Saturday, August 9, 2014

life lessons

Written on March 12, 2014

Once upon a time there was a girl who loved a boy.  She thought she did anyways.  It took her a long time to realize that she didn't really love him, because she didn't know what love was.  She didn't realize that love doesn't mean that you lose yourself in another person.  It doesn't mean that you sacrifice your needs to please another person.  It doesn't mean that you try to "help" because he needs "fixed".  It is not about guessing where you stand with someone or wondering if he feels the same way.  If that is what genuine love is then I don't want it.  It is not.  It is about mutual respect because of respect and love for oneself.  Spiritual connection.  In the past I gave myself away to a man who paid attention to me, I fell in love easily and I gave my all-without finding what I wanted or needed.

The inner critic is not a friendly voice, it is the voice of a different generation echoing a history of abuse.  Mistrust.  That inner voice didn't believe that I was good enough or that I deserved love.  That inner voice lied to me about love being conditional based on my looks or my weight.

"Stop trying to control everything and just let go." -Fight Club quote

I'm here to experience and to love.  I am here to make friends and connections with people.  I am here to experience being a human being.  I want to allow all of it.  Happy, sad, depression, joy, anger, all of it.  It really doesn't matter what I do as long as I am grateful and aware of the gift of life.

This is such a strange wonderful thing to be a human being.  To be on this planet.  Why are we here?  The past becomes the present and the future is determined by the choices that we make.  Do I dull the pain with addictions?  Do I go through the pain by working with a therapist.

I was addicted to pain.  I got used to disappointment and used to being melancholy.  I got used to being fearful.

I'm impulsive yet I've moved across the country to survive.  I have always wanted to be here and now I am--I listened to that voice now I have to keep going.

I give my energy and I become so tired sometimes.  I need to be filled.

My life.
This is my life.

Why was I born in Ohio?

Why am I 37 years old and not following the life path of marriage and kids?

Where is my soulmate?

Why did my first love find me again?

I didn't love myself enough before to exude the confidence needed to attract a good mate.

I tell myself these words: I attract men who are good enough for me.  I attract men who are sober and healthy.  I respect myself.

what brings me joy?

who brings me joy?