Wednesday, February 27, 2013

To Heal

I moved to Seattle to heal and that is what I am doing.  
Slowly, gradually
The Puget Sound
is my refuge
the waves my meditation
the battering wind
the dryer of my tears

how many cups of tea
journal entries 
and windblown days
does it take to heal?
that is yet to be determined.
the hurt of the past
can reach for many miles
I can't go any further away from my past
without falling into the Pacific Ocean.

I have been experiencing 
"retracing" due to upper cervical chiropractic care
and it does some funky things to the mind and body
It is a healing process and it basically releases
past traumas and the 
mind body and soul 
relives the experience.
When the resurfacing occurs 
it makes me feel anxiety and
that I thought had vanished.
I worked through a lot
of my kid fears
and went through the painful
realization that I was with a man
who was not good for me
when l lived in Pittsburgh and
went through therapy.
I worked myself into courage
to get out
and I soared out of the depressed sadness
into a new life I created for myself,
but I didn't get to just settle somewhere 
and live happily ever-after.

there are sacrifices 
reality checks
Living in Seattle is expensive
and it hasn't been easy to live here
the way I have been on my own
with my meager income.
I haven't made it this far to give up
so I have to make some changes to 
my lifestyle to make this work.
I will be moving twenty more minutes 
away from the Puget Sound but 
I can handle that.
I think my biggest fear has been
taking this chance and failing.
I want to make this work
I have been now for two years
and it has been a challenge.
I miss the support of my friends and family
but they are with me always
no matter how far away.
I have met new people
but I want to meet more kindred
I have made friends far away
in Philadelphia and Dallas.
I have good connections here
through my healing.
It takes a while to settle into a place
I started to feel the urge to try someplace new
but my finances keep me here for now.
I can get out of the financial hole
and make better choices.

Life is different from what I thought it would be
growing up 
a family
a home 
a career
I don't have any of those things
but I have the sea
and my freedom
it's the best thing for me
the salt water
the waves, 
the air
the sand.
It has been healing
and the layers of false protection
are chiseled away
being healthy in 
utilizing methods of healing
acupuncture, massage, meditation,
I spend a lot of time by myself
It feels liberating to drop the weight
that I've been carrying around
I still have further to go
but I am happy with where I am now
I have an occasional glass of wine
or indulge in goat cheese
but I basically stick with the veggie and protein lifestyle
I have been reading the Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron and it
is helping me understand a lot about myself.
All the guilt I've felt about not constantly being on the go, for example.
It is OK to take a day of rest.  I am allowed to do as much or as little as I wish.
Overstimulation exhausts me and to recharge I have to be alone and quiet.
Sometimes I just need quiet
chill and relaxing peace.
how badly do I want something?
to write. . .I AM writing.
To take photographs. . .I do that as well.
I am doing what I love,
It is just not in the bulk of my time that I spend doing that which I love.
I perhaps need to change my perspective.
I spend my time at my job helping people,
and that is something that I am passionate about.
I am maybe not doing it the way I want right now
but I am helping people. 
It's funny how light from the sun
reflecting on the water
can make it look so much bluer and vibrant.

The grey day can make the water look murky and dull.
It's a huge difference to view life
with light or through sadness and darkness.
We don't get to have sunshine everyday
but when it comes it is glorious.
It's the same water no matter what eyes we use to look upon it.

Monday, February 25, 2013


 I had a little chilly weather February picnic for myself at Discovery Park.  French olives, Spanish Valencian almonds, Pave de Jadis goat milk cheese, hot coppa, gluten free crackers, and coconut water.

 I walked the shoreline and found some things that caught my eye along the way.
 Another heart on a piece of driftwood.
 An abandoned shovel.
 A ghostly skeleton leaf.
 A rusty nail.
I found lots of treasures.

I found myself.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

sick day--plea to universe

I can manifest my vision
I can make my dreams come true
I believe in myself
I will it to be so
and the universe responds
I am a light
I exercise and do the things necessary
to be healthy
I don't worry
I celebrate my victories
I mourn my defeats
but I don't allow them to control me
I bring about abundance
happiness and joy
I'm energetic, productive, giving,
caring, excited, and forgiving
I make the changes I need to make
to bring the goodness into my life
I don't listen to the negativity
I don't allow anyone to tell me what
I am capable of doing
I face my problems and do the hard work
to get to the other side.
I am a light.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

while on the bus

light dark light
stand still
lay down
visual stimulation
others lives
the truth underneath the covers
try to break through
the surface
but it cannot permeate
the layer of lies
and deception
it's more fun to
imagine that everyone
else's lives are so much
more successful than your own
how depressing would it
be to unveil the grass as brown
instead of greener?

it's built into the green eyed
monster mentality
to create a dream
that couldn't be farther
from truth
stop looking
and get into the meaty center
of you
it's not found on the food network
or tips to live by
in someone's self help book
it's the flesh, the soul
the facts
we won't live two hundred years
some won't see next Christmas
and whatever this life
means to me
doesn't mean anything to you
and you wonder
what the cosmic bets are
in this tiny game that
lasts for centuries
what's it all mean?
too deeply involved in making breakfast
to worry about a crack
in my universe.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

A Cheesy Testimonial

I agreed to write a testimonial about the progress I have made with my weight loss and life change.  Here it is. . .after a little glimpse of Golden Gardens.

I have been chubby since puberty.  The women in my family are large breasted and very short.  I have lost and gained weight, tried different fad diets, exercise programs and have watched my mom battle her weight my whole life.  I saw my grandmother die from complications due to obesity.

I moved to Seattle two years ago.  It was a big life change for me and I ate and drank my way through the stress.  This coping mechanism caused me to be heavier than I've ever been.  I left the comfort of home and tried to find it elsewhere.  I guess I never realized just how much I depended on food for comfort.

The thing with me is that I have a pretty good sense of self.  I have always liked myself, and my weight doesn't determine my self worth.  I didn't even realize how heavy I had become until I saw a picture of myself last May and I looked uncomfortable in my own skin.  I also realized that I was feeling like crap more and more often.  I had trouble fitting into my clothes.  It became apparent to me that my self image didn't match the pictures I saw.  It was an eye opener that I needed to make a change.  I loved myself enough to take the steps I need to care for my body and become healthier.

I was aware of how much I weighed without ever getting on a scale but it took me months to mentally prepare to take on this lifestyle change.  I had to wait until I was ready to insure that I would succeed.  I have a very strong will and once I put my mind to do something, I do it.  There is a lot of preparation involved with committing to a goal like this.  I told all my friends and family what I planned to do.  I journaled about it.  I prayed about it.  I enlisted the help of a professional.  Who better to ask how to deal with this than a nutritionist?

I did have one last junk food week before I began.  I ate whatever the heck I wanted because I knew my life was about to change.  I began meeting in May with Green Lake Nutrition to begin the metabolic reset and it wasn't until the end of July that I actually began the process.  I have lost 37 pounds so far and I've gone from a size 16 to a size 12 since then.  I've lost inches off my waist, bust and thighs.  I've still got further to go, but I am excited about the progress I have made so far.

One of the items I am permitted to eat on the metabolic reset shopping list is cheese.  I figured I could tackle this lifestyle change because my biggest comfort food ever is allowed.  As long as I had my cheese, I could do this.  The thing is that I wasn't feeling as good as I thought I should considering the overload of veggies I had introduced into my life.  I knew something else had to change.  I discussed this with Grace, my metabolic reset "coach" and she suggested that I drop the cheese.  Not just cut back on the cheese, eliminate it completely.  I may have a dairy sensitivity she told me. . .and to my absolute horror I forced myself give up cheese.  To fully commit to feeling better I had to sacrifice cheese.

Giving up cheese is honestly one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.  It pissed me off and made me bitter.  I almost gave up on the plan because I didn't want to give up my favorite food.  While my body was going through cheese withdraw I just became more and more angry.  How unfair!!!  This is a comfort food that I ate every single day!    I pouted, cursed, and literally bawled my eyes out.  Grace talked me though some tough days.  Once I finally let go, guess what??  I lost five pounds in one week and the inflammation in my belly area dissipated.  I also felt like a thick fog lifted from my head.  Since I gave up dairy, I feel sooooooo much better!  Even THAT pissed me off.  But what can I say, the cheese is the culprit.

I would never have dreamed that I had a sensitivity to dairy products and that it was directly related to to my weight struggles.  Perhaps I was in denial, I can't say that I ever felt awesome after eating an ice cream cone.  It really sucks.  I am not happy about it.  It is true however and now that I know eating dairy causes me to feel horrible, it is much easier to avoid it.  It may not even be ALL dairy products but we haven't gotten that far yet.  I want to get to a comfortable weight for myself before I begin trying different kinds of cheese.  Maybe it is just cow's milk.  In the meantime I eat Daiya when I absolutely need to have the cheese craving fulfilled.

I know that cleansing my body of processed foods allows me to really be in tune with how foods affect my body.  I can pinpoint exactly what is making me feel a certain way because I am eating so clean right now.  I have more sensitivities than I was ever aware of and it is helping me to make better choices.  Gluten is another challenge.  Who wants to give up cheese AND bread?  UGH!  I am getting a clear explanation of why I have been struggling with my weight for so long.  It is all starting to make sense.   Through this metabolic reset process my relationship with food is evolving.  I am more conscious of what I put into my mouth and I realize that I am not punishing myself by choosing to eat veggies instead of pizza.  I am showing myself love and kindness when I make better food choices.  If you give your body the nutrition it craves, it functions the way it should.  Awareness of food sensitivities has given me an unexpected and welcomed sense of freedom!