To Heal

I moved to Seattle to heal and that is what I am doing.  

Slowly, gradually

The Puget Sound

is my refuge

the waves my meditation

the battering wind

the dryer of my tears

how many cups of tea

journal entries 

and windblown days

does it take to heal?

that is yet to be determined.

the hurt of the past

can reach for many miles

I can't go any further away from my past

without falling into the Pacific Ocean.

I have been experiencing 

"retracing" due to upper cervical chiropractic care

and it does some funky things to the mind and body

It is a healing process and it basically releases

past traumas and the 

mind body and soul 

relives the experience.

When the resurfacing occurs 

it makes me feel anxiety and

stress

that I thought had vanished.

I worked through a lot

of my kid fears

and went through the painful

realization that I was with a man

who was not good for me

when l lived in Pittsburgh and

went through therapy.

I worked myself into courage

to get out

and I soared out of the depressed sadness

into a new life I created for myself,

but I didn't get to just settle somewhere 

and live happily ever-after.

there are sacrifices 

heartaches

reality checks

Living in Seattle is expensive

and it hasn't been easy to live here

the way I have been on my own

with my meager income.

I haven't made it this far to give up

so I have to make some changes to 

my lifestyle to make this work.

I will be moving twenty more minutes 

away from the Puget Sound but 

I can handle that.

I think my biggest fear has been

taking this chance and failing.

I want to make this work

I have been now for two years

and it has been a challenge.

I miss the support of my friends and family

but they are with me always

no matter how far away.

I have met new people

but I want to meet more kindred

spirits.

I have made friends far away

in Philadelphia and Dallas.

I have good connections here

through my healing.

It takes a while to settle into a place

I started to feel the urge to try someplace new

but my finances keep me here for now.

I can get out of the financial hole

and make better choices.

Life is different from what I thought it would be

growing up 

a family

a home 

a career

I don't have any of those things

but I have the sea

and my freedom

it's the best thing for me

the salt water

the waves, 

the air

the sand.

It has been healing

and the layers of false protection

are chiseled away

being healthy in 

body

utilizing methods of healing

acupuncture, massage, meditation,

I spend a lot of time by myself

It feels liberating to drop the weight

that I've been carrying around

I still have further to go

but I am happy with where I am now

I have an occasional glass of wine

or indulge in goat cheese

but I basically stick with the veggie and protein lifestyle

I have been reading the Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron and it

is helping me understand a lot about myself.

All the guilt I've felt about not constantly being on the go, for example.

It is OK to take a day of rest.  I am allowed to do as much or as little as I wish.

Overstimulation exhausts me and to recharge I have to be alone and quiet.

Sometimes I just need quiet

chill and relaxing peace.

how badly do I want something?

to write. . .I AM writing.

To take photographs. . .I do that as well.

I am doing what I love,

It is just not in the bulk of my time that I spend doing that which I love.

I perhaps need to change my perspective.

I spend my time at my job helping people,

and that is something that I am passionate about.

I am maybe not doing it the way I want right now

but I am helping people. 

It's funny how light from the sun

reflecting on the water

can make it look so much bluer and vibrant.

The grey day can make the water look murky and dull.

It's a huge difference to view life

with light or through sadness and darkness.

We don't get to have sunshine everyday

but when it comes it is glorious.

It's the same water no matter what eyes we use to look upon it.