I want in my life

good coffee

healthiness
trust
photography

travel
understanding
learning
giving
caring
seeing
doing
smiling

peace
joy
patience
nature

experiencing life
farmer markets
concerts
cuddly pets
thunderstorms
garden fountains
good food

friendship
giving gifts
children
comfy cozy home
fresh herbs
flowers

books
sunshine
ocean breezes
truthfulness
sincerity
poetry
creativity
prayer
to be centered
forgiveness

Know what you want

First I determine what I do NOT want:
repetition without meaning
coldness
boredom
co-dependence
secrets
confusion
mediocrity
constant disappointment
depression
small mindedness
rejection
false protection
mindless distractions
to be a crutch
mistrust
mistreatment
excuses
panic attacks
frayed nerves

Why do we hold back?  What is the use of being fearful?  What made me think that I didn't deserve happiness and joy?  Why live a life that doesn't make sense?

This moment of time is a brand new chance to experience.  A clean slate, a life altering earth shattering newness is my current state of being.  I am uprooted from my whole life.  My job, my home, my long term boyfriend, my pet--POOF, GONE.  Relationships come and go and break-ups happen in all of our lives.  Becoming entwined with other human beings, on whatever level we allow the fusion to occur, opens us up to the chance to be nurtured, or hurt.   Letting the hurt out and dodging depression when a relationship ends is a lot to process.  The investment of energy, effort, and TIME is something that needs sorted out and sifted through.  The hurt will subside in time.  Try to look at the memories and smile.  Extracting someone or something so familiar from your life is painful.  Like having a tooth pulled (or several at the same time).  That void needs to be filled.  The empty space; what do you fill it with?  I chose to avoid filling that void with anything that doesn't bring positive growth to my life.  I choose to fill that space with love.

I grieve

I climb to the top of the mountains with a heavy heart and all the emotions pour out in layers.  The tears flow for love lost.  For holding on to the sadness for so long.  For babies who are mistreated or not hugged enough.  For the souls left without nurturing.  For all the times I allowed others to hurt me.  For welcoming in self defeat, and putting myself in harm's way.  If I had not gone through it, I wouldn't have embraced the understanding.  I let go of a dream and soar to new dreams filled with hope.  I hold onto the realness of this journey.  All around me are opportunities to show love.  What can I do to make the experience of life better everyday?
I grieve and leave it all on that mountain top.  I don't need it anymore.  I am free.  Maybe the dreams that haunt me will also leave once I can fully accept and let go.  I grieve so that I won't carry this sorrow any longer on my life's journey.  The burden of sadness is too great, and it drags me down, hinders my spirit.  I know the only healthy way to cope is to embrace the hurt, hold it tightly until I have worked it out of my system, and gently release it for good.
I grieve.

I crave. . .

genuine love
true friendships
connections with other people
understanding and compassion
health
adventure
opportunity
sunshine
ocean waves
healing
body shaking, eye-watering laughter
security
freedom
bliss
closer walk with God
courage

I release. . .

disappointment
the hurt inside my heart
fear
brokenness
the feeling of being taken advantage of
unforgiveness
empty promises
my ignorance
the inability to see things right in front of my face
horrible feeling of confusion
darkness
panic
nervousness
hateful ugliness
negativity
the feeling of betrayal

When does this pain go away?  It burns through my core.  

God, why do I have to be such a sensitive soul?  I can hardly bear it sometimes.  How else can I learn but by experiencing all of it?
When there is joy in my heart there is no longer room to rewind and replay the images of the past.  Releasing this negativity frees up space for new experiences and opportunities to love. 

I release a gut-forced blow-out of a cry pouring from my eyes onto my typing fingers. 

I release the worry about having solutions to every problem.

I pray instead.

  

I want to. . .

*better myself all the time

*face challenges head on (with my head on straight)

*write poetry, novels, articles, blogs

*help people

*give as much as I can*live with passion and purpose


*find my home

*travel and experience different cultures

*know myself

*maintain the peace I feel right now

*discover the artist within

*meditate, pray and accept the gifts God has given me

*accept and let go

*feel joy

In this moment

I wait for God's voice.  I do not have a plan, do not have a clear vision of what I should do.  I have a clear indication of what could be. . .lots of options.  The future is wide open, but now I need to heal.  Explore, be cautious.  Ask lots of questions.  Know myself.  Know what will bring me joy.  Know how to be patient.  Calm.  Have no fear.  What happens next is a mystery but it is exciting.  I can go anywhere.  There is nothing holding me back.  I can use the gifts I have to make a life for myself.

I want to travel to Morocco, France, Ireland, Scotland, New Zealand, Australia, Thailand, South Africa.

I want to live my life.

I have a blank journal-a fresh start.  The future is wide open.  I want to apply for something amazing and just go for it!  I want to say YES to change, to thriving, to touching, tasting, feeling.  To crying, to laughter, to feeling the deep pain and letting it go.  I push the pain out into the universe and watch it dissolve.

wandering

Not sure where I fit in, wandering for now.

No such thing

There is no such thing as a seamless transition.  Life feels surreal for a while when huge changes happen.  The darkness subsides and there is more than just a light at the end of the tunnel.  There is everlasting sunshine and warmth.  Glance back and know that it is all for education of a soft soul.  Teaching this soul to be cautious, to learn how to respect myself.  Anything or anyone who attempts to extinguish your soul's shine does not deserve to be in your life.  If you think that is what you deserve, then you haven't learned the lesson that God is trying to teach you.  No regrets, it is all worth the time, energy, tears and the full range of emotions, to learn how to love yourself.  Don't give away your power and allow someone else to make you feel small.  If you LET someone else make you feel that way, it is YOU that has to CHANGE.  No one can make you do or feel anything.  Have confidence in yourself and faith that God is a kind God, and you won't let your path get this far off course again.  Once the lesson is learned, God makes a way when there doesn't seem to be a way to set you back on course to a loving life of true comfort.  A life filled with joy.  Have faith in yourself, let the people who love you LOVE you, and let the darkness go. . .

Heal stronger, love.

Hello, Change.

Dear Michelle,

You are FREE to do ANYTHING you want to do.  Make choices that will allow your soul to shine!  Make choices that will bring out the best in you.  Do not live with regrets because these past four years have been crucial to the growing and learning process.  No need to be bitter or anxious over the future.  Today is the only day that you have.  Enjoy this day.  You don't have to worry about anything.  There are only things you do and you do not do.  Worry and anxiety do not help the next step happen.  Life does not have to be difficult, it is only as hard as you make it. 

Thanks,
Inevitable Change.

I want to help people.  I want to encourage and make a difference in the world.  I want to motivate people to live their best lives possible.  I want to give people the courage to have hope and strive to be better.  There is a lot of things in this world that are beautiful and good.  I believe in miracles, I believe in love.
I believe I am enough.  I want to surround myself with people who want to laugh and enjoy life.  I want to be joyful and strong.  I want to be at peace.  I want to live by the ocean.

I have cried so much and I have been very sad since I moved to Pittsburgh.  There were some good times but it has been pretty lame too.  Going through the motions is not living.  Being miserable is not acceptable.  Learning how to NOT repeat mistakes is invaluable.  GOD I DON'T WANT TO MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES AGAIN!  I learned I promise.  People put up red flags for a reason, if there are warning signs HEED them!!! Don't go beyond, STOP HERE! There is no need to crack a shell that does not wish to be cracked no matter how shiny the shell, there is no guarantee there will be a pearl.  Also, do not put your pearl out on display for any old Joe Schmoe.  It is priceless, you make him earn it!  Keep the hinges of your shell's hinges lubed but watch who you let snatch your prize.  

Putting all these pieces together is helping me see the big picture.  I have to let go and step away and let the rest happen.  When your life starts sounding like the lyrics to a country song, that is how you know that change is coming whether you like it or not!!!

Oh, and fairy tales are called fairy tales for a reason--THEY ARE NOT BASED IN REALITY.

Chelle Seeking

After things fall apart and you are left picking up the pieces it is hard to determine which pieces are yours and which are someone else's.  (Taking this personality test reminded me who I am.)  Some of the pieces are infused together and those are building blocks of experience that you take with you.  Kiss them gently, attach love to them, cleanse with tears and place gently in your growing garden of knowledge.

The weeds clutter your garden so you have to be a constant gardener.  Uproot the sadness, the loneliness, the frustration, the pain.  When weeds overwhelm and you need help to get your garden back in shape, don't be afraid to ask for help. You are loved!

Let the tears be the fountains in your garden. Allow memories to be the statues. Chizel the goodness. Cultivate the beauty of why you fell in love in the first place.

I mix my salty tears with ocean waves.

I unlock doors that I didn't know exist.

Hugs and laughter mend the brokeness.  I give myself permission to feel all of the feelings I need to feel to allow myself to heal.  I feel the intense sadness.  I embrace the fear of the unknown future. 

I am determined to free myself from the destructive patterns of my past. 

I mourn the loss of my fairytale romance.

 

I accept myself and all the aspects of what makes me who I am.

Our personalities are ingrained into every fiber of our beings.  When I understand I feel TRUE comfort.  I do not have to rely on false comforts any longer.  The void is instead filled with compassion and love. 

I can feel love grow inside of me and it is exciting. 

One day at a time.

Believe in miracles!

Aren't we all trying to find our place in this world, attempting to figure out where we fit in?



No matter what, you are the same person anywhere you go.  You can dance around the issues inside your head your whole life and never feel like you know who you are.  You can escape to a fantasy world; you can role play; you can go through the motions; you can force a smile when you feel empty inside.  Change must come from within.  Imagine how exciting it is to feel the smile on the inside!!

If you are miserable, figure out what is causing the imbalance and love yourself enough to find your own answers.  The personality that is woven into the fiber of your being is not something you caused or something you can beat yourself up about.  You do have a choice as an adult to let go of your childhood fears and insecurities that keep you from being who you want to be.  Find the courage to face your deepest fears. Prove to yourself that you are strong enough to battle the demons that hold you back! 

Peace comes with understanding. 

Find your own happiness!  Feel the joy that comes in knowing yourself.  When the confusion subsides, clarity soothes and the need for false comfort disappears.

Find your inner light and let it guide you. . .do not despair, there is ALWAYS HOPE! 

Believe in miracles!

 

truth

"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.
-- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross"

Fairytale Ending

I wrote this four years ago and sadly it fits today. 
My spirit is in need of cleansing.  Though I am harmed I am not broken.  I am stronger and wiser.
I won't give up on love, I will just be cautious about whom I share my love with. . .  someone who is ready to be open and honest, and willing to risk being hurt.
Negative thoughts fester over time, and become ugly like a stagnant pond, all that was living dies.  Committing to someone shouldn't feel like a life sentence, and if it does then get out! 
If you plant a seed and store it in a dark cold room, you can't expect it to thrive.  I hoped there was a shaft of light that would break through, and reach the seed.  It was weak and withered relying on a single shaft of light to save the day.  I will not settle for a shaft of light ever again. 
For a seed to thrive into something sturdy and strong, it needs nurtured, and lots of sunlight, warmth and love.  I have many years worth of manure to fertilize, and now I need lots of sunshine!

Fairytale Ending
there once was a girl who met a boy

and she had been under an evil spell

she was a woman scorned

bruised from the past

the boy offered her his coat but not his heart

but she had mistaken his kindness for love

she started to fall

for the ideals that love entails

and her tunnel vision blinded her

the boy kissed her sweetly

and the spell melted away

she didn't mind the mirror

and saw herself in a different way

the boy held her close, he held her tight

and she tried to make the puzzle pieces fit with all of her might

no future to offer, no promises made

her thoughts ran wild and to her

fantasy world she became a slave

she unlocked the truth and settled the score

she's not a caged bird that will come back for more

good bye sweet prince of darkness

good luck with your reign

the girl closed the door, and left with her pain.

dwell in hope

I peek at the future with my passionate heart.

I release myself from perfectionism.

I am on a path of discovery and forgiveness. A path of honesty.

I accept myself.

I am open to receive the gifts life offers.

I wrap myself in blanket of understanding and dwell in a field of hope.

  I have peace in my heart.

Even in times of solitude I know I am not alone.

My inner voice whispers to be gentle and kind. . .

and I try.

strange

strange

thought i knew you well

thought i had read the sky

thought i had read a change

in your eyes 

so strange

woke up to a world

that i am not a part

except when i can play

it's stranger

after all what were you really looking for

and i wonder when will i learn

blue isn't red everybody knows this

and i wonder when will i learn

when will i learn

guess i was in

deeper than i thought i was

if i have enough love

for the both of us

"just stay"

you said "we'll build a nest"

so i left my life

tried on your friends

tried on your opinions.

so when the bridges froze

and you did not come home

i put our snowflake

under a microscope

after all what was i really looking for

and i wonder when will i learn

maybe my wish knew better than i did

and i wonder so strange now

i'm finally in

the party has begun

it's not like i can't feel you still

but strange what i will leave behind

you call me one more time

but now i must be leaving
-Tori Amos

Sip tea with nice scenery. . .

Come hang out with me in the parental backyard.  It is alive with birds and color. 

It was a very nice place to grow up.

Courage

Know your own heart
and trust it.

Be fair and honest.

Be gentle and loving.

Be considerate.

Be brave.

Be persistent.

Be accepting.

Be forgiving.

Be generous.

Be courageous.

Be willing to go outside of your comfort zone.

Understand where you are right now.

reverse the negative

Allow my creative energy to flow as never before so that I can write a novel and have it published while I am in my 30's.  Allow my confidence and passion to radiate so that I can be healthy like never before with renewed energy to take care of myself.  Allow me to remove stress from my life and learn to remain calm and at peace regardless of the chaos that occurs around me.

Sometimes I have a hard time saying the words I want to say and they come out wrong.  When I speak the words are sarcastic and cynical, when I don't mean them to be.  I have been holding my tongue so long that my jaw hurts and the words tumble out like sharp knives. 

Today.  This moment.  Right now.  This is it.  No worries.  No regrets.  No panic.  Just relax.  When things change, I embrace the change.  I do not fret about the future.  I do not worry about the things out of my control.  I do not expect the worst.  I look forward to the next day.  I look forward to communication.  I talk and I listen with an open mind and heart.  I dream tonight, drift to sleep with good thoughts.  Good things will come.  I ask questions.  I do not pretend.  I do not hide myself.  I am OK no matter what happens.  I do not accept fear as my guide.  I accept those I care about where they are right now.  I hope for understanding.  I believe in love.  I experience miracles. 

I am honest and truthful; I just want to be me.

Fool enough to almost be it

Cool enough to not quite see it

Doomed

Pick your pockets full of sorrow

And run away with me tomorrow

June

We'll try and ease the pain

But somehow we'll feel the same

Well, no one knows

Where our secrets go

I send a heart to all my dearies

When your life is so, so dreary

Dream

I'm rumored to the straight and narrow

While the harlots of my perils

Scream

And I fail

But when I can, I will

Try to understand

That when I can, I will

Mother weep the years I'm missing

All our time can't be given

Back

Shut my mouth and strike the demons

That cursed you and your reasons

Out of hand and out of season

Out of love and out of feeling

So bad

When I can, I will

Words defy the plan

When I can, I will

Fool enough to almost be it

And cool enough to not quite see it

And old enough to always feel this

Always old, I'll always feel this

No more promise no more sorrow

No longer will I follow

Can anybody hear me

I just want to be me

When I can, I will

Try to understand

That when I can, I will

 

-Smashing Pumpkins