quiet

In the quietness the dust settles.  I observe my surroundings with wonder and gratitude. 

As the autumn wind blows away the old leaves, I desire total purification and reconnection with my body.

I start a 21 day cleanse on Monday.  I drink smoothies, eat veggies, lentils and brown rice to cleanse. 

I look forward to the release of all the toxins my body currently retains.

find it.

 Find the love in every situation to extinguish hate.  An unfanned fire slowly dies.

listen to my heart

Listen to my soul.  God gave me the desires.

Leave nothing in my wake except for love. If I give with my whole heart it will lead me in the right direction.  Light leads to light. Grace and mercy are my constant prayer. 

I have so many questions and directions I could go.  Not sure where I will go.  I leave a wake of love; what bad can come of that? I do the best I can.  Listen and wait.  The possibilities are endless.  I am in a state of searching.  I am in a state of peace. 

I will not force the next step.  I am not going to push too hard.  I am being brave.  I am doing.  Living.  Going. Seeing.  Traveling.  Touching.  Tasting.  Creating.  Healing.  Being.

This life is wonderful gift.

absorbing

As I absorb the beauty of nature around me, I feel the pressure lifted. 

I live this day with a fresh spirit.  I rekindle and stir up the essence of being ME.

I embrace myself like a long lost friend, and allow the sun's warmth to recharge my soul.

I know this path is filled with light.  Truth guides the way.

I look ahead and take one step at a time.

where do I go from here?

I know that God wants me to take care of myself. 
Time of solitude is a trying time. 
What do I do with my time? 
Do I replay the past over and over in my mind and torture myself with "what if" thoughts and "should have", "would have", "could have"?

It does not lead to positive energy creation.

This does:
read encouraging and uplifting books
listen to soul enhancing music
meditation and prayer
cry if I need to cry, determine what brought on the tears and work through it.
go for a walk
drink lots of tea
coconut milk mango and key lime pie candles
sit on the porch in the late summer sunshine
journal
cuddle with doggies
watch stupid movies
learn to love myself
appreciate what I do have and accept the blessings.

Don't forget to look up. . .

I am

Creative

Caring

Funny

Intelligent

Brave

Spiritual

Open

Honest

Free-spirited

Loved

keep moving forward

time to fly

Feeling strong, feeling free.
Time to be who I want to be.
Loving life.
I watch the world go by my window
and each moment the love and joy
grows.
I am reminded of the sweetness of God.
I am really doing this!
This is what I adore-travel, nature, cities, new places!
A beautiful day;  today I want my soundtrack to be
lovely music.  I don't need to know the words,
I am writing my own.
I am trusting this love will last
and the memories I am making on my solo
travels will dissolve any feelings that arise after
this time has ended.  I still have more inside of me.
The passion and the desire to explore and experience
is alive in me.  I can do anything on my own.
I can go at my own pace.
This is freedom.

I want in my life

good coffee

healthiness
trust
photography

travel
understanding
learning
giving
caring
seeing
doing
smiling

peace
joy
patience
nature

experiencing life
farmer markets
concerts
cuddly pets
thunderstorms
garden fountains
good food

friendship
giving gifts
children
comfy cozy home
fresh herbs
flowers

books
sunshine
ocean breezes
truthfulness
sincerity
poetry
creativity
prayer
to be centered
forgiveness

Know what you want

First I determine what I do NOT want:
repetition without meaning
coldness
boredom
co-dependence
secrets
confusion
mediocrity
constant disappointment
depression
small mindedness
rejection
false protection
mindless distractions
to be a crutch
mistrust
mistreatment
excuses
panic attacks
frayed nerves

Why do we hold back?  What is the use of being fearful?  What made me think that I didn't deserve happiness and joy?  Why live a life that doesn't make sense?

This moment of time is a brand new chance to experience.  A clean slate, a life altering earth shattering newness is my current state of being.  I am uprooted from my whole life.  My job, my home, my long term boyfriend, my pet--POOF, GONE.  Relationships come and go and break-ups happen in all of our lives.  Becoming entwined with other human beings, on whatever level we allow the fusion to occur, opens us up to the chance to be nurtured, or hurt.   Letting the hurt out and dodging depression when a relationship ends is a lot to process.  The investment of energy, effort, and TIME is something that needs sorted out and sifted through.  The hurt will subside in time.  Try to look at the memories and smile.  Extracting someone or something so familiar from your life is painful.  Like having a tooth pulled (or several at the same time).  That void needs to be filled.  The empty space; what do you fill it with?  I chose to avoid filling that void with anything that doesn't bring positive growth to my life.  I choose to fill that space with love.

I grieve

I climb to the top of the mountains with a heavy heart and all the emotions pour out in layers.  The tears flow for love lost.  For holding on to the sadness for so long.  For babies who are mistreated or not hugged enough.  For the souls left without nurturing.  For all the times I allowed others to hurt me.  For welcoming in self defeat, and putting myself in harm's way.  If I had not gone through it, I wouldn't have embraced the understanding.  I let go of a dream and soar to new dreams filled with hope.  I hold onto the realness of this journey.  All around me are opportunities to show love.  What can I do to make the experience of life better everyday?
I grieve and leave it all on that mountain top.  I don't need it anymore.  I am free.  Maybe the dreams that haunt me will also leave once I can fully accept and let go.  I grieve so that I won't carry this sorrow any longer on my life's journey.  The burden of sadness is too great, and it drags me down, hinders my spirit.  I know the only healthy way to cope is to embrace the hurt, hold it tightly until I have worked it out of my system, and gently release it for good.
I grieve.

I crave. . .

genuine love
true friendships
connections with other people
understanding and compassion
health
adventure
opportunity
sunshine
ocean waves
healing
body shaking, eye-watering laughter
security
freedom
bliss
closer walk with God
courage

I release. . .

disappointment
the hurt inside my heart
fear
brokenness
the feeling of being taken advantage of
unforgiveness
empty promises
my ignorance
the inability to see things right in front of my face
horrible feeling of confusion
darkness
panic
nervousness
hateful ugliness
negativity
the feeling of betrayal

When does this pain go away?  It burns through my core.  

God, why do I have to be such a sensitive soul?  I can hardly bear it sometimes.  How else can I learn but by experiencing all of it?
When there is joy in my heart there is no longer room to rewind and replay the images of the past.  Releasing this negativity frees up space for new experiences and opportunities to love. 

I release a gut-forced blow-out of a cry pouring from my eyes onto my typing fingers. 

I release the worry about having solutions to every problem.

I pray instead.

  

I want to. . .

*better myself all the time

*face challenges head on (with my head on straight)

*write poetry, novels, articles, blogs

*help people

*give as much as I can*live with passion and purpose


*find my home

*travel and experience different cultures

*know myself

*maintain the peace I feel right now

*discover the artist within

*meditate, pray and accept the gifts God has given me

*accept and let go

*feel joy

In this moment

I wait for God's voice.  I do not have a plan, do not have a clear vision of what I should do.  I have a clear indication of what could be. . .lots of options.  The future is wide open, but now I need to heal.  Explore, be cautious.  Ask lots of questions.  Know myself.  Know what will bring me joy.  Know how to be patient.  Calm.  Have no fear.  What happens next is a mystery but it is exciting.  I can go anywhere.  There is nothing holding me back.  I can use the gifts I have to make a life for myself.

I want to travel to Morocco, France, Ireland, Scotland, New Zealand, Australia, Thailand, South Africa.

I want to live my life.

I have a blank journal-a fresh start.  The future is wide open.  I want to apply for something amazing and just go for it!  I want to say YES to change, to thriving, to touching, tasting, feeling.  To crying, to laughter, to feeling the deep pain and letting it go.  I push the pain out into the universe and watch it dissolve.

wandering

Not sure where I fit in, wandering for now.

No such thing

There is no such thing as a seamless transition.  Life feels surreal for a while when huge changes happen.  The darkness subsides and there is more than just a light at the end of the tunnel.  There is everlasting sunshine and warmth.  Glance back and know that it is all for education of a soft soul.  Teaching this soul to be cautious, to learn how to respect myself.  Anything or anyone who attempts to extinguish your soul's shine does not deserve to be in your life.  If you think that is what you deserve, then you haven't learned the lesson that God is trying to teach you.  No regrets, it is all worth the time, energy, tears and the full range of emotions, to learn how to love yourself.  Don't give away your power and allow someone else to make you feel small.  If you LET someone else make you feel that way, it is YOU that has to CHANGE.  No one can make you do or feel anything.  Have confidence in yourself and faith that God is a kind God, and you won't let your path get this far off course again.  Once the lesson is learned, God makes a way when there doesn't seem to be a way to set you back on course to a loving life of true comfort.  A life filled with joy.  Have faith in yourself, let the people who love you LOVE you, and let the darkness go. . .

Heal stronger, love.

Hello, Change.

Dear Michelle,

You are FREE to do ANYTHING you want to do.  Make choices that will allow your soul to shine!  Make choices that will bring out the best in you.  Do not live with regrets because these past four years have been crucial to the growing and learning process.  No need to be bitter or anxious over the future.  Today is the only day that you have.  Enjoy this day.  You don't have to worry about anything.  There are only things you do and you do not do.  Worry and anxiety do not help the next step happen.  Life does not have to be difficult, it is only as hard as you make it. 

Thanks,
Inevitable Change.

I want to help people.  I want to encourage and make a difference in the world.  I want to motivate people to live their best lives possible.  I want to give people the courage to have hope and strive to be better.  There is a lot of things in this world that are beautiful and good.  I believe in miracles, I believe in love.
I believe I am enough.  I want to surround myself with people who want to laugh and enjoy life.  I want to be joyful and strong.  I want to be at peace.  I want to live by the ocean.

I have cried so much and I have been very sad since I moved to Pittsburgh.  There were some good times but it has been pretty lame too.  Going through the motions is not living.  Being miserable is not acceptable.  Learning how to NOT repeat mistakes is invaluable.  GOD I DON'T WANT TO MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES AGAIN!  I learned I promise.  People put up red flags for a reason, if there are warning signs HEED them!!! Don't go beyond, STOP HERE! There is no need to crack a shell that does not wish to be cracked no matter how shiny the shell, there is no guarantee there will be a pearl.  Also, do not put your pearl out on display for any old Joe Schmoe.  It is priceless, you make him earn it!  Keep the hinges of your shell's hinges lubed but watch who you let snatch your prize.  

Putting all these pieces together is helping me see the big picture.  I have to let go and step away and let the rest happen.  When your life starts sounding like the lyrics to a country song, that is how you know that change is coming whether you like it or not!!!

Oh, and fairy tales are called fairy tales for a reason--THEY ARE NOT BASED IN REALITY.

Chelle Seeking

After things fall apart and you are left picking up the pieces it is hard to determine which pieces are yours and which are someone else's.  (Taking this personality test reminded me who I am.)  Some of the pieces are infused together and those are building blocks of experience that you take with you.  Kiss them gently, attach love to them, cleanse with tears and place gently in your growing garden of knowledge.

The weeds clutter your garden so you have to be a constant gardener.  Uproot the sadness, the loneliness, the frustration, the pain.  When weeds overwhelm and you need help to get your garden back in shape, don't be afraid to ask for help. You are loved!

Let the tears be the fountains in your garden. Allow memories to be the statues. Chizel the goodness. Cultivate the beauty of why you fell in love in the first place.

I mix my salty tears with ocean waves.

I unlock doors that I didn't know exist.

Hugs and laughter mend the brokeness.  I give myself permission to feel all of the feelings I need to feel to allow myself to heal.  I feel the intense sadness.  I embrace the fear of the unknown future. 

I am determined to free myself from the destructive patterns of my past. 

I mourn the loss of my fairytale romance.

 

I accept myself and all the aspects of what makes me who I am.

Our personalities are ingrained into every fiber of our beings.  When I understand I feel TRUE comfort.  I do not have to rely on false comforts any longer.  The void is instead filled with compassion and love. 

I can feel love grow inside of me and it is exciting. 

One day at a time.