Wednesday, February 27, 2013

To Heal

I moved to Seattle to heal and that is what I am doing.  
Slowly, gradually
The Puget Sound
is my refuge
the waves my meditation
the battering wind
the dryer of my tears

how many cups of tea
journal entries 
and windblown days
does it take to heal?
that is yet to be determined.
the hurt of the past
can reach for many miles
I can't go any further away from my past
without falling into the Pacific Ocean.

I have been experiencing 
"retracing" due to upper cervical chiropractic care
and it does some funky things to the mind and body
It is a healing process and it basically releases
past traumas and the 
mind body and soul 
relives the experience.
When the resurfacing occurs 
it makes me feel anxiety and
that I thought had vanished.
I worked through a lot
of my kid fears
and went through the painful
realization that I was with a man
who was not good for me
when l lived in Pittsburgh and
went through therapy.
I worked myself into courage
to get out
and I soared out of the depressed sadness
into a new life I created for myself,
but I didn't get to just settle somewhere 
and live happily ever-after.

there are sacrifices 
reality checks
Living in Seattle is expensive
and it hasn't been easy to live here
the way I have been on my own
with my meager income.
I haven't made it this far to give up
so I have to make some changes to 
my lifestyle to make this work.
I will be moving twenty more minutes 
away from the Puget Sound but 
I can handle that.
I think my biggest fear has been
taking this chance and failing.
I want to make this work
I have been now for two years
and it has been a challenge.
I miss the support of my friends and family
but they are with me always
no matter how far away.
I have met new people
but I want to meet more kindred
I have made friends far away
in Philadelphia and Dallas.
I have good connections here
through my healing.
It takes a while to settle into a place
I started to feel the urge to try someplace new
but my finances keep me here for now.
I can get out of the financial hole
and make better choices.

Life is different from what I thought it would be
growing up 
a family
a home 
a career
I don't have any of those things
but I have the sea
and my freedom
it's the best thing for me
the salt water
the waves, 
the air
the sand.
It has been healing
and the layers of false protection
are chiseled away
being healthy in 
utilizing methods of healing
acupuncture, massage, meditation,
I spend a lot of time by myself
It feels liberating to drop the weight
that I've been carrying around
I still have further to go
but I am happy with where I am now
I have an occasional glass of wine
or indulge in goat cheese
but I basically stick with the veggie and protein lifestyle
I have been reading the Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron and it
is helping me understand a lot about myself.
All the guilt I've felt about not constantly being on the go, for example.
It is OK to take a day of rest.  I am allowed to do as much or as little as I wish.
Overstimulation exhausts me and to recharge I have to be alone and quiet.
Sometimes I just need quiet
chill and relaxing peace.
how badly do I want something?
to write. . .I AM writing.
To take photographs. . .I do that as well.
I am doing what I love,
It is just not in the bulk of my time that I spend doing that which I love.
I perhaps need to change my perspective.
I spend my time at my job helping people,
and that is something that I am passionate about.
I am maybe not doing it the way I want right now
but I am helping people. 
It's funny how light from the sun
reflecting on the water
can make it look so much bluer and vibrant.

The grey day can make the water look murky and dull.
It's a huge difference to view life
with light or through sadness and darkness.
We don't get to have sunshine everyday
but when it comes it is glorious.
It's the same water no matter what eyes we use to look upon it.

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