Sunday, February 13, 2011

being me

So I went to a show last night in Seattle by myself.  It was not so scary to go alone, even though I thought it might be.  I ate coconut curry at a restaurant called Boom Noodle.  I had some sake.  I felt the urge to write while I was waiting for the show to start.  I got there too early, and Sebadoh wasn't going on stage until way later.  I felt happy just being there.  I didn't really talk to anyone too much.  I found a perfect parking spot across the street.  I was just happy to go to a show that I had always wanted to see.  I was alone and it didn't matter.  None of it really matters.  I loved being there in the moment.  It feels good to be in touch with who I am.  I wanted to be there and I was euphoric. 
If life hadn't taken the turns that it had, I wouldn't have had the chance to be sitting in that moment.  This is the place where I am supposed to be right now.  This is what life is all about.  Living. Taking a chance and just going for it.  If you are scared to drive downtown, do it anyways.  If you are scared to go to a concert by yourself, do it anyways.  If you are scared to go to lots of job interviews, do them anyways.
I was sitting at a candle lit table last night, and there were people sitting around me.  The DJ was playing The Pogues.  The song from the movie PS I Love You.  It reminded me of the past.  Is it possible that the release and the push forward was done out of love?  I like to think so, and maybe I will hold on to that.  It makes me feel better to think the best.

I have nothing to lose.  I have a heart full of wonder and excitement for the possibilities that life holds.  I will keep moving forward and trying my hardest to trust that it will all work out.  I will allow myself to be exposed to the hurt and pain.  I don't ever want to lose the ability to feel deeply.  I allow the pain and I release it.  It is all part of being a human being.  We all experience hurt and disappointment.  It is okay.  Just let go and let it happen.

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