Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Take care of yourself!


I was having a rough morning this morning.  Everything was going wrong.  I was getting to my boiling point, and then I stopped and went to Golden Gardens.  I sat on a piece of driftwood and looked down.  Someone wrote  "Jesus loves you" on the wood.  It was pretty without the graffiti but I guess I was supposed to see that today.  I know I am loved.  I know I need to stop worrying and start doing.  I will attract the right things when I am following the right path.  Things that don't go the way I wish they would, they are out of my control.  I am not privy to the big picture, so when things don't turn out, I wish I could go with the flow.  Resistance to change and disappointment are futile.

I can do this.  I can handle what life give me and make better choices.  Make loving choices.  One day at a time!  Focus!

This is my life.  This is my day to do with what I need to make it better.  What choices will I make today?  What can I do right now?  I don't have to have all the answers right now.  I don't have to feel stuck.  That is my own fault if that happens.  I don't have to feel down, or lazy, or depressed.  I can do what I need to do to get things done.  I have ME.  I don't have to have anyone else to lean on financially.  I have to be smart.  I can't expect to make more money if I don't make a change.  I have to work hard to get to the next step in my life.

I don't need the past to remind me of loves lost.  I don't need the burden of hurt.  What lesson am I to learn from ghosts from my past?  It isn't helping me.  Let it go, let it go.  Whatever life takes away from me, let it go.  Resurrecting the past doesn't allow me to move into my future.  I can pray, I can send love and light.  I can focus on myself, and being a healthy kind soul.  That is the ONLY thing I can control.  Right now I feel like I am out of control.  Lost my focus.

What makes this journey worth living?  Being true to myself?  Being honest, real, and kind?  It isn't healthy to try to save anyone.  To offer unsolicited help.  To be co-dependent.  Why does this have to be my pattern?  It is not helpful to ANYONE, and it is not my job.  It is a lot easier to get caught up in someone else's problems than to examine yourself.
I saw a woman walking a blind dog over the weekend.  The dog had fear until she heard the woman's voice encouraging her.  "Come on Muppet, you're a good girl, you can do it."  I feel like that sometimes.  Like I need to hear the voices of encouragement and get approval from people I care about to make sure I am doing this right.  Do I really need to hear the external voices or can I rely on the internal voice to confidently guide me.  We are all searching blindly.

It looks like this rock was smiling at me while I was taking my walk today.
I keep asking why why why did I come here?  What is my purpose for being in Seattle?  What is the point of this move and the sacrifice of friends and family time that I miss back home?  My answer today very clearly is to HEAL.  This is what my purpose is in Seattle, and I need to allow it.  There is no where more healing for me than the ocean.  Ever since I was a child, I have always loved the sounds, the sight, the taste the smells of the sea.  I have felt drawn to it.  It is where I feel closest to God.  It brings me peace like nothing else.  Every time I am there, I am able to get a realistic perspective on my life.  I am able to be calm. The healing tears mix with the salty sea air and my cries mingle with those of the seals and the seagulls.  Finding sea glass, stones and shells, takes my mind off the stresses of the day.

Do any of us really have a clue why we're here on this planet?  We distract ourselves with television, drama, entertainment, routine, trying to fix other people's problems.  We shovel food in our faces, indulge in alcohol to feel numb, whatever obsessive behavior or addiction we may have.  Everyone is addicted to something or someone.  It is human nature.  It certainly would be helpful to be addicted to exercise rather than comfort food or cigarettes.
What's it all about?  Why are we here?
What is the purpose of my life?  Why do I struggle from paycheck to paycheck?  Will I ever have enough money set aside when it is time for me to retire or will I continue to struggle my whole life?  Is this character building?  Will I ever figure out what I want to do with my life?  Everyday that passes by, new wrinkles in the mirror.  Another year passes by.  I glimpse ghosts of different paths I hopped off of to go a different way.  There could have been marriage somewhere along that earlier path, children.  Maybe stability, probably not, hard to find stability when you can't find a partner who is mentally sound.  Nothing is certain though.  Anyone's life can change in a flash.
Will I ever meet my soul mate?  A kind man who isn't hiding anything, who will treat me with kindness and respect?  I know this will not happen until I treat myself with kindness and respect.  The ghosts of my past reflect my self image, mirroring the way I felt about myself.  Clearly, I was attracting what I thought I deserved.
When I think about my struggles I feel guilty because there are lot of people in the world struggling so much more than me.  That doesn't make my struggles any less real, and there is no reason to invalidate myself.  I am entitled to my feelings and I am embracing the fact that my life is messy.  Just like everyone else.
Relationships are complicated.  Boundaries.  The fine line.  How do you support someone without getting emotionally attached.  How do you show friendship without becoming entwined?  There are instances when I feel like I am pouring myself out to the point of being drained dry and not receiving anything in return.  How is that OK?  Why do I allow energy vampires?  Why am I attracted to these types of personalities?  Do we need each other to thrive?  Is that just part of the balance of the universe?  Give to those who don't know how to reciprocate?  Or worse yet, just take advantage of others and don't care.  What in the world would I do if I found a man who did fill me?  The thought feels almost foreign, as I have adopted a pattern of unbalanced relationships.  Give give give, and soak up the scraps I get back like a starving dog.  That is bullshit. I don't accept it anymore.  It is hard to step away because I know why people are assholes, everyone has a story.  I just don't have to be the one sacrificing my dignity to make someone feel better about their personality defects.
This beautiful place of healing, hasn't been able to do it's work because I have been distracted.  Being co-dependent in nature has kept me from focusing on myself.  The ocean the healing power of the ocean, soul filling and calming to me.  I accept the reason for being in Seattle.  To heal.  Let it begin.
So maybe I need to update my blog more often so that I don't vomit all the words all at once and sound like a crazy person!


2 comments:

Chris van der Colff said...

It's beautiful how you notice the small things that are placed there for only you to find. We could debate who placed them, but it's clear to me and clear to you both why and who left them for you to find and to share for those of us who may have overlooked them. You're the magnifying glass I needed.
Thanks!!

Jill said...

I agree with Chris. I needed to find you. EVERY WORD you write, I relate to.(especially the parts about relationships and the ocean; I too feel closer to God in it's presence. you are not alone and it's beautiful that you recognize that. you are braver than you even know. I am so inspired by you! Blessings, Michelle! Focus on the bliss :)