reconnect

It is good to go home to reconnect.  To the familiar and the cozy.  To the warmth and the friendly.  To the people who've known me the longest.

 To golden fields.

 To brilliant breathtaking sunsets over Ohio farmland.

Visiting the city where my life took a turn, and not feeling anything but gratitude that I had the chance to experience it, once upon a time. . .

Reflecting on the new, and forgiving the old.

Relishing in the crisp autumn, vibrant colors and the chill of October.

Taking a bike ride with my dad along my favorite path in Lisbon.  

Catching a leaf in the sunlight, like stained glass. . .

Remembering where I came from, and how it's led me down my current path.

The National-Terrible Love

I went to see The National last night.  The song that stuck out to me the most was Terrible Love.  The lyrics are so good. . .and fitting to my life. 

Road Trip

I love road trips, especially if I don't have to be behind the wheel.  I wasn't even expecting the trip until a week before it was set to happen.  Being spontaneous brings me joy especially when the road leads to beautiful explorations.   

Over the weekend I went on a road trip to watch a Gary Numan show in Portland with my friends.  I met nice people, ate good food, played with a three month old baby.  I thought we were just going to hang out in Portland the next day but we ended up taking a spur of the moment detour along the Oregon coast.  This has been a dream of mine for a long time.  I finally got to experience it and it was amazing.  It is so dreamy at Cannon Beach.  

While we were driving back up the coast into Washington we stopped off at another park, 

Cape Disappointment.  There was a breathtaking view and North Head Lighthouse.

  I love living in the Pacific Northwest.  I love that the roads that lead to beauty are so close.  I love that there are so many places to explore.  

 Cape Disappointment was anything but disappointing.  Being there makes the other things in life that are disappointing dissolve into the ocean air, at least in that moment.  I went with a heavy heart and left with a sense of peace and feeling of awe.

haunted

stop haunting my dreams
i release all of you
you have to let me go
and live with the choices
and decisions
there is no going back
no reliving the past
there's nothing left there
it's dormant for a reason
it needs to sleep
and it will not thrive
in another season

when you think of me
just smile and wish me well
that's all i want from all of you
if i don't release all of this
i won't ever be free to move on
let go of me
you screwed up
by letting me go
but it's done
i'm not watching any of it play out
anymore like a sad movie.
it's not worth the stomach flips
or the pictures in my head
or the bad dreams
of the times that never were
it wasn't fun when it was happening
and it wouldn't be fun now
i don't enjoy lingering in a swamp
of blah sad boy tears

i deserve better than this
i want joy and genuine tenderness
i don't want pipe dreams
and unrequited fantasies
the faces in my mind
have surely changed with time
and the man that you are
and you are
and you are
have changed
and i don't know you
and you don't know me,
and you don't get to know me now
because you didn't see
the value of me then

it's time to brush this past off of my heart
it casts too long of a shadow
that there is no glimmer of hope
in any of these hauntings
only pain.
i'm releasing you now
go live your life like you've already
been living
and just tuck me away deep
in your mind where I won't
disturb or stir up any dust

i'm the one who is alone
not you
but that 's the choice
keep away unless you're a good good man
and i've yet to find one who will stick
i let you go
i let myself heal from all of it
i thought i had let this go a long time ago
but it is obviously holding on
to my dreams and my heart
maybe you're dreaming of the life
you could have had with me
i see the shit i would have put up with
the lack of trust
the cheating
the lies
we were so young then
but how much do people really change
at the core?
behavior patterns?
was i just a special person on which to cheat?
to take up any more precious space
in my busy busy mind,
i've got things to do and a life to explore,
so go now and haunt me no more.

good people, good life

tunnel vision

tunnel vision, a photo by Moonsong1977 on Flickr.

ghost town of Wellington.

stirring the pot

If you've never tried craniosacral therapy, you should give it a whirl.  I was told that I had one of the worse cases of TMJ (temporomandibular joint or tightness in my jaw) by two different therapists that either of them have ever seen.  After three visits with my naturopath doctor; Dr. Theresa Goldsmith at The Emerald Center for Integrative Medicine,  performing craniosacral massage, the tightness is almost gone.  My doctor said it was not only from the work she's done but the truth I have proclaimed in my life recently.  I carry stress in my jaw from holding my tongue from the truth.

What truth?  

I am bored with my job.

I lack direction in my "career" path.  

I need to find work where I can thrive.  

How many more desk jobs will I have where I burn out in two years and have to move to another position?  I am having trouble moving around in the current company.  Doors are closed to me.  I am flailing like a fish out of water.  I'm a round peg trying to fit into a square hole.  My truth keeps the doors closed.  

Time to find the open doors.

I am beginning to explore the options of moving on in my search for fulfilling work, or at least working toward a goal to make a truth-filled future for myself.  I had a poor review with my current position in customer service.  I have been taking things personally when people speak to me with anger or frustration.  I get defensive.  I am experiencing burn-out.  I don't like the way I feel about my job.  I am trying to approach it with a better attitude.  I am grateful to have a job.  I don't need to give my power away because of some jerk's bad day.  I am better than that.  It is not fulfilling my soul, but in the meantime I must not let it steal my joy. 

I am looking into possibly trying massage therapy, or photography or nutrition, or ???  I would have to beef up on the organic chemistry classes if I wish to follow the path of nutritionist, and that may take me at least four years to get there.  Is that what I really want?  The help is there if I need it, the universe will open up and accept whichever path I choose.  I have dates set up to explore the programs and I am looking forward to seeing what is out there.

I won't listen to anyone trying to tell me what I CAN'T do.  There have been too many times where I let negativity keep me from moving forward or pursing one of my passions.  I can do whatever I put my mind to do.

With focus and ambition and federal student loans, I can go back to school and learn something that I can do that will be more in alignment with who I am.

I am glad that I am able to get away on the weekends to the woods and see beautiful things.  This is the absolute best therapy.   But all the stirring is bringing about another change in the season. . .new choices to make.  Stirring the pot that's been stagnant for a long time feels good.  It is time to take the next step. . .

a sacred place

I am sitting on a picnic table in one of the most magnificent places I've seen.  I'm in a remote spot only reachable by boat on Lake Chalen.  It is early morning, and I am the only one awake.  I have my tent set up away from the others.  In a perfect spot by the lake.

There's raging river beside me coming off of a mountain cascading down into the crystal blue lake.

There are snowcapped mountains with little trees lining the surface like a man's facial stubble in need of a shave.

There's a calm, peace and wondrous presence of God here.  So close to me right now.  Spiritual healing, continuously, working on my soul.  There's  no "arrival" moment, just constant testing, failure, success, confusion and letting go.

Moving forward, moving on.  What's my purpose on this planet?  I've been so blessed to enjoy the richness of beauty all around me.  I take in the brilliance of this secret place that my friends have shared with me because they love me and wanted me to experience it with them.

Here I am, God.  Mold me into who you want me to be.  I want to be a light and not allow anyone to take my light from me.  How do I take the next leap of faith?  Where do I go next?  How do I fit in?  

 This place is so wonderful-I am so honored to be in a sacred spot.  It moves me to tears of joy and it restores my soul.    Thank you God for making such a beautiful planet.  Thank you for making me.  I am so happy to experience each and every moment.  Thank you for making me so sensitive, it allows me to experience life so richly and fully.

I feel EVERYTHING!!!
I am living my dream!

abundance

I had a dream about abundance.  It was quite powerful.

I was imagining things and they appeared in my hands.  It was magical.
One of my friends was standing by in the dream asking how I did it and I just told her that "I believed".
Believing makes things real.  Brings things to pass.  Allows for good things to come.

I also had a dream about a hummingbird guiding me.  I see the spirit of my grandpa being a hummingbird.  He is like a lighthouse in the storms that come into my life.

I feel my energy has changed with this new place.
I have more light.
I have more. . .
De-cluttering once again.  I want to get rid of the things that weigh me down.
I want to incorporate exercise more into my routine.
Explore bike trails, and more hiking destinations.
There's so much to explore and to learn.

I will make it past this plateau with my nutritional journey.  I haven't lost any more weight and held steady at 35 lbs of weight loss.  My goal isn't necessarily to reach an ideal weight but to be a healthier and more energetic me.  I am getting irritated that I have hit the plateau but I am in a better place than I was when I started and I am happy with me.  I can't expect different results without making more changes.  I am hoping to start physical training.  I hit a snag in that process as well, but everything happens for a reason.  I had a bad experience with a gym that I joined.  I am trying to work it out so that I can work out.

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just let go

just let go, a photo by Moonsong1977 on Flickr.

honor my intuition

I can only control myself.
I create my own happiness, only I can be in charge of seeking the joy for my own life.
I choose to be happy, to find peace, to be kind, to love, care, release the creative spirit, to give.
I maintain a calm space for myself.

I am moving at the end of the month to a different apartment and it is another shift for me.  I am leaving Ballard and my little 1930's apartment building.  It feels like it is time to grow and move on, and the timing is good.  I've been in this spot for two years, and I am ready to explore more of Seattle.  I am moving to a quiet neighborhood where I will have a garden and a patio.
Moving is stressful, but I am trying to calm my urge to freak out or shut down.  Acupuncture, meditation, massage, my sweet kitty and lots of music are helping with this transition.
I will try to honor the voice inside of me that tells me when it is time to relax or to stop and find quiet.
When there is too much stimulation around me, it tires me, exhausts me and it's time to retreat.
I am grateful for the opportunity to learn so much about myself and the chance to honor my intuition.

Inspiration for the day

To Heal

I moved to Seattle to heal and that is what I am doing.  

Slowly, gradually

The Puget Sound

is my refuge

the waves my meditation

the battering wind

the dryer of my tears

how many cups of tea

journal entries 

and windblown days

does it take to heal?

that is yet to be determined.

the hurt of the past

can reach for many miles

I can't go any further away from my past

without falling into the Pacific Ocean.

I have been experiencing 

"retracing" due to upper cervical chiropractic care

and it does some funky things to the mind and body

It is a healing process and it basically releases

past traumas and the 

mind body and soul 

relives the experience.

When the resurfacing occurs 

it makes me feel anxiety and

stress

that I thought had vanished.

I worked through a lot

of my kid fears

and went through the painful

realization that I was with a man

who was not good for me

when l lived in Pittsburgh and

went through therapy.

I worked myself into courage

to get out

and I soared out of the depressed sadness

into a new life I created for myself,

but I didn't get to just settle somewhere 

and live happily ever-after.

there are sacrifices 

heartaches

reality checks

Living in Seattle is expensive

and it hasn't been easy to live here

the way I have been on my own

with my meager income.

I haven't made it this far to give up

so I have to make some changes to 

my lifestyle to make this work.

I will be moving twenty more minutes 

away from the Puget Sound but 

I can handle that.

I think my biggest fear has been

taking this chance and failing.

I want to make this work

I have been now for two years

and it has been a challenge.

I miss the support of my friends and family

but they are with me always

no matter how far away.

I have met new people

but I want to meet more kindred

spirits.

I have made friends far away

in Philadelphia and Dallas.

I have good connections here

through my healing.

It takes a while to settle into a place

I started to feel the urge to try someplace new

but my finances keep me here for now.

I can get out of the financial hole

and make better choices.

Life is different from what I thought it would be

growing up 

a family

a home 

a career

I don't have any of those things

but I have the sea

and my freedom

it's the best thing for me

the salt water

the waves, 

the air

the sand.

It has been healing

and the layers of false protection

are chiseled away

being healthy in 

body

utilizing methods of healing

acupuncture, massage, meditation,

I spend a lot of time by myself

It feels liberating to drop the weight

that I've been carrying around

I still have further to go

but I am happy with where I am now

I have an occasional glass of wine

or indulge in goat cheese

but I basically stick with the veggie and protein lifestyle

I have been reading the Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron and it

is helping me understand a lot about myself.

All the guilt I've felt about not constantly being on the go, for example.

It is OK to take a day of rest.  I am allowed to do as much or as little as I wish.

Overstimulation exhausts me and to recharge I have to be alone and quiet.

Sometimes I just need quiet

chill and relaxing peace.

how badly do I want something?

to write. . .I AM writing.

To take photographs. . .I do that as well.

I am doing what I love,

It is just not in the bulk of my time that I spend doing that which I love.

I perhaps need to change my perspective.

I spend my time at my job helping people,

and that is something that I am passionate about.

I am maybe not doing it the way I want right now

but I am helping people. 

It's funny how light from the sun

reflecting on the water

can make it look so much bluer and vibrant.

The grey day can make the water look murky and dull.

It's a huge difference to view life

with light or through sadness and darkness.

We don't get to have sunshine everyday

but when it comes it is glorious.

It's the same water no matter what eyes we use to look upon it.