dwell in hope

I peek at the future with my passionate heart.

I release myself from perfectionism.

I am on a path of discovery and forgiveness. A path of honesty.

I accept myself.

I am open to receive the gifts life offers.

I wrap myself in blanket of understanding and dwell in a field of hope.

  I have peace in my heart.

Even in times of solitude I know I am not alone.

My inner voice whispers to be gentle and kind. . .

and I try.

strange

strange

thought i knew you well

thought i had read the sky

thought i had read a change

in your eyes 

so strange

woke up to a world

that i am not a part

except when i can play

it's stranger

after all what were you really looking for

and i wonder when will i learn

blue isn't red everybody knows this

and i wonder when will i learn

when will i learn

guess i was in

deeper than i thought i was

if i have enough love

for the both of us

"just stay"

you said "we'll build a nest"

so i left my life

tried on your friends

tried on your opinions.

so when the bridges froze

and you did not come home

i put our snowflake

under a microscope

after all what was i really looking for

and i wonder when will i learn

maybe my wish knew better than i did

and i wonder so strange now

i'm finally in

the party has begun

it's not like i can't feel you still

but strange what i will leave behind

you call me one more time

but now i must be leaving
-Tori Amos

Sip tea with nice scenery. . .

Come hang out with me in the parental backyard.  It is alive with birds and color. 

It was a very nice place to grow up.

Courage

Know your own heart
and trust it.

Be fair and honest.

Be gentle and loving.

Be considerate.

Be brave.

Be persistent.

Be accepting.

Be forgiving.

Be generous.

Be courageous.

Be willing to go outside of your comfort zone.

Understand where you are right now.

reverse the negative

Allow my creative energy to flow as never before so that I can write a novel and have it published while I am in my 30's.  Allow my confidence and passion to radiate so that I can be healthy like never before with renewed energy to take care of myself.  Allow me to remove stress from my life and learn to remain calm and at peace regardless of the chaos that occurs around me.

Sometimes I have a hard time saying the words I want to say and they come out wrong.  When I speak the words are sarcastic and cynical, when I don't mean them to be.  I have been holding my tongue so long that my jaw hurts and the words tumble out like sharp knives. 

Today.  This moment.  Right now.  This is it.  No worries.  No regrets.  No panic.  Just relax.  When things change, I embrace the change.  I do not fret about the future.  I do not worry about the things out of my control.  I do not expect the worst.  I look forward to the next day.  I look forward to communication.  I talk and I listen with an open mind and heart.  I dream tonight, drift to sleep with good thoughts.  Good things will come.  I ask questions.  I do not pretend.  I do not hide myself.  I am OK no matter what happens.  I do not accept fear as my guide.  I accept those I care about where they are right now.  I hope for understanding.  I believe in love.  I experience miracles. 

I am honest and truthful; I just want to be me.

Fool enough to almost be it

Cool enough to not quite see it

Doomed

Pick your pockets full of sorrow

And run away with me tomorrow

June

We'll try and ease the pain

But somehow we'll feel the same

Well, no one knows

Where our secrets go

I send a heart to all my dearies

When your life is so, so dreary

Dream

I'm rumored to the straight and narrow

While the harlots of my perils

Scream

And I fail

But when I can, I will

Try to understand

That when I can, I will

Mother weep the years I'm missing

All our time can't be given

Back

Shut my mouth and strike the demons

That cursed you and your reasons

Out of hand and out of season

Out of love and out of feeling

So bad

When I can, I will

Words defy the plan

When I can, I will

Fool enough to almost be it

And cool enough to not quite see it

And old enough to always feel this

Always old, I'll always feel this

No more promise no more sorrow

No longer will I follow

Can anybody hear me

I just want to be me

When I can, I will

Try to understand

That when I can, I will

 

-Smashing Pumpkins

unwind

all this untangling has been exhausting. . .so tonight is it time to unwind. 

Pad Thai, Counting Crows, a hot bubbly bath. . .my favorite lemongrass tea, and a nice little neck massage from my honey.  I had to skip the knitting lesson today, I am not making much progress. . .I keep pulling it apart and starting over.



Time for a break.

Anna Begins-Counting Crows

My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing."


I am not worried, I am not overly concerned.

My friend implores me, "For one time only,

make an exception." I am not worried.

Wrap her up in a package of lies,

Send her off to a coconut island.

I am not worried, I am not overly concerned with the status of my emotions.

"Oh," she says, "you're changing."

We're always changing...



It does not bother me to say this isn't love.

Because if you don't want to talk about it then it isn't love.

And I guess I'm gonna have to live with that.

But I'm sure there's something in a shade of grey,

Or something in between,

And I can always change my name

If that's what you mean.



My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing."

But I am not really worried, I am not overly concerned.

You try to tell yourself the things you try to tell yourself

To make yourself forget. To make yourself forget. I am not worried.

"If it's love," she said, "then we're gonna have to think about the consequences."

But she can't stop shaking and I can't stop touching her and...



This time when kindness falls like rain

It washes her away. And Anna begins to change her mind.

"These seconds when I'm shaking leave me shuddering for days," she says.

And I'm not ready for this sort of thing.



But I'm not gonna break and I'm not gonna worry about it anymore.

I'm not gonna bend, and I'm not gonna break. And I'm not going to worry about it anymore.

It seems like I should say, "As long as this is love..."

But it's not all that easy, so maybe I should

Snap her up in a butterfly net and pin her down on a photograph album.

I am not worried cuz I've done this sort of thing before.

But then I start to think about the consequences,

And I don't get no sleep in a quiet room and...



This time when kindness falls like rain

It washes me away. And Anna begins to change my mind.

And everytime she sneezes I believe it's love and,

Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing.



She's talking in her sleep.

It's keeping me awake. And Anna begins to toss and turn.

And every word is nonsense but I understand and,

Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing.



Her kindness bangs a gong,

It's moving me along. And Anna begins to fade away.

It's chasing me away. She disappears, and

Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing.

untangling

I started knitting this month.  I thought it seemed like a good idea to unravel the skeen of yarn into a ball.  I thought it would be easier to work with that way, and it looked cooler.  I didn't seek any advice or watch anyone else, I just went to town.  I yanked at the thread until it was in a big pile on my lap.  I started wrapping it (after I watched a "how-to" online) and realized that I had created a huge mess for myself.   It was a tangled-up knot-infested disaster.  It reminded me of what's been going on inside of me.  I started out with a clear (naive) vision of what I wanted my life to be, neatly wrapped like the skeen of yarn. 
My fairytale vision of my life.  All the threads even in perfect little rows. 
I wanted be a novelist with a wonderful husband and children and golden retriever.  I wanted live by the ocean in Bar Harbor, Maine.
What did I ever do to make this dream come true?  Was my fairy godmother going to give me a whack with her wand and it was going to materialize before my eyes?     
Somewhere down the road my thoughts became twisted up and tangled.  I lost my focus, and the passion I had for writing.  My heart was broken over a decade ago.  I tried to attach myself to someone else's dream and ride the wave.  After that I tried rescue an addict, and ended up with panic attacks.  Soon after that I learned just how little you can trust strangers, especially when you are an intoxicated college student.  Knot after knot, I pulled farther away from the girl who had a dream for herself.
I tried to pretend that my feelings and my heart didn't matter as much as everyone else's.  I tried to run away from my hurt.
Somewhere along the way, I lost my self.  My heart became blurry and confused.  A big tangled-up mess, mixed in a lovely array of anxiety and depression.
For the past several months I have been trying to pull it back together. 
As I untangled the thread I found that I could only work on little sections.  One tangle at a time.  It is the same process when sorting through your thoughts. There is no quick fix.  There is no easy way out.  Smooth out the knots with delicate pulls and tugs.  Gather and regroup.  I got frustrated and tried to yank as hard as I could at times, and failed to make any progress.  I worked on that yarn for over three hours, determined to make it all better.  I couldn't fix the very core, it was too knotty, and I had to cut my losses and leave the rest behind.  I started out with something perfect and ended up with something better, that I worked out for myself.  I left the massive tangles in the trash. 
It took me three hours to unsnarl the yarn.  It has taken me years to unsnarl my self image and my self respect.  I don't expect my fairy godmother to make my life happen, and I don't expect to ride on anyone's shirt tail through life.  I couldn't hand over my tangled yarn and expect anyone else to get the knots out for me. 
I am the main character in MY story, not just a minor one in someone else's.  Time to pull out my own fairy wings, get out my wand and do some whacking.  No one said this life was going to be easy, but now I know I am strong enough to face what tangles may come.

Quail Hollow

One of my favorite spots in north eastern Ohio is Quail Hollow.  I took a walk there with my parents this weekend.

Not much green yet, but the birds and frogs chirp as the little buds poke through the ground.

There is an open field across from my Mom and Dad's home.  There is a great sunset every evening.  Welcome back spring! 

Rilke with rain

Yes--the springtimes needed you.  Often a star

was waiting for you to notice it.  A waved rolled toward you

out of the distant past, or as you walked

under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing.  -Ranier Maria Rilke (The First Elegy)

Or maybe it was a cello. . . This song goes well with rain.

work in progress

I had a Body Mind & Spirit calendar last year and it had little exercises every month. The December challenge was to heal old wounds. That one stuck with me and I have been practicing since then.

It read:

Being at odds with others is harmful to physical, as well as emotional and spiritual health. Take the chance to heal old wounds and redress imbalances. Draw up a list of anyone you are on the outs with for any reason-they hurt your feelings, you hurt theirs. Acknowledge your part in the drama, and make amends where possible. Ask forgiveness and be willing to forgive everyone, including yourself.

It is like walking through mud at times. I have to slow down and take little baby steps. There is no running through this gauntlet. It is humbling. Sometimes scary. The more I allow forgiveness in my heart the better I have been feeling. I am attempting to let go of past grudges, mend burned bridges when possible and seek closure. As I made my mental list of hurts from the past, I realized that it traveled back a long way. Lots of unresolved wounds have been resurfacing. One by one. Diving to the bottom and dredging up the pain from the past. I am noticing that some of the clumps of muck I have been pulling up have been hiding little treasures that I wouldn't have found otherwise. I still have a way to go. Taking ownership of the responsibility in some cases is extremely challenging.



I am learning that being right isn't as important as being forgiving.



I know there will not be mutual forgiveness or acceptance from all. I will try nonetheless. I know that my heart is sincere in these attempts no matter what the outcome. I think the last part is the hardest of all; forgiving myself.

The more hurt I release the more room I have for love.

In dwelling, be close to the land.
In meditation, go deep in the heart.
In dealing with others, be gentle and kind.
In speech, be true.
In ruling, be just.
In daily life, be competent.
In action, be aware of the time and the season.

No fight: No blame. -Tao Te Ching (Lao Tsu)

(Body Mind & Spirit Calendar Silver Lining Calendar Duncan Baird Publishers)

is it safe to come out yet?

This was the vision I endured throughout most of February.  I pray the only time I see it again is if I happen to glimpse at these pictures.  It was the most snowfall ever recorded in Pittsburgh. . .EVER.  These pics are from the first storm one month ago today.

When the weather starts getting nice I feel overwhelmed with the urge to go go go.  I want to explore and discover and experience all at once.  I got a major case of spring fever. 

Yesterday I received polaroid film in the mail and I can't wait to use it.  Acutally I think I might wait a little while though until the ugly sooty snow piles have completely melted.  Gimme some green!

I walked a lot outside this past week and it lifted my spirit quite a bit.  I try to go to the gym but it is a struggle for me.  I prefer outdoor activities for exercise.  Being in the fresh air with the birds and squirrels makes me happy.

My honey just got a panini maker so yesterday morning we tried it out with  bistro breakfast panini  I found in Taste of Home magazine.  We made it with Soignon goat brie and black forest bacon.  We also used whole wheat bread and the skipped the spinach because the fresh I had wasn't so fresh anymore. Delicious!

I had a "pamper myself" evening with some new Lush products.  If you haven't tried Lush you should!  The salespeople at the Macy's store are excited to show new products and demo on your skin.  I used a BB Seaweed mask on my face when I got home last night and it was awesome!  It is so soothing.  It is so fresh you have to keep it in the refrigerator.  I tried to look up that product online, but I couldn't find it.  Maybe it is only available for sale at the store.

Today I am resting.  Just want to hang out at home and watch the world go by my window.  Drinking tea and writing.  My favorite morning combo of teas has been a mixture of Samurai Chai Mate, White Ayurvedic Chai and Pear Lemon Panache lately.  In the evenings I have been loving on some Tiramisu Treviso.

the Teavana mix

I have been reading Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott.  It is amazing how her instructions when put into practice have helped me get rid of my writer's block.  I have tried a lot of different writing prompts but her advice actually works for me.  It quenches my soul to free the stories locked inside.

I hope you have a good week.  :-)

I dub thee "Wanksy"

Because every potty needs a name.

I walked today and it felt wonderful to breathe in fresh air and get my legs in motion.  I sure hope these gigantor snow piles melt this weekend.

I made it through:

On the Mend-Foo Fighters

On/Off-Snow Patrol

Once Upon a Nightmare-Nox Arcana

One-U2

One Day-Bjork

One Day-The Verve

One Fine Wine-Colbie Caillat

One Flight Down-Norah Jones

One Sweet Love-Sara Bareilles

One Way to Go-The Verve

The Only Living Boy in New York-Simon & Garfunkel

It was a nice little walk.  So excited for spring!

This guy probably wouldn't bother decorating a crapper in Pittsburgh.

I'm here and I'm on the mend

I forgot about this song. . .I used to listen to it repeatedly when I was riding my bike on the bike trail in Lisbon.  I remembered it today and it made me smile.  It feels good to smile.

Lemon love

we made roasted broccoli with garlic and lemon a couple times lately.

This is one of my favorites--I roast the asparagus in the oven though instead.

I made light lemon poppy seed muffins last week.

This is the best lemon yogurt I have ever tasted.  I also love the plum walnut.  It is heaven!!!

reasons why my life is good

1. I have my health.

2. I have health insurance when I need to use it.

3. I have good parents who love me.

4. I found a sweet companion who loves me for me.

5. I can write well. 

6. I have wonderful friends.

7. I am a good cook.

8. I love with my whole heart.

9. My life has beautiful moments

10. I was fortunate enough to obtain a college education

11. I live in a comfy love nest. 

12. I am free to do as I wish.

Take that dreary snow crap weather!  UH!

undo

It's not meant to be a strife


It's not meant to be a struggle uphill

Oh I



It's not meant to be a strife

It's not meant to be a struggle uphill

Oh I



You're trying too hard

Surrender

Give yourself in

You're trying too hard

You're trying too hard, ah



It's not meant to be a strife

It's not meant to be a struggle uphill

Sweetly

It's not meant to be as dry

To enjoy

It's not meant to be a stuggle uphill

Oh I



It's warmer now

Lean into it

Unfold

Unfold in a generous way

Surrender



It's not meant to be as dry (surrender)

It's not meant (undo) to be a struggle uphill (undo)

It's not meant to be as dry

It's not meant to be a struggle uphill



I'm praying

To be

In a generous mode

The kindness kind

The kindness kind

To share

Me

To share me



It's not meant to be as dry

It's not meant to be a struggle uphill



It's not meant to be as dry

It's not meant to be a struggle uphill



Undo

Undo

If you're bleeding

Undo

And if you're sweating

Undo

If you're crying, darling

Undo



Undo

Oh I

Unravel
 
-Bjork

StoryCorps is awesome

This is a very heartfelt beautiful recording of a father and his daughters.

Ken Morganstern, Priya Morganstern, and Bhavani Jaroff

found

I found these poems in one of my many little spiral notebooks in storage box today.

I wrote them ten years ago.

She is lost in a maze

searching

for the little girl

the woman

in the window reflection

she sees the future

outside

but she's trapped in

the reflection

"peer past the past"

she whispers

"don't be afraid."

She looks all around

and sees

glimpses of herself

little pieces of what

she left along the way.

Go back and pick them up

and then shut the

door,

Don't hold on any longer

There's nothing barring

the door

nothing but your own

strength

try it.

Try the new door.

No one is keeping you from moving on

imaginary locks

they aren't there.

"Open the door"

the past whispers in unison,

voices from lost loves.

"You can do it"-

see what lies beyond the hurt of the past

venture ahead.

"Leave us behind.

It's time!"

____________________________________

Trust yourself

believe

all that happens to you

fits into a bigger picture

you'll see someday it will make sense

you can make it through

all of the past

shake the dust off of your stagnant

spirit

Let it soar!

You can go anywhere

Let it all go

before it drags you down further.

_______________________________

A ship abandoned at sea.

It is not meant to be.

The ship once held her captive.

She sailed alone-

picking up the occasional drifter

men on driftwood

trying to stay afloat

She tried to help them

she pulled them aboard

and gave them all that she had

She did not ration her feelings

She poured them out openly

and the drifter filled up on the rations quickly.

She forgot to save some for herself.

She began to starve and would cling to the drifter

begging to be filled in return.

The drifter was frightened,

too much to ask-

He jumped into the sea.

She sadly watched him sink.

The pattern repeated

one day she looked down at herself-

for she had not realized before

she had shackles on her wrists,

but there were no chains holding her to the ship.

She didn't realize until one day that she was

not trapped.

She jumped into a life boat

and left the ship behind.

Abandoned the ship she thought she

would inhabit forever.

She floated to shore and put her feet on the ground.

The earth stable under her feet

instead of the shaky sea.

No more drifters would distract her from her

destination.

She planted new thoughts and feelings

and they grew

flourished like nothing she had ever given away

to the drifters.

Refreshing and fulfilling

she tended them and knew

that when the man on the land would come

She could give him as much as he wanted,

and she would still be nourished herself.

one of my favorites

Click here to view these pictures larger

Believe

Believe you are enough and you are.  Believe you are complete and you are.  Believe you have everything you need and you do.  Believe you will find peace and you will.  Believe the truth will be revealed to you and it will.  Trust your inner compass.  Trust your heart.  Ask the questions on your heart.