stirring the pot

If you've never tried craniosacral therapy, you should give it a whirl.  I was told that I had one of the worse cases of TMJ (temporomandibular joint or tightness in my jaw) by two different therapists that either of them have ever seen.  After three visits with my naturopath doctor; Dr. Theresa Goldsmith at The Emerald Center for Integrative Medicine,  performing craniosacral massage, the tightness is almost gone.  My doctor said it was not only from the work she's done but the truth I have proclaimed in my life recently.  I carry stress in my jaw from holding my tongue from the truth.

What truth?  

I am bored with my job.

I lack direction in my "career" path.  

I need to find work where I can thrive.  

How many more desk jobs will I have where I burn out in two years and have to move to another position?  I am having trouble moving around in the current company.  Doors are closed to me.  I am flailing like a fish out of water.  I'm a round peg trying to fit into a square hole.  My truth keeps the doors closed.  

Time to find the open doors.

I am beginning to explore the options of moving on in my search for fulfilling work, or at least working toward a goal to make a truth-filled future for myself.  I had a poor review with my current position in customer service.  I have been taking things personally when people speak to me with anger or frustration.  I get defensive.  I am experiencing burn-out.  I don't like the way I feel about my job.  I am trying to approach it with a better attitude.  I am grateful to have a job.  I don't need to give my power away because of some jerk's bad day.  I am better than that.  It is not fulfilling my soul, but in the meantime I must not let it steal my joy. 

I am looking into possibly trying massage therapy, or photography or nutrition, or ???  I would have to beef up on the organic chemistry classes if I wish to follow the path of nutritionist, and that may take me at least four years to get there.  Is that what I really want?  The help is there if I need it, the universe will open up and accept whichever path I choose.  I have dates set up to explore the programs and I am looking forward to seeing what is out there.

I won't listen to anyone trying to tell me what I CAN'T do.  There have been too many times where I let negativity keep me from moving forward or pursing one of my passions.  I can do whatever I put my mind to do.

With focus and ambition and federal student loans, I can go back to school and learn something that I can do that will be more in alignment with who I am.

I am glad that I am able to get away on the weekends to the woods and see beautiful things.  This is the absolute best therapy.   But all the stirring is bringing about another change in the season. . .new choices to make.  Stirring the pot that's been stagnant for a long time feels good.  It is time to take the next step. . .

a sacred place

I am sitting on a picnic table in one of the most magnificent places I've seen.  I'm in a remote spot only reachable by boat on Lake Chalen.  It is early morning, and I am the only one awake.  I have my tent set up away from the others.  In a perfect spot by the lake.

There's raging river beside me coming off of a mountain cascading down into the crystal blue lake.

There are snowcapped mountains with little trees lining the surface like a man's facial stubble in need of a shave.

There's a calm, peace and wondrous presence of God here.  So close to me right now.  Spiritual healing, continuously, working on my soul.  There's  no "arrival" moment, just constant testing, failure, success, confusion and letting go.

Moving forward, moving on.  What's my purpose on this planet?  I've been so blessed to enjoy the richness of beauty all around me.  I take in the brilliance of this secret place that my friends have shared with me because they love me and wanted me to experience it with them.

Here I am, God.  Mold me into who you want me to be.  I want to be a light and not allow anyone to take my light from me.  How do I take the next leap of faith?  Where do I go next?  How do I fit in?  

 This place is so wonderful-I am so honored to be in a sacred spot.  It moves me to tears of joy and it restores my soul.    Thank you God for making such a beautiful planet.  Thank you for making me.  I am so happy to experience each and every moment.  Thank you for making me so sensitive, it allows me to experience life so richly and fully.

I feel EVERYTHING!!!
I am living my dream!

abundance

I had a dream about abundance.  It was quite powerful.

I was imagining things and they appeared in my hands.  It was magical.
One of my friends was standing by in the dream asking how I did it and I just told her that "I believed".
Believing makes things real.  Brings things to pass.  Allows for good things to come.

I also had a dream about a hummingbird guiding me.  I see the spirit of my grandpa being a hummingbird.  He is like a lighthouse in the storms that come into my life.

I feel my energy has changed with this new place.
I have more light.
I have more. . .
De-cluttering once again.  I want to get rid of the things that weigh me down.
I want to incorporate exercise more into my routine.
Explore bike trails, and more hiking destinations.
There's so much to explore and to learn.

I will make it past this plateau with my nutritional journey.  I haven't lost any more weight and held steady at 35 lbs of weight loss.  My goal isn't necessarily to reach an ideal weight but to be a healthier and more energetic me.  I am getting irritated that I have hit the plateau but I am in a better place than I was when I started and I am happy with me.  I can't expect different results without making more changes.  I am hoping to start physical training.  I hit a snag in that process as well, but everything happens for a reason.  I had a bad experience with a gym that I joined.  I am trying to work it out so that I can work out.

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just let go

just let go, a photo by Moonsong1977 on Flickr.

honor my intuition

I can only control myself.
I create my own happiness, only I can be in charge of seeking the joy for my own life.
I choose to be happy, to find peace, to be kind, to love, care, release the creative spirit, to give.
I maintain a calm space for myself.

I am moving at the end of the month to a different apartment and it is another shift for me.  I am leaving Ballard and my little 1930's apartment building.  It feels like it is time to grow and move on, and the timing is good.  I've been in this spot for two years, and I am ready to explore more of Seattle.  I am moving to a quiet neighborhood where I will have a garden and a patio.
Moving is stressful, but I am trying to calm my urge to freak out or shut down.  Acupuncture, meditation, massage, my sweet kitty and lots of music are helping with this transition.
I will try to honor the voice inside of me that tells me when it is time to relax or to stop and find quiet.
When there is too much stimulation around me, it tires me, exhausts me and it's time to retreat.
I am grateful for the opportunity to learn so much about myself and the chance to honor my intuition.

Inspiration for the day

To Heal

I moved to Seattle to heal and that is what I am doing.  

Slowly, gradually

The Puget Sound

is my refuge

the waves my meditation

the battering wind

the dryer of my tears

how many cups of tea

journal entries 

and windblown days

does it take to heal?

that is yet to be determined.

the hurt of the past

can reach for many miles

I can't go any further away from my past

without falling into the Pacific Ocean.

I have been experiencing 

"retracing" due to upper cervical chiropractic care

and it does some funky things to the mind and body

It is a healing process and it basically releases

past traumas and the 

mind body and soul 

relives the experience.

When the resurfacing occurs 

it makes me feel anxiety and

stress

that I thought had vanished.

I worked through a lot

of my kid fears

and went through the painful

realization that I was with a man

who was not good for me

when l lived in Pittsburgh and

went through therapy.

I worked myself into courage

to get out

and I soared out of the depressed sadness

into a new life I created for myself,

but I didn't get to just settle somewhere 

and live happily ever-after.

there are sacrifices 

heartaches

reality checks

Living in Seattle is expensive

and it hasn't been easy to live here

the way I have been on my own

with my meager income.

I haven't made it this far to give up

so I have to make some changes to 

my lifestyle to make this work.

I will be moving twenty more minutes 

away from the Puget Sound but 

I can handle that.

I think my biggest fear has been

taking this chance and failing.

I want to make this work

I have been now for two years

and it has been a challenge.

I miss the support of my friends and family

but they are with me always

no matter how far away.

I have met new people

but I want to meet more kindred

spirits.

I have made friends far away

in Philadelphia and Dallas.

I have good connections here

through my healing.

It takes a while to settle into a place

I started to feel the urge to try someplace new

but my finances keep me here for now.

I can get out of the financial hole

and make better choices.

Life is different from what I thought it would be

growing up 

a family

a home 

a career

I don't have any of those things

but I have the sea

and my freedom

it's the best thing for me

the salt water

the waves, 

the air

the sand.

It has been healing

and the layers of false protection

are chiseled away

being healthy in 

body

utilizing methods of healing

acupuncture, massage, meditation,

I spend a lot of time by myself

It feels liberating to drop the weight

that I've been carrying around

I still have further to go

but I am happy with where I am now

I have an occasional glass of wine

or indulge in goat cheese

but I basically stick with the veggie and protein lifestyle

I have been reading the Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron and it

is helping me understand a lot about myself.

All the guilt I've felt about not constantly being on the go, for example.

It is OK to take a day of rest.  I am allowed to do as much or as little as I wish.

Overstimulation exhausts me and to recharge I have to be alone and quiet.

Sometimes I just need quiet

chill and relaxing peace.

how badly do I want something?

to write. . .I AM writing.

To take photographs. . .I do that as well.

I am doing what I love,

It is just not in the bulk of my time that I spend doing that which I love.

I perhaps need to change my perspective.

I spend my time at my job helping people,

and that is something that I am passionate about.

I am maybe not doing it the way I want right now

but I am helping people. 

It's funny how light from the sun

reflecting on the water

can make it look so much bluer and vibrant.

The grey day can make the water look murky and dull.

It's a huge difference to view life

with light or through sadness and darkness.

We don't get to have sunshine everyday

but when it comes it is glorious.

It's the same water no matter what eyes we use to look upon it.

beachcomber

 I had a little chilly weather February picnic for myself at Discovery Park.  French olives, Spanish Valencian almonds, Pave de Jadis goat milk cheese, hot coppa, gluten free crackers, and coconut water.

 I walked the shoreline and found some things that caught my eye along the way.

 Another heart on a piece of driftwood.

 An abandoned shovel.

 A ghostly skeleton leaf.

 A rusty nail.

I found lots of treasures.

I found myself.

sick day--plea to universe

I can manifest my vision
I can make my dreams come true
I believe in myself
I will it to be so
and the universe responds
I am a light
I exercise and do the things necessary
to be healthy
I don't worry
I celebrate my victories
I mourn my defeats
but I don't allow them to control me
I bring about abundance
goodness
happiness and joy
I'm energetic, productive, giving,
caring, excited, and forgiving
I make the changes I need to make
to bring the goodness into my life
I don't listen to the negativity
I don't allow anyone to tell me what
I am capable of doing
I face my problems and do the hard work
to get to the other side.
I am a light.

part of the journey from michelleschrader77 on 8tracks Radio.

while on the bus

light dark light
move
stand still
lay down
dream
listen
visual stimulation
others lives
fairytales
ambitions
comparisons
the truth underneath the covers
try to break through
the surface
but it cannot permeate
the layer of lies
and deception
it's more fun to
imagine that everyone
else's lives are so much
more successful than your own
how depressing would it
be to unveil the grass as brown
instead of greener?

it's built into the green eyed
monster mentality
to create a dream
that couldn't be farther
from truth
stop looking
and get into the meaty center
of you
it's not found on the food network
or tips to live by
in someone's self help book
it's the flesh, the soul
the facts
we won't live two hundred years
some won't see next Christmas
and whatever this life
means to me
doesn't mean anything to you
and you wonder
what the cosmic bets are
in this tiny game that
lasts for centuries
what's it all mean?
too deeply involved in making breakfast
to worry about a crack
in my universe.

ocean tide puget sound ride from michelleschrader77 on 8tracks Radio.

A Cheesy Testimonial

I agreed to write a testimonial about the progress I have made with my weight loss and life change.  Here it is. . .after a little glimpse of Golden Gardens.

I have been chubby since puberty.  The women in my family are large breasted and very short.  I have lost and gained weight, tried different fad diets, exercise programs and have watched my mom battle her weight my whole life.  I saw my grandmother die from complications due to obesity.

I moved to Seattle two years ago.  It was a big life change for me and I ate and drank my way through the stress.  This coping mechanism caused me to be heavier than I've ever been.  I left the comfort of home and tried to find it elsewhere.  I guess I never realized just how much I depended on food for comfort.

The thing with me is that I have a pretty good sense of self.  I have always liked myself, and my weight doesn't determine my self worth.  I didn't even realize how heavy I had become until I saw a picture of myself last May and I looked uncomfortable in my own skin.  I also realized that I was feeling like crap more and more often.  I had trouble fitting into my clothes.  It became apparent to me that my self image didn't match the pictures I saw.  It was an eye opener that I needed to make a change.  I loved myself enough to take the steps I need to care for my body and become healthier.

I was aware of how much I weighed without ever getting on a scale but it took me months to mentally prepare to take on this lifestyle change.  I had to wait until I was ready to insure that I would succeed.  I have a very strong will and once I put my mind to do something, I do it.  There is a lot of preparation involved with committing to a goal like this.  I told all my friends and family what I planned to do.  I journaled about it.  I prayed about it.  I enlisted the help of a professional.  Who better to ask how to deal with this than a nutritionist?

I did have one last junk food week before I began.  I ate whatever the heck I wanted because I knew my life was about to change.  I began meeting in May with Green Lake Nutrition to begin the metabolic reset and it wasn't until the end of July that I actually began the process.  I have lost 37 pounds so far and I've gone from a size 16 to a size 12 since then.  I've lost inches off my waist, bust and thighs.  I've still got further to go, but I am excited about the progress I have made so far.

One of the items I am permitted to eat on the metabolic reset shopping list is cheese.  I figured I could tackle this lifestyle change because my biggest comfort food ever is allowed.  As long as I had my cheese, I could do this.  The thing is that I wasn't feeling as good as I thought I should considering the overload of veggies I had introduced into my life.  I knew something else had to change.  I discussed this with Grace, my metabolic reset "coach" and she suggested that I drop the cheese.  Not just cut back on the cheese, eliminate it completely.  I may have a dairy sensitivity she told me. . .and to my absolute horror I forced myself give up cheese.  To fully commit to feeling better I had to sacrifice cheese.

Giving up cheese is honestly one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.  It pissed me off and made me bitter.  I almost gave up on the plan because I didn't want to give up my favorite food.  While my body was going through cheese withdraw I just became more and more angry.  How unfair!!!  This is a comfort food that I ate every single day!    I pouted, cursed, and literally bawled my eyes out.  Grace talked me though some tough days.  Once I finally let go, guess what??  I lost five pounds in one week and the inflammation in my belly area dissipated.  I also felt like a thick fog lifted from my head.  Since I gave up dairy, I feel sooooooo much better!  Even THAT pissed me off.  But what can I say, the cheese is the culprit.

I would never have dreamed that I had a sensitivity to dairy products and that it was directly related to to my weight struggles.  Perhaps I was in denial, I can't say that I ever felt awesome after eating an ice cream cone.  It really sucks.  I am not happy about it.  It is true however and now that I know eating dairy causes me to feel horrible, it is much easier to avoid it.  It may not even be ALL dairy products but we haven't gotten that far yet.  I want to get to a comfortable weight for myself before I begin trying different kinds of cheese.  Maybe it is just cow's milk.  In the meantime I eat Daiya when I absolutely need to have the cheese craving fulfilled.

I know that cleansing my body of processed foods allows me to really be in tune with how foods affect my body.  I can pinpoint exactly what is making me feel a certain way because I am eating so clean right now.  I have more sensitivities than I was ever aware of and it is helping me to make better choices.  Gluten is another challenge.  Who wants to give up cheese AND bread?  UGH!  I am getting a clear explanation of why I have been struggling with my weight for so long.  It is all starting to make sense.   Through this metabolic reset process my relationship with food is evolving.  I am more conscious of what I put into my mouth and I realize that I am not punishing myself by choosing to eat veggies instead of pizza.  I am showing myself love and kindness when I make better food choices.  If you give your body the nutrition it craves, it functions the way it should.  Awareness of food sensitivities has given me an unexpected and welcomed sense of freedom!

living on the edge

, a photo by Moonsong1977 on Flickr.

When you realize that you need to make drastic changes to maintain and not thrive, just survive, it can be disheartening. I have the ocean, but it gets harder everyday financially. Need a lift in my spirits and a second job. More changes coming.

seagulls and sea air

The holidays are here, and the holiday blues are upon me.  It is terribly difficult to be away from my family for the holidays.  It is also very difficult to be in a long distance romantic relationship.  The perks of having someone to hold seems like an unattainable dream when he is so far away.  The emotional support is there, but the warmth of his arms are not.  I know it won't always be like this but it is happening now and it is very hard.  I send all my love out to the universe to all the people that I love that I cannot physically be with right now.

 What is the sacrifice worth to be where I want to be?  This short and tiny life spent away from everyone that I love.  To explore and find where I fit in, but do I really fit in here?  This fragile little place and time and space.  How many more times will I have to do certain things?  Like laugh with my mom and hold her hand?  How many more times do I get to go for walks with my dad?  How many more times do I get to smell the autumn wind mixed with campfires and dead leaves in Northeastern Ohio?  When I was there I was restless, and felt like I needed to leave.  Now I am in a place that I adore and miss all the friends and family who are not with me.
It is all so fleeting as the hot salty tears roll onto my lip, I lick them and taste the bittersweetness of it all.
This life is my own, but the desire to share it overwhelms me.  I enjoy my solitude but I don't like feeling isolated.

Being without yet having so much.  This is what I wanted, and I am making it happen every day.
The holidays are a melancholy time for me.  There is an underlying nostalgia for childhood and the excitement I used to feel.  I decorate my little studio apartment only for me, and try to grasp a moment of that feeling once again.  It's not the same, and I feel so far away from home.  I try not to give in to the depression that creeps in, but it may be better to embrace the sadness until it is experienced and let it go, when it is ready.

I went for a walk today to shake off the funky mood that has it's fingers around my throat, and the clutching funk dissipated for a little while.  I think about how I avoid the funk on the weekdays.  I've been keeping myself busy with exercising and healthy eating, and now riding the bus instead of driving to work, the few things that I have control over.
The seagulls and the brisk sea air comforted me today as I observed my surroundings.  They are a poor substitute for the loving family I left in Ohio, or for my sweet Texan beau but they remind me that I am not alone.  There will be a time when I have a job that allows me to go home for the holidays.  There will be a time when I can afford to buy plane tickets and Christmas presents again.  There will be a time when I can relax and not worry about living paycheck to paycheck.



I was listening to this song when I was watching the seagulls flying over my head.

A woman at the beach last week smiled at me in the rain.  She and I were the only brave souls on a dreary rainy day walking on the shore.  She asked me if I was looking for sea-glass and when I told her that I was, she handed me a whole handful of it.  Something amazing always happens at Discovery Park.  Gifts in my hand, sea-glass mixed with sand.  She walked on and left me smiling and thankful.

I've learned a lot recently.  About how money management is a lot like weight management.  We all have to start somewhere and it is going to be painful and getting started is difficult.  It is worth the effort when you see the results.  It takes time and there is no easy answer for quick fix.  There is no magic solution.  Hard work, diligence, determination  willpower.  In order to achieve the goals we set for ourselves there have to be sacrifices made to reach them.  I've given up dairy, alcohol, cigarettes, gluten and sugar.  I've lost twenty five pounds so far and many inches off of my bust, waist and hips.  This did not happen over night.  Learning how to manage money is not going to happen over night either.  I pray for grace.
The desires of my heart take work to reach.  There will be rewards for the hard work, tapping into the richness of life in the universe by way of self respect and self care.  I trust that God has put these desires in my heart for a reason.
There are behaviors and choices I make everyday that I question, but all I can do is be better tomorrow. I must keep trying and power through the tiredness and the pain.  Keep moving.

Abundance I invite into my life, not just having enough, but overflowing.  Joy, financial security, travel, photography, creativity, love, experiences.
There is so much for which I am grateful.  I am grateful for options.  I've found some solid ways to ease the stress of life through exercise, healthy eating, life coaching, visiting the nutritionist, acupuncture, meditation and prayer.
I am brave, I am fearless, I can do anything I want to do.  I will do the things I have set out to do.  I have the strength and endurance to reach my goals.
My goals are to be kind to others, be wise with money and relationships and to listen to my intuition.
There are lots of different paths that lead to the same destination, and sometimes the destination changes because of the paths we choose.  

Mt. Rainier revisited