thaw out

the snow is melting
reminding me that there is
green underneath the cold
it reminds me that there is
hope for the spring to come
to keep the faith
not to lose sight of what
my heart is telling me
not to lose the drive
to create and to keep
taking the baby steps
and keep my eyes on the
horizon.
my heart wants to soar.

a place for. . .

in this world there is a place for dreamers
a place for the one who inspires
a place for the encourager
and my spirit is strong
and cannot be broken
by those who doubt-
themselves
and try to force their
negativity and uncertainty
down my throat.
my life need not be filled
with anxiety and worry
it always works out
whether I panic or not,
it all falls into place
whether I force it or not.
I can only control so much
and mostly just my thoughts.
material possessions, money,
a house, two kids, a dog, a cat,
a white picket fence,
PTO, and volunteer on Sundays after
church
"when will you settle down and marry?
when will you plan for your future?
when will you stop being a dreamer
of big dreams?"
If success is equal to the right job
or the right spouse
or being rich
and living in the right house
or being perfect then
I am not a success.
I am OK with that.
I accept that I make mistakes
I do not always do or say the right
thing.
I don't know how to respond
sometimes.
I freeze up and get angry inside
and sometimes I take
my anger out on the wrong person.
Sometimes I hold it all inside and
it burns a hole in me and fire
shoots out of my eyes and spews from my mouth.
Sometimes I don't know which
way to go or how to get to the
next step in my life.
Sometimes I feel completely lost
and without clue,
sometimes I am frozen in fear
because I don't want to screw up
and put my hope in someone
who can hurt me.
I feel sad sometimes.  Sometimes
I feel confident and brave.
I pray for people that I love and for people
that I used to love. 
I pray blessings for people who hate me.
I don't know how to be someone
I am not.
I don't pretend.
I will continue to be the perpetually hopeful.

My spirit cannot be broken.  This dreamer is also a doer. 

love

I send out love to the universe. 

quiet

In the quietness the dust settles.  I observe my surroundings with wonder and gratitude. 

As the autumn wind blows away the old leaves, I desire total purification and reconnection with my body.

I start a 21 day cleanse on Monday.  I drink smoothies, eat veggies, lentils and brown rice to cleanse. 

I look forward to the release of all the toxins my body currently retains.

find it.

 Find the love in every situation to extinguish hate.  An unfanned fire slowly dies.

listen to my heart

Listen to my soul.  God gave me the desires.

Leave nothing in my wake except for love. If I give with my whole heart it will lead me in the right direction.  Light leads to light. Grace and mercy are my constant prayer. 

I have so many questions and directions I could go.  Not sure where I will go.  I leave a wake of love; what bad can come of that? I do the best I can.  Listen and wait.  The possibilities are endless.  I am in a state of searching.  I am in a state of peace. 

I will not force the next step.  I am not going to push too hard.  I am being brave.  I am doing.  Living.  Going. Seeing.  Traveling.  Touching.  Tasting.  Creating.  Healing.  Being.

This life is wonderful gift.

absorbing

As I absorb the beauty of nature around me, I feel the pressure lifted. 

I live this day with a fresh spirit.  I rekindle and stir up the essence of being ME.

I embrace myself like a long lost friend, and allow the sun's warmth to recharge my soul.

I know this path is filled with light.  Truth guides the way.

I look ahead and take one step at a time.

where do I go from here?

I know that God wants me to take care of myself. 
Time of solitude is a trying time. 
What do I do with my time? 
Do I replay the past over and over in my mind and torture myself with "what if" thoughts and "should have", "would have", "could have"?

It does not lead to positive energy creation.

This does:
read encouraging and uplifting books
listen to soul enhancing music
meditation and prayer
cry if I need to cry, determine what brought on the tears and work through it.
go for a walk
drink lots of tea
coconut milk mango and key lime pie candles
sit on the porch in the late summer sunshine
journal
cuddle with doggies
watch stupid movies
learn to love myself
appreciate what I do have and accept the blessings.

Don't forget to look up. . .

I am

Creative

Caring

Funny

Intelligent

Brave

Spiritual

Open

Honest

Free-spirited

Loved

keep moving forward

time to fly

Feeling strong, feeling free.
Time to be who I want to be.
Loving life.
I watch the world go by my window
and each moment the love and joy
grows.
I am reminded of the sweetness of God.
I am really doing this!
This is what I adore-travel, nature, cities, new places!
A beautiful day;  today I want my soundtrack to be
lovely music.  I don't need to know the words,
I am writing my own.
I am trusting this love will last
and the memories I am making on my solo
travels will dissolve any feelings that arise after
this time has ended.  I still have more inside of me.
The passion and the desire to explore and experience
is alive in me.  I can do anything on my own.
I can go at my own pace.
This is freedom.

I want in my life

good coffee

healthiness
trust
photography

travel
understanding
learning
giving
caring
seeing
doing
smiling

peace
joy
patience
nature

experiencing life
farmer markets
concerts
cuddly pets
thunderstorms
garden fountains
good food

friendship
giving gifts
children
comfy cozy home
fresh herbs
flowers

books
sunshine
ocean breezes
truthfulness
sincerity
poetry
creativity
prayer
to be centered
forgiveness

Know what you want

First I determine what I do NOT want:
repetition without meaning
coldness
boredom
co-dependence
secrets
confusion
mediocrity
constant disappointment
depression
small mindedness
rejection
false protection
mindless distractions
to be a crutch
mistrust
mistreatment
excuses
panic attacks
frayed nerves

Why do we hold back?  What is the use of being fearful?  What made me think that I didn't deserve happiness and joy?  Why live a life that doesn't make sense?

This moment of time is a brand new chance to experience.  A clean slate, a life altering earth shattering newness is my current state of being.  I am uprooted from my whole life.  My job, my home, my long term boyfriend, my pet--POOF, GONE.  Relationships come and go and break-ups happen in all of our lives.  Becoming entwined with other human beings, on whatever level we allow the fusion to occur, opens us up to the chance to be nurtured, or hurt.   Letting the hurt out and dodging depression when a relationship ends is a lot to process.  The investment of energy, effort, and TIME is something that needs sorted out and sifted through.  The hurt will subside in time.  Try to look at the memories and smile.  Extracting someone or something so familiar from your life is painful.  Like having a tooth pulled (or several at the same time).  That void needs to be filled.  The empty space; what do you fill it with?  I chose to avoid filling that void with anything that doesn't bring positive growth to my life.  I choose to fill that space with love.

I grieve

I climb to the top of the mountains with a heavy heart and all the emotions pour out in layers.  The tears flow for love lost.  For holding on to the sadness for so long.  For babies who are mistreated or not hugged enough.  For the souls left without nurturing.  For all the times I allowed others to hurt me.  For welcoming in self defeat, and putting myself in harm's way.  If I had not gone through it, I wouldn't have embraced the understanding.  I let go of a dream and soar to new dreams filled with hope.  I hold onto the realness of this journey.  All around me are opportunities to show love.  What can I do to make the experience of life better everyday?
I grieve and leave it all on that mountain top.  I don't need it anymore.  I am free.  Maybe the dreams that haunt me will also leave once I can fully accept and let go.  I grieve so that I won't carry this sorrow any longer on my life's journey.  The burden of sadness is too great, and it drags me down, hinders my spirit.  I know the only healthy way to cope is to embrace the hurt, hold it tightly until I have worked it out of my system, and gently release it for good.
I grieve.

I crave. . .

genuine love
true friendships
connections with other people
understanding and compassion
health
adventure
opportunity
sunshine
ocean waves
healing
body shaking, eye-watering laughter
security
freedom
bliss
closer walk with God
courage

I release. . .

disappointment
the hurt inside my heart
fear
brokenness
the feeling of being taken advantage of
unforgiveness
empty promises
my ignorance
the inability to see things right in front of my face
horrible feeling of confusion
darkness
panic
nervousness
hateful ugliness
negativity
the feeling of betrayal

When does this pain go away?  It burns through my core.  

God, why do I have to be such a sensitive soul?  I can hardly bear it sometimes.  How else can I learn but by experiencing all of it?
When there is joy in my heart there is no longer room to rewind and replay the images of the past.  Releasing this negativity frees up space for new experiences and opportunities to love. 

I release a gut-forced blow-out of a cry pouring from my eyes onto my typing fingers. 

I release the worry about having solutions to every problem.

I pray instead.

  

I want to. . .

*better myself all the time

*face challenges head on (with my head on straight)

*write poetry, novels, articles, blogs

*help people

*give as much as I can*live with passion and purpose


*find my home

*travel and experience different cultures

*know myself

*maintain the peace I feel right now

*discover the artist within

*meditate, pray and accept the gifts God has given me

*accept and let go

*feel joy

In this moment

I wait for God's voice.  I do not have a plan, do not have a clear vision of what I should do.  I have a clear indication of what could be. . .lots of options.  The future is wide open, but now I need to heal.  Explore, be cautious.  Ask lots of questions.  Know myself.  Know what will bring me joy.  Know how to be patient.  Calm.  Have no fear.  What happens next is a mystery but it is exciting.  I can go anywhere.  There is nothing holding me back.  I can use the gifts I have to make a life for myself.

I want to travel to Morocco, France, Ireland, Scotland, New Zealand, Australia, Thailand, South Africa.

I want to live my life.

I have a blank journal-a fresh start.  The future is wide open.  I want to apply for something amazing and just go for it!  I want to say YES to change, to thriving, to touching, tasting, feeling.  To crying, to laughter, to feeling the deep pain and letting it go.  I push the pain out into the universe and watch it dissolve.

wandering

Not sure where I fit in, wandering for now.