Wednesday, April 28, 2010

strange



strange

thought i knew you well

thought i had read the sky

thought i had read a change

in your eyes 

so strange

woke up to a world

that i am not a part

except when i can play

it's stranger

after all what were you really looking for

and i wonder when will i learn

blue isn't red everybody knows this



and i wonder when will i learn

when will i learn

guess i was in

deeper than i thought i was

if i have enough love

for the both of us



"just stay"

you said "we'll build a nest"

so i left my life

tried on your friends

tried on your opinions.

so when the bridges froze

and you did not come home

i put our snowflake

under a microscope

after all what was i really looking for

and i wonder when will i learn

maybe my wish knew better than i did

and i wonder so strange now

i'm finally in

the party has begun

it's not like i can't feel you still

but strange what i will leave behind

you call me one more time

but now i must be leaving
-Tori Amos

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Sip tea with nice scenery. . .



Come hang out with me in the parental backyard.  It is alive with birds and color. 
It was a very nice place to grow up.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Courage

Know your own heart
and trust it.

Be fair and honest.

Be gentle and loving.

Be considerate.

Be brave.

Be persistent.

Be accepting.

Be forgiving.

Be generous.

Be courageous.

Be willing to go outside of your comfort zone.

Understand where you are right now.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

reverse the negative









Allow my creative energy to flow as never before so that I can write a novel and have it published while I am in my 30's.  Allow my confidence and passion to radiate so that I can be healthy like never before with renewed energy to take care of myself.  Allow me to remove stress from my life and learn to remain calm and at peace regardless of the chaos that occurs around me.
Sometimes I have a hard time saying the words I want to say and they come out wrong.  When I speak the words are sarcastic and cynical, when I don't mean them to be.  I have been holding my tongue so long that my jaw hurts and the words tumble out like sharp knives. 
Today.  This moment.  Right now.  This is it.  No worries.  No regrets.  No panic.  Just relax.  When things change, I embrace the change.  I do not fret about the future.  I do not worry about the things out of my control.  I do not expect the worst.  I look forward to the next day.  I look forward to communication.  I talk and I listen with an open mind and heart.  I dream tonight, drift to sleep with good thoughts.  Good things will come.  I ask questions.  I do not pretend.  I do not hide myself.  I am OK no matter what happens.  I do not accept fear as my guide.  I accept those I care about where they are right now.  I hope for understanding.  I believe in love.  I experience miracles. 
I am honest and truthful; I just want to be me.


Fool enough to almost be it
Cool enough to not quite see it

Doomed

Pick your pockets full of sorrow

And run away with me tomorrow

June



We'll try and ease the pain

But somehow we'll feel the same

Well, no one knows

Where our secrets go



I send a heart to all my dearies

When your life is so, so dreary

Dream

I'm rumored to the straight and narrow

While the harlots of my perils

Scream



And I fail

But when I can, I will

Try to understand

That when I can, I will



Mother weep the years I'm missing

All our time can't be given

Back

Shut my mouth and strike the demons

That cursed you and your reasons

Out of hand and out of season

Out of love and out of feeling

So bad



When I can, I will

Words defy the plan

When I can, I will



Fool enough to almost be it

And cool enough to not quite see it

And old enough to always feel this

Always old, I'll always feel this



No more promise no more sorrow

No longer will I follow

Can anybody hear me

I just want to be me

When I can, I will

Try to understand

That when I can, I will
 
-Smashing Pumpkins

Thursday, April 1, 2010

unwind

all this untangling has been exhausting. . .so tonight is it time to unwind. 

Pad Thai, Counting Crows, a hot bubbly bath. . .my favorite lemongrass tea, and a nice little neck massage from my honey.  I had to skip the knitting lesson today, I am not making much progress. . .I keep pulling it apart and starting over.



Time for a break.

Anna Begins-Counting Crows

My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing."


I am not worried, I am not overly concerned.

My friend implores me, "For one time only,

make an exception." I am not worried.

Wrap her up in a package of lies,

Send her off to a coconut island.

I am not worried, I am not overly concerned with the status of my emotions.

"Oh," she says, "you're changing."

We're always changing...



It does not bother me to say this isn't love.

Because if you don't want to talk about it then it isn't love.

And I guess I'm gonna have to live with that.

But I'm sure there's something in a shade of grey,

Or something in between,

And I can always change my name

If that's what you mean.



My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing."

But I am not really worried, I am not overly concerned.

You try to tell yourself the things you try to tell yourself

To make yourself forget. To make yourself forget. I am not worried.

"If it's love," she said, "then we're gonna have to think about the consequences."

But she can't stop shaking and I can't stop touching her and...



This time when kindness falls like rain

It washes her away. And Anna begins to change her mind.

"These seconds when I'm shaking leave me shuddering for days," she says.

And I'm not ready for this sort of thing.



But I'm not gonna break and I'm not gonna worry about it anymore.

I'm not gonna bend, and I'm not gonna break. And I'm not going to worry about it anymore.

It seems like I should say, "As long as this is love..."

But it's not all that easy, so maybe I should

Snap her up in a butterfly net and pin her down on a photograph album.

I am not worried cuz I've done this sort of thing before.

But then I start to think about the consequences,

And I don't get no sleep in a quiet room and...



This time when kindness falls like rain

It washes me away. And Anna begins to change my mind.

And everytime she sneezes I believe it's love and,

Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing.



She's talking in her sleep.

It's keeping me awake. And Anna begins to toss and turn.

And every word is nonsense but I understand and,

Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing.



Her kindness bangs a gong,

It's moving me along. And Anna begins to fade away.

It's chasing me away. She disappears, and

Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing.