I was the only one holding myself back, but I didn't realize it at the time.  Send light and love to the past, embrace it like a friend and let it go, Michelle.  There is no one and nothing holding you onto the past, nothing but you.  Use it as a building block, not a stumbling block.  There is no one out there to get you.  There is not a cosmic joke being played on you, there is no rug that will be pulled.  There is just the road ahead and the steps of today.  Let the joy wash over you today and know that you are submerged in pure beautiful love. 

Don't worry about loneliness, each day will bring what is needed.  Don't wish your life away, be happy with this moment.  I don't have to be afraid of anything.  Just be confident and let the love flow. The universe will set things right and balance itself out.  God will not leave someone who is praying for miracles out in the cold. He heard my cries, and he held me through all of it.  I can trust that keeping an eye on the truth will keep me from colliding with the sadness that blanketed me in the dark times. The time of complete confusion has ended, now there is clarity.

chelle by the seashore

Yesterday I went for a walk on the shore, and it brought tears of joy to my eyes.  I cried because I am so happy to be here.  I feel so blessed.  I get the opportunity to experience the ocean shore and the waves crashing anytime I want.  How awesome is that?  It made me feel so excited.  It is better than I ever dreamed.
When I look back at what I have been through this past year it makes me appreciate all of this.  I am ready to laugh, have a good time and be lighthearted.

Realness.  Reality.  I don't want to live in a fantasy world.  I want to be part of this reality.  I am pushing forward and making things happen instead of living in the fantasies inside my head.  I have to find the truth no matter how bad it sucks sometimes.  The sucky truth led me to this beautiful reality.

I have learned that loving someone is not about the romance.  It is not about saying what you think the other person wants to hear.  It is about seeing all aspects of someone, whether you like it all or not, and loving them anyways.  It is seeing them for who they really are.  Not allowing the romantic notions get in the way of actually letting someone just BE.  It is much more amazing to accept someone just the way they are and to acknowledge the flaws, not pretend they aren't there.  The constant truth.  I always see the good in people, but I want to accept the not so good or see the whole picture not just want I want to see or hear.  I don't want to just acknowledge what suites me.  Love is about having a real connection with someone, not a pretend or forced one.

If I pull the focus away from what I want to see, I can see the beauty of being human, seeing the raw realness.  Seeing the truth, we are all flawed but we all have that in common.  It is a shame to waste moments being insecure or unsure of ourselves, when we are all human.  I am me, and you are you.  There are friendships and connections to be made, and it will come naturally in time.  When I am open to receive, I will and it will be amazing.  Trust that it will happen, and it will.  I will not be left alone in this world.

Expectations are not a good idea.  It is better to just go with it and see what happens.  Expectations set us up for disappointment.  What is the point of doing that to yourself?  When I give myself a break and relax, life will bring me what I need.  Time to enjoy the ride.