Sunday, November 27, 2011

my voice

 Not sure why I don't say what I am thinking or feeling sometimes.  The voice, my voice is ignored by me.  My thoughts tossed aside, unheard.  I feel like I am shouting but there aren't any words coming out.  If I ignore my voice how can I expect anyone else to listen?  I act as if my opinion does not matter and instead I play along.  I don't understand myself sometimes.  What do I really want?
 If you aren't willing to truly let down the walls then the baring of the truth cannot be revealed.  Oh the protective walls I've built all around me.  My flesh, my fantasies blocking me from true happiness.  Just enjoy and relax.  I don't need to figure everything out right now.
No matter how different our personalities are we are all connected by the need to be loved and understood.  We desire, we want to be accepted and held.  We want the people we love to be proud of us.  Our worth is determined by how much we value ourselves.  What is important, and what makes us feel like a success or a failure?
I want to find my voice once again.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

breaking out of the shell

Do we ever really start over from scratch.  How do you remove the stains and cracks and aches from the past?  Is it possible to look upon the world with a fresh perspective?  I tear away at the dead layers of past skin that doesn't matter anymore.  Wiser, stronger, more aware.  There is a line to walk between being cautious and scared.
There is always risk involved when you are vulnerable to another person.  It is exciting to get to know someone new.  New eyes look upon my glow, new words, thoughts, new music to match my dance.  Trust it and go with the flow.  A hand in my hand grasping gently in the direction of a new adventure.  It is foggy and beautiful, and the time is right for enjoying the moments as they come.
A chance that is taken is better than remaining in my protective shell.

Monday, September 26, 2011

six months

 This picture above was taken at Volunteer Park Cafe in North Capitol Hill.  The tea I was drinking was called Harmony.  It was wonderful. 
So I found a moment to sit at a cafe and write.  It is a Sunday afternoon and I am sipping a mug of mint tea in Wallingford.  I am at Irwin's Bakery and Coffee Shop on the corner of N 40th St and Bagley Ave. N. The street is busier than I was hoping for as far as being peaceful but that is when you have to find the peace within and drown out the noise around you.
I just spent the last few hours walking around the arboretum with one of my friends.  I didn't feel like probing him with questions today.  I just wanted peace for myself and spent some time reflecting.  We spent a lot of our time together in silence.  It is a beautiful beginning of fall and I am in love with this place and this season.
I am blessed to have a steady income.  I am blessed with a job.  
I appreciate the opportunity to take all of this in, the beauty I witnessed yesterday was one of the most amazing sites I've ever seen in my life.
 The smell of the flowers, the perfection of nature, the scenery that looks like a postcard.  Mount Rainier is magnificent, and this place is called Paradise.  It reminded me of the movie What Dreams May Come.  It felt like being in a fantasy location.  The pictures do not do this place justice.  
I am where I am meant to be.  God is revealing his blessings to me, the gifts of friendships, the gifts of nature, the gifts of life and awareness.  I am so grateful for everything.  Thank you God so much for blessing me.  I am so overwhelmed with gratitude. 
There is a time and a season for everything and this is a season of reflection and a time for gratitude.  I smell chocolate chip cookies baking as I watch leaves whirl in little wind storms around my feet.  I am listening to Hildegard Von Bingen and enjoying the afternoon sun on the back of my neck.
Six months I have been in Seattle and I have settled into a new life.  I have made friends. My familiar is pleasing to me, the sights I behold while in the daily grind.  I smell the scent of roasting coffee beans every morning as a drive through Fremont.  I see the Space Needle everyday, and Lake Washington.  On a clear day I can see Mount Rainier, and on a hazy one, I know it is there.
I am so happy for this moment. I feel at peace right now.

Monday, September 19, 2011


This is one of the songs that reminds me of my first love.   I wanted to move to Seattle over a decade ago, and because that love relationship fell apart, I stopped trying to live that dream.  Now I am here.  I didn't expect it.  Had I made that move years ago there is so much that has happened since then that has shaped me into the person that I am that I would have missed.  There are wonderful people that I wouldn't have met.  Lips I wouldn't have kissed.  The timing is God's timing, and when I try to rush into things, it doesn't work out.  The worry and the anxiety, doesn't need to be. 
I was digging through all my boxes searching for the title to my vehicle the past couple of days and I kept finding things that reminded me of the struggles and pain I went through this past year.  It unearthed the feelings that I have been avoiding or maybe I have pushed below the surface.  Reminders of mistakes I have made.
My mom has been such an encouraging person in my life.  I have found so many cards, letters and little notes that she has given me over the years.  I laughed and cried and dug through the next box and found more. 
When I realize that I have moved so far away from my family and friends, it is bittersweet.  I am doing what I wanted, and they encouraged me, but I feel like there are things that I am missing there.  I can't just hang out with my mom any time I want.  I can't drive over to my best friend's house to help her paint her kitchen.  Our lives go on and they are voices on the phone, and they live their lives and I live mine.  Parallel, but not directly intertwined.
I don't know what the future will be for me.  Something led me to this place.  After all the searching, the title was in the first box that I had opened, right where I thought it was all along.  Now all the boxes are everywhere and and I will have to put everything back in place.  I guess it was time for the reminders.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

promises to myself

1. watch more sunsets
2. breathe deeply
3. listen to my intuition
4. go for hikes
5. take chances
6. be a light

Monday, August 15, 2011

The beautiful connection

the crumbling
falling down
being gentle and kind
safely release
and watch it drift away
like a leaf on a river
 we do what we want
trying to make things feel good
trying to make it all make sense
make it work
make up
we wear make up to cover up
what we don't want to see
or enhance the face of truth to
pull out the beauty
that lies
lies lies lies
to ourselves
to seal
the wounds that tear open
when we reveal too much
sometimes i seem to forget myself and what makes me unique.  I really love who I am and I don't really love how I feel when i forget who I am.  It sucks to lose myself and it sends me into chaos and confusion.  It is ok to cry because I hurt or because I am happy.  It is authentic and true and it comes from a pure place.  I don't apologize or feel like I am weak.  I am strong and I have intense feelings, things are always enhanced for me and I am grateful.  This is why I must write.  This is my gift, I can make the world around me come to life with my words and my emotions and I can share it.  I have lots of stories pouring out of me.  Journals filled with my words, and more to come.  I have music surrounding me and each day is a sweet melodic gift.  So many things I want to experience.  There need not be darkness clouding over me.   I don't want the sadness to keep me down.  I will allow the mourning and the tears to flow and then let it go and go forward into the next day.  The place where I am is where I am supposed to be and I am grateful for all of it. 

Thursday, August 4, 2011


When I see the sea once more
will the sea have seen or not seen me?

Why do the waves ask me
the same questions I ask them?

And why do they strike the rock
with so much wasted passion?

Don't they get tired of repeating
their declaration to the sand?

-Pablo Neuruda from The Book of Questions

Sunday, July 24, 2011

my heart is holding back

my heart is holding back all the love i want to pour out onto another.  this is not the time for it.  i feel my feelings growing in my safety zone fantasy world yet again, and i stop myself.  the ebb and flow like the ocean waters, learning my lessons from past experiences.  i feel gushy and lovey in a world of make believe then i become aware of my pattern, and i pull away.  fantasy does not bring satisfaction, it is a false sense of comfort, and i refuse to allow myself to entertain it's empty rewards.  there is joy and beauty in friendship, but acknowledging boundaries is healthy.  flirtations and silly daydreams are fun but they distract me from my true desires.  why can't i turn that fantasy love into real self love instead?  i can, actually and i am making up my mind right now to practice self love.  exercise, prayer, meditation, eating healthy food, and practicing self awareness.  if i do not feel comfortable in my own skin then i need to do something about it.  i know i can because i have done it before.  so here it goes, "operation chelle in shape" begins now.  starts today.  i am determined and focused.  i am ready now.  i will track my calories and join a gym.  i have a lot more confidence in myself and more energy when i am taking care of my body.

Monday, July 18, 2011

the happy ever after girl

had a lovely weekend filled with yummy blackberry spice and lavender vanilla martinis at the chapel, goth club dancing at the mercury,  2 am sidewalk dancing next to my truck, good friends, craft time, Ingrid Michaelson, Avett Brothers, Sammy Davis Jr., homemade oyster mushroom and artichoke pizza, dandelion botanical co. chai, kumbucha, a little toeheaded giggle monster, Puget Sound waves, bubble bath. . .

Friday, July 1, 2011

my heart smiles

There's a charmer who mesmerizes
there's a voice that soothes
there's music to calm
there's a mirror to reflect
there's trust to test
can I take the plunge?
feel pretty confident
I can trust
surprisingly I've found trust
regardless of the past
showing myself the
changes in my life
are pulling me into the truest
state of me
where I shine the most
where I attract
what my heart desires
love, kindness, serenity,
soulful connection,
my heart smiles.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

and she knows

and she knows someday 
she will fall in love again
and she won't chase it down 
like a dream she cannot catch
it will come 
and it will be easy
like a hand slipping into another hand
comfortable and warm
it will not feel like running into a brick wall
instead it will energize and renew
she will feel at ease
at home
he won't be a false prophet
he will be as he appears
the truth on the surface
no need to dive and drown

"Inside myself is a place where I live all alone and that is where I renew my springs that never dry up." 
-Pearl S. Buck

Thursday, June 2, 2011

strange day

up and down and all over the place.  that is how i feel sometimes.

I glow today and the tears fade away
they absorb into smiles
and dry even in the Seattle rain
the days in Pittsburgh enter my mind
the clouds of darkness
thick with depression and soul sadness
my gentle spirit with daily wounds
now healing in a comforting nest
I feel like I have found my home.

we do the best we can-sometimes we fall down and sometimes we have to pick ourselves up and keep going.  Who really knows what all of this means.  Why we're here or what happens when we die.  Be kind. Be real. Be genuine.  Let life take it's course.  What am I doing with my life?  What is the purpose of our being here?
I seek the truth.  I long for meaningful connection.  I seek protection for my sensitive heart.  Direction for my longing soul.  I feel the anger and hurt washing away but now what?  I moved myself across the USA. . .  What happens now?  Where does this path lead?
Sometimes I feel so far away, the distance between me and all that I have known.  But I know I needed to do this.  I can't hug anyone from this far away but my heart is with them.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

life's soundtrack. . .

just listen to this while doing mundane activities that take up our lives, it will make it feel a little more like an adventure.  I promise. . .

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

what i do when i can't sleep

From Movies

click on pic, and it will take you to a video. . .Tool is the band.  Song is called Disposition.

I stuck it on youtube too. . .

Sunday, May 15, 2011

My Ghost Story

This episode features a picture that I took in the Moonville Tunnel several years ago.  The story begins @ 25:07.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

need a break

I want to be free from my thoughts today. 

Saturday, May 7, 2011


I want more JOY, sunshine, ocean waves, campfires, hiking, smiles, courage, hope, seashells,.  I want less fear, questioning myself, insecurity.
I miss being kissed. . .I remember my first kiss ever. . .well, the one that I technically allowed to count as my 1st kiss, was a foreign exchange student from Siberia.  I wanted it to be perfect. . .and for a moment it was. . .  The girls I went to that party with screamed and giggled with me in the car when we were leaving the party.  It was a rush, and it made me feel so excited.  There have been some memorable kisses along the journey. 
It has been so long since I experienced a sweet kiss.  I long for that, simple and tender.  Tilt my head back and feel soft lips, taste sweet breath and a gently dancing tongue attached to a yummy fun guy with strong arms and a sexy smile.  It is like playing a guess who kind of game, what will this new man be like?  I can't see him clearly in my mind, but I know he's out there.  New lips, a new voice, new love.  It will find me, it will find me.  I will be patient for it.  A sweet one who understands me and who wants to know me inside, and experience life with me.  For now it is just me and I pour out my energy and recharge my own energy.  I embrace the cycle, be filled with the light and it will be a beacon to the love I crave. . .When I found the glass heart on the beach, it filled me with hope that this path is meant to be.  In the meantime I will sway to the music in my soul and hope that love will sing back my tune. . .

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Saturday, April 30, 2011

love this. . .

"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." -Joseph Campbell

"Follow your bliss.
If you do follow your bliss,
you put yourself on a kind of track
that has been there all the while waiting for you,
and the life you ought to be living
is the one you are living.
When you can see that,
you begin to meet people
who are in the field of your bliss,
and they open the doors to you.
I say, follow your bliss and don't be afraid,
and doors will open
where you didn't know they were going to be.
If you follow your bliss,
doors will open for you that wouldn't have opened for anyone else."
— Joseph Campbell

Saturday, April 23, 2011

this song is amazing.

close your eyes
let me touch you now
let me give you something that is real
close the door
leave your fears behind
let me give you what you're giving me
you are the only thing
that makes me want to live at all
when i am with you
there's no reason to pretend
that when i am with you i feel flames again
just put me inside you
i would never ever leave
just put me inside you
i would never ever leave

-Vast Lyrics

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

thoughts on a Wednesday

Love overwhelms me and I can hardly take it.  The cleansing tears that flow flood the eye gates and pour down my cheeky mounds, exposed, can't hide, but no one here seems to be aware of my tears and in silence they fall, unnoticed and unburdening.  The invisibility that I feel sometimes makes me feel like a spirit or a ghost haunting this space.  The security and the calm of going unnoticed, isn't that what I wanted?  It is easier to be invisible that it is to be on display.  When you are noticed, therein lies a much greater risk of being hurt.  But at what cost?  If you don't put yourself out there you can miss opportunities to connect with people who energize and allow you to shine.  Don't be afraid to be who you are, let your soul shine out and don't worry about being hurt.  There is a chance I could be surprised by not being hurt-there's no need for the false protection anymore.  Remove it, let it melt away with your past need for comfort.  Respect your body and feed it with health and love.  I feel the hot tears brimming my eyelids and making me feel tired and vulnerable.  I can feel the release and there is a pocket of emotion longing to escape.  To free me.  I don't need the layers of protection anymore.  I am free from the things that have bound me.  The need for comfort no longer needed is like saying goodbye to a lover  The relationship is not desired anymore and breaking away is hard but it is needed in order for me to keep growing inside.  Pruning away, dissolving.  Can I truly say goodbye to the insecurities or will it be a battle for always?  There is no one to whom I have to prove myself.  I am here not to be anything but me.

I love the freedom.  I was always free, I was the only one holding myself back, but I didn't realize it at the time.  Send light and love to the past, embrace it like a friend and let it go, Michelle.  There is no one and nothing holding you onto the past, nothing but you.  Use it as a building block, not a stumbling block.  There is no one out there to get you.  There is not a cosmic joke being played on you, there is no rug that will be pulled.  There is just the road ahead and the steps of today.  Let the joy wash over you today and know that you are submerged in pure beautiful love. 
Don't worry about loneliness, each day will bring what is needed.  Don't wish your life away, be happy with this moment.  I don't have to be afraid of anything.  Just be confident and let the love flow. The universe will set things right and balance itself out.  God will not leave someone who is praying for miracles out in the cold. He heard my cries, and he held me through all of it.  I can trust that keeping an eye on the truth will keep me from colliding with the sadness that blanketed me in the dark times. The time of complete confusion has ended, now there is clarity.

Monday, April 18, 2011

chelle by the seashore

Yesterday I went for a walk on the shore, and it brought tears of joy to my eyes.  I cried because I am so happy to be here.  I feel so blessed.  I get the opportunity to experience the ocean shore and the waves crashing anytime I want.  How awesome is that?  It made me feel so excited.  It is better than I ever dreamed.
When I look back at what I have been through this past year it makes me appreciate all of this.  I am ready to laugh, have a good time and be lighthearted.

Realness.  Reality.  I don't want to live in a fantasy world.  I want to be part of this reality.  I am pushing forward and making things happen instead of living in the fantasies inside my head.  I have to find the truth no matter how bad it sucks sometimes.  The sucky truth led me to this beautiful reality.

I have learned that loving someone is not about the romance.  It is not about saying what you think the other person wants to hear.  It is about seeing all aspects of someone, whether you like it all or not, and loving them anyways.  It is seeing them for who they really are.  Not allowing the romantic notions get in the way of actually letting someone just BE.  It is much more amazing to accept someone just the way they are and to acknowledge the flaws, not pretend they aren't there.  The constant truth.  I always see the good in people, but I want to accept the not so good or see the whole picture not just want I want to see or hear.  I don't want to just acknowledge what suites me.  Love is about having a real connection with someone, not a pretend or forced one.

If I pull the focus away from what I want to see, I can see the beauty of being human, seeing the raw realness.  Seeing the truth, we are all flawed but we all have that in common.  It is a shame to waste moments being insecure or unsure of ourselves, when we are all human.  I am me, and you are you.  There are friendships and connections to be made, and it will come naturally in time.  When I am open to receive, I will and it will be amazing.  Trust that it will happen, and it will.  I will not be left alone in this world.

Expectations are not a good idea.  It is better to just go with it and see what happens.  Expectations set us up for disappointment.  What is the point of doing that to yourself?  When I give myself a break and relax, life will bring me what I need.  Time to enjoy the ride.  

Saturday, March 26, 2011

while driving through Wyoming

this song got me though the high altitude drive through Wyoming, that and a whole lot of praying (and driving 35 mph).  I thought my vehicle was going to die in the middle of nowhere, it was a rough road.  Dragging a Uhaul through Wyoming is NOT fun!  But the good news is that Wyoming eventually came to an end, like all things that suck!!! 

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Friday, March 4, 2011

a new journey

It is time to move.  It is time to go.  When I get there I will find what I am looking for.  I am a little bit nervous, but I believe with all my heart that this is going to be a beautiful time in my life.  I am ready for it.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

heavy rotation

in heavy rotation on the i-pod:

Sophia by Butterfly Explosion
Soul Meets Body by Death Cab for Cutie
On the Mend-Foo Fighters
Same Suburb Different Park-Firekites
Heavy Water/I'd Rather Be Sleeping-Grouper
Boy With A Coin-Iron & Wine
Yellowcake-Kaki King
Pachuca Sunrise (Alias Remix) Minus the Bear
Take Me Somewhere Nice-Mogwai
Bloodbuzz Ohio-The National
Not a Friend-Sebadoh
Catch & Release-Silversun Pickups
Butterfly-The Verve
Soldier-Ingrid Michaelson
Oh Father-Sia
Black Swan-Thom Yorke

Monday, February 28, 2011


I like the word resilience.

Definition of RESILIENCE

1: the capability of a strained body to recover its size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress
2: an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change


It is so easy to fall into the victim mentality.  To be a victim of circumstances or choices.  To blame everyone else for everything that happens in my life.  It is easy to say I was "done wrong" or treated unfairly or unkindly.  I can point fingers and blame all day.  Victimization is a cop-out and it doesn't bring anything positive to any one's life.  It can wear down a person and suck all the joy out of life. 

I accept responsibility for my own choices.  All that I have chosen has led me to this moment.

Do you allow criticism or praise of others determine your self worth?  If the only reflection you have of yourself is influenced by others opinions, prepare for a rough road ahead.  To depend on others for your worth is to set yourself up for disaster.  You don't need anyone else's approval to be who you are.  This is your life.  Nothing anyone else has to say should penetrate your heart more than the internal conversation you have inside yourself.  No one else can be strong enough to carry you through life. Pick yourself up and carry on.  Hold your head high and listen to the loving voice inside your soul.

If I never had to deal with negative people it would be so much easier to get through life.  But the idealist still has to see the dirty, nasty, ugly side of human nature and accept that not everyone is loving.  Not everyone has my best interest in mind.  There are people who will hurt me in my life.  There are people who will try to manipulate and control me if they get the opportunity.  Bullies pick on the weak and if you allow yourself to be subjected to the cruelty then it will remain your pattern.  Perpetual victim does not sound like an appealing way to live life.  The way to avoid being picked on is to get back up and brush yourself off.  Take a deep breath, smile and be strong.  Be braver and wiser.  Be aware.

We are born into this life with the freedom to make our own choices.  Am I going to dwell on the sadness and pain?  Or am I going to realize and accept people the way they are.  I can spend my time with people who feed my soul and nurture it, and avoid energy suckers.  That is the beauty of free will.  If someone constantly puts you or himself down, or is cynical and mean all the time, get away from him. 

When you have victim mentality and you are subjected to a negative person; you can be influenced easily.  You can be dragged into darkness and sadness.  Gradually manipulated and seduced into a life of submission by someone who hates himself so much that the only thing that makes him feel better is to control another person.  It is truly a reflection of how you feel about yourself if you think that is what you deserve.  "This is as good as it gets."  That is bullshit, my friends.  If you love yourself you will fight your way to the surface of the sea you in which you drown.  When you glow with love from the inside you will attract light. 

I watched a movie a while back and there was a quote that stuck with me. "The person who cares the least has all the power in a relationship".  Relationships shouldn't be a power struggle.  It should be based on mutual respect and understanding.  Built on a foundation of trust and truth.  If one person in the relationship is doing all the work then the dynamics are off kilter.  If you find yourself bending over backwards contantly, or carrying the load yourself, take a moment to re-evaluate.  If you find yourself constantly being the one that compromises, there is something wrong.

If you constantly feel like you are running into a brick wall then that is a sure sign that you have reached a dead end in your current path.  Relationships need to grow.  You need to grow as an individual too.  If the person you are in a relationship with does not want to grow with you, then it is time to move on.  Some relationships fail and it is an opportunity to change directions.  Being open to blessings and allowing the layers of false protection to be peeled away creates healing, strength and peace.

Life will always bring negative voices trying to bring me down, but I don't have to listen to them.  I can do anything that I want to do, and I will.  My will is strong and my courage is even stronger.  The old patterns are so easy to fall back into because the groove runs so deeply.  When I feel like I am on the edge, about to fall back in, I have to stay focused on the now.  Time travel isn't healthy when the past has so much pain.  It isn't healthy to dwell on the ideal someday either.  Making the future consists of the baby steps of now, the building blocks of a life that makes sense and helps me to flourish. 

We all just want to love and be loved, to be accepted, to feel special.  If the God shaped hole is filled first, then the rest of the space inside our hearts will be filled with the blessings from God.  God scooped me up and he holds me now, and it feels better than any arms that have ever held me.  His love has taken me on journeys that I have been longing to take for so long.  I am just beginning.

Even on my weak days I climb back with resilience.  Hard times build character if you accept the truth and learn from your mistakes.  Sometimes the hardest times in our lives can lead us to our greatest joys. 

I am resilient.  :-)   

Sunday, February 13, 2011

being me

So I went to a show last night in Seattle by myself.  It was not so scary to go alone, even though I thought it might be.  I ate coconut curry at a restaurant called Boom Noodle.  I had some sake.  I felt the urge to write while I was waiting for the show to start.  I got there too early, and Sebadoh wasn't going on stage until way later.  I felt happy just being there.  I didn't really talk to anyone too much.  I found a perfect parking spot across the street.  I was just happy to go to a show that I had always wanted to see.  I was alone and it didn't matter.  None of it really matters.  I loved being there in the moment.  It feels good to be in touch with who I am.  I wanted to be there and I was euphoric. 
If life hadn't taken the turns that it had, I wouldn't have had the chance to be sitting in that moment.  This is the place where I am supposed to be right now.  This is what life is all about.  Living. Taking a chance and just going for it.  If you are scared to drive downtown, do it anyways.  If you are scared to go to a concert by yourself, do it anyways.  If you are scared to go to lots of job interviews, do them anyways.
I was sitting at a candle lit table last night, and there were people sitting around me.  The DJ was playing The Pogues.  The song from the movie PS I Love You.  It reminded me of the past.  Is it possible that the release and the push forward was done out of love?  I like to think so, and maybe I will hold on to that.  It makes me feel better to think the best.

I have nothing to lose.  I have a heart full of wonder and excitement for the possibilities that life holds.  I will keep moving forward and trying my hardest to trust that it will all work out.  I will allow myself to be exposed to the hurt and pain.  I don't ever want to lose the ability to feel deeply.  I allow the pain and I release it.  It is all part of being a human being.  We all experience hurt and disappointment.  It is okay.  Just let go and let it happen.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

I have had a lot of time to myself this week.  Silence. Solitude.  Quietness.  My spirit has been resting in the comfort of my own company.  In the midst of this solitude, I have had a lot of time to think. Love is one of the things on my mind. 
God's love is so powerful and healing.  He loves us so much and wants to bless our lives.  He puts people in our lives to teach us more about ourselves.
Love can be found in a person who brings out the best in you.  A person you feel completely comfortable with and don’t ever feel uneasy with or judged. Someone who supports your dreams and wouldn't even think of holding you back for selfish reasons.  
Being able to share your thoughts and laugh.  Fitting together easily without resistance or awkwardness.  Maybe this person isn’t someone you end up spending your life with, but someone who shows you the possibilities of what love can be.  Maybe it was someone who only touched your life for a short time, but left a bigger impact than you even realized.  It can be revealed to you in a subtle quiet way, and it doesn’t even hit you until years later.  Maybe great love isn't mushy romantic love, but respect and appreciation for you being you and me being me.  Maybe that love is more about the love you can show yourself because you know you deserve to be treated good by the people who are in your life.  If you truly love yourself then you attract genuine love.      
I know myself a little bit better now. I don’t need to worry. Worry truly is the biggest waste of time.  It is the self doubt monster that creeps into my life and sucks my energy dry.  I am closing that door.  Failure doesn’t have to be viewed as failure.  The outcomes of my decisions are new starting points. Situations are never going to turn out the way I expect them to, so stop with the expectations already.  Expectations set us up for disappointment.  Be open to the possibilities because there is going to be something BETTER.   It may sound cliché but it is happening in my life right now.

I think it is important to share with people how much they mean to you.  It matters to be honest
with yourself and with others.  Be real.  Be yourself all the time.  Don’t hide in your shell.  If people don’t accept you for whom you are, then you aren’t spending time with the right people.  It is healing to shout love from the mountains.  It doesn’t matter if that love is reciprocated or rejected.  Let the love flow freely and it will flow in the right direction. 
It is ok to reflect on the past, but not to live there.  When you are working through the
pain and ignorance of the past sometimes it can lead to the greatest discoveries about yourself.  I am not scared or worried anymore.  I am me again.  Happy, bold and excited about life.  I love connecting with people.  I love to laugh.  I love blasting my music.  I love freedom.  

I have no regrets about the way that life has unfolded because it was all necessary to get me to this day.  I don’t know what tomorrow holds and I am not worried.  The fear is gone.