Sunday, November 25, 2012

seagulls and sea air

The holidays are here, and the holiday blues are upon me.  It is terribly difficult to be away from my family for the holidays.  It is also very difficult to be in a long distance romantic relationship.  The perks of having someone to hold seems like an unattainable dream when he is so far away.  The emotional support is there, but the warmth of his arms are not.  I know it won't always be like this but it is happening now and it is very hard.  I send all my love out to the universe to all the people that I love that I cannot physically be with right now.

 What is the sacrifice worth to be where I want to be?  This short and tiny life spent away from everyone that I love.  To explore and find where I fit in, but do I really fit in here?  This fragile little place and time and space.  How many more times will I have to do certain things?  Like laugh with my mom and hold her hand?  How many more times do I get to go for walks with my dad?  How many more times do I get to smell the autumn wind mixed with campfires and dead leaves in Northeastern Ohio?  When I was there I was restless, and felt like I needed to leave.  Now I am in a place that I adore and miss all the friends and family who are not with me.
It is all so fleeting as the hot salty tears roll onto my lip, I lick them and taste the bittersweetness of it all.
This life is my own, but the desire to share it overwhelms me.  I enjoy my solitude but I don't like feeling isolated.

Being without yet having so much.  This is what I wanted, and I am making it happen every day.
The holidays are a melancholy time for me.  There is an underlying nostalgia for childhood and the excitement I used to feel.  I decorate my little studio apartment only for me, and try to grasp a moment of that feeling once again.  It's not the same, and I feel so far away from home.  I try not to give in to the depression that creeps in, but it may be better to embrace the sadness until it is experienced and let it go, when it is ready.

I went for a walk today to shake off the funky mood that has it's fingers around my throat, and the clutching funk dissipated for a little while.  I think about how I avoid the funk on the weekdays.  I've been keeping myself busy with exercising and healthy eating, and now riding the bus instead of driving to work, the few things that I have control over.
The seagulls and the brisk sea air comforted me today as I observed my surroundings.  They are a poor substitute for the loving family I left in Ohio, or for my sweet Texan beau but they remind me that I am not alone.  There will be a time when I have a job that allows me to go home for the holidays.  There will be a time when I can afford to buy plane tickets and Christmas presents again.  There will be a time when I can relax and not worry about living paycheck to paycheck.

I was listening to this song when I was watching the seagulls flying over my head.

A woman at the beach last week smiled at me in the rain.  She and I were the only brave souls on a dreary rainy day walking on the shore.  She asked me if I was looking for sea-glass and when I told her that I was, she handed me a whole handful of it.  Something amazing always happens at Discovery Park.  Gifts in my hand, sea-glass mixed with sand.  She walked on and left me smiling and thankful.

I've learned a lot recently.  About how money management is a lot like weight management.  We all have to start somewhere and it is going to be painful and getting started is difficult.  It is worth the effort when you see the results.  It takes time and there is no easy answer for quick fix.  There is no magic solution.  Hard work, diligence, determination  willpower.  In order to achieve the goals we set for ourselves there have to be sacrifices made to reach them.  I've given up dairy, alcohol, cigarettes, gluten and sugar.  I've lost twenty five pounds so far and many inches off of my bust, waist and hips.  This did not happen over night.  Learning how to manage money is not going to happen over night either.  I pray for grace.
The desires of my heart take work to reach.  There will be rewards for the hard work, tapping into the richness of life in the universe by way of self respect and self care.  I trust that God has put these desires in my heart for a reason.
There are behaviors and choices I make everyday that I question, but all I can do is be better tomorrow. I must keep trying and power through the tiredness and the pain.  Keep moving.

Abundance I invite into my life, not just having enough, but overflowing.  Joy, financial security, travel, photography, creativity, love, experiences.
There is so much for which I am grateful.  I am grateful for options.  I've found some solid ways to ease the stress of life through exercise, healthy eating, life coaching, visiting the nutritionist, acupuncture, meditation and prayer.
I am brave, I am fearless, I can do anything I want to do.  I will do the things I have set out to do.  I have the strength and endurance to reach my goals.
My goals are to be kind to others, be wise with money and relationships and to listen to my intuition.
There are lots of different paths that lead to the same destination, and sometimes the destination changes because of the paths we choose.  

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