Sunday, February 2, 2014

Picture it, imagine it

I wrote the journal entry below when I was unemployed over three years ago and uprooted from my "previous life".  I see the life that I desire now coming to fruition.  It doesn't happen instantly.  It is all a process.  Baby steps.  I made it this far.  I moved across the county to a place that feels like vacation when I am not at work.  That is a great feeling.  I see lots of art, culture, energy, and beauty all around me.  I've met people on similar journeys as my own.  I am getting closer to the paying off debt, that is the next step.  I have been procrastinating about it for a long time.  The first couple of years in Seattle were a huge struggle financially.  I am far from being comfortable financially, but I don't feel the anxiety and stress I used to feel before.  Living off of credit cards is a horrible feeling.  I did not give up though.  The Pacific Northwest is where my heart wants to be.  Seattle is my favorite place.  I love being close to Portland and Vancouver BC too.

I found this picture of myself today when I was sorting through boxes.  I was 17 in this photo.  My friend Lisa took this of me when we were in a Graphic Arts class.  Carefree and happy.  At least that is what I choose to remember about that time in my life.  There has been so much pressure and fear and disappointment along the way that sometimes it is hard to be vulnerable and carefree.  But I will promise myself to try. 
I have been trying to get into a photography program but most classes are "continuing education" and they don't allow student loans.  I know that I can take out a regular loan or figure out how to pay as I go.  It comes down to being faced with the dreaded budget.  If I pay as I go, I have to really pay attention to where I spend my money.  I have to check off this part of my list, to get to some of the other goodies on the list.  "Pay all my debt."

I found this list I made of my personality traits during my unemployment time.  I guess it is an ongoing project--finding myself.  I find myself and then sometimes I lose myself in being "helpful" to others.  "Helpful" because it doesn't end up being helpful, just sort of co-dependent or unsolicited.  
It made me laugh that I crossed out "relaxed". It is so true that I have a really hard time relaxing.  I am often too wound up to relax.  My psychologist suggested that I try a supplement to relax.  It is called Pharma GABA.  It does seem to help me relax. . .you can find it on Amazon.  

When I am tempted to beat myself up for not being more than what I am, I need to refer back to this list.  I am me, and I know who I am.  I possess all of these wonderful traits and that is enough.    

happy moments