i like

six months

 This picture above was taken at Volunteer Park Cafe in North Capitol Hill.  The tea I was drinking was called Harmony.  It was wonderful. 

So I found a moment to sit at a cafe and write.  It is a Sunday afternoon and I am sipping a mug of mint tea in Wallingford.  I am at Irwin's Bakery and Coffee Shop on the corner of N 40th St and Bagley Ave. N. The street is busier than I was hoping for as far as being peaceful but that is when you have to find the peace within and drown out the noise around you.

I just spent the last few hours walking around the arboretum with one of my friends.  I didn't feel like probing him with questions today.  I just wanted peace for myself and spent some time reflecting.  We spent a lot of our time together in silence.  It is a beautiful beginning of fall and I am in love with this place and this season.

I am blessed to have a steady income.  I am blessed with a job.  

I appreciate the opportunity to take all of this in, the beauty I witnessed yesterday was one of the most amazing sites I've ever seen in my life.

 The smell of the flowers, the perfection of nature, the scenery that looks like a postcard.  Mount Rainier is magnificent, and this place is called Paradise.  It reminded me of the movie What Dreams May Come.  It felt like being in a fantasy location.  The pictures do not do this place justice.  

I am where I am meant to be.  God is revealing his blessings to me, the gifts of friendships, the gifts of nature, the gifts of life and awareness.  I am so grateful for everything.  Thank you God so much for blessing me.  I am so overwhelmed with gratitude. 

There is a time and a season for everything and this is a season of reflection and a time for gratitude.  I smell chocolate chip cookies baking as I watch leaves whirl in little wind storms around my feet.  I am listening to Hildegard Von Bingen and enjoying the afternoon sun on the back of my neck.

Six months I have been in Seattle and I have settled into a new life.  I have made friends. My familiar is pleasing to me, the sights I behold while in the daily grind.  I smell the scent of roasting coffee beans every morning as a drive through Fremont.  I see the Space Needle everyday, and Lake Washington.  On a clear day I can see Mount Rainier, and on a hazy one, I know it is there.

I am so happy for this moment. I feel at peace right now.

nostalgia

This is one of the songs that reminds me of my first love.   I wanted to move to Seattle over a decade ago, and because that love relationship fell apart, I stopped trying to live that dream.  Now I am here.  I didn't expect it.  Had I made that move years ago there is so much that has happened since then that has shaped me into the person that I am that I would have missed.  There are wonderful people that I wouldn't have met.  Lips I wouldn't have kissed.  The timing is God's timing, and when I try to rush into things, it doesn't work out.  The worry and the anxiety, doesn't need to be. 
I was digging through all my boxes searching for the title to my vehicle the past couple of days and I kept finding things that reminded me of the struggles and pain I went through this past year.  It unearthed the feelings that I have been avoiding or maybe I have pushed below the surface.  Reminders of mistakes I have made.
My mom has been such an encouraging person in my life.  I have found so many cards, letters and little notes that she has given me over the years.  I laughed and cried and dug through the next box and found more. 
When I realize that I have moved so far away from my family and friends, it is bittersweet.  I am doing what I wanted, and they encouraged me, but I feel like there are things that I am missing there.  I can't just hang out with my mom any time I want.  I can't drive over to my best friend's house to help her paint her kitchen.  Our lives go on and they are voices on the phone, and they live their lives and I live mine.  Parallel, but not directly intertwined.
I don't know what the future will be for me.  Something led me to this place.  After all the searching, the title was in the first box that I had opened, right where I thought it was all along.  Now all the boxes are everywhere and and I will have to put everything back in place.  I guess it was time for the reminders.

undertow

i am loving this song.

promises to myself

1. watch more sunsets
2. breathe deeply
3. listen to my intuition
4. go for hikes
5. take chances
6. be a light

The beautiful connection

the crumbling
falling down
being gentle and kind
safely release
and watch it drift away
like a leaf on a river

 we do what we want
trying to make things feel good
trying to make it all make sense
make it work
make up
we wear make up to cover up
what we don't want to see
or enhance the face of truth to
pull out the beauty
that lies
lies lies lies
to ourselves
to seal
the wounds that tear open
when we reveal too much

sometimes i seem to forget myself and what makes me unique.  I really love who I am and I don't really love how I feel when i forget who I am.  It sucks to lose myself and it sends me into chaos and confusion.  It is ok to cry because I hurt or because I am happy.  It is authentic and true and it comes from a pure place.  I don't apologize or feel like I am weak.  I am strong and I have intense feelings, things are always enhanced for me and I am grateful.  This is why I must write.  This is my gift, I can make the world around me come to life with my words and my emotions and I can share it.  I have lots of stories pouring out of me.  Journals filled with my words, and more to come.  I have music surrounding me and each day is a sweet melodic gift.  So many things I want to experience.  There need not be darkness clouding over me.   I don't want the sadness to keep me down.  I will allow the mourning and the tears to flow and then let it go and go forward into the next day.  The place where I am is where I am supposed to be and I am grateful for all of it. 

questions

When I see the sea once more
will the sea have seen or not seen me?

Why do the waves ask me
the same questions I ask them?

And why do they strike the rock
with so much wasted passion?

Don't they get tired of repeating
their declaration to the sand?

-Pablo Neuruda from The Book of Questions

my heart is holding back

my heart is holding back all the love i want to pour out onto another.  this is not the time for it.  i feel my feelings growing in my safety zone fantasy world yet again, and i stop myself.  the ebb and flow like the ocean waters, learning my lessons from past experiences.  i feel gushy and lovey in a world of make believe then i become aware of my pattern, and i pull away.  fantasy does not bring satisfaction, it is a false sense of comfort, and i refuse to allow myself to entertain it's empty rewards.  there is joy and beauty in friendship, but acknowledging boundaries is healthy.  flirtations and silly daydreams are fun but they distract me from my true desires.  why can't i turn that fantasy love into real self love instead?  i can, actually and i am making up my mind right now to practice self love.  exercise, prayer, meditation, eating healthy food, and practicing self awareness.  if i do not feel comfortable in my own skin then i need to do something about it.  i know i can because i have done it before.  so here it goes, "operation chelle in shape" begins now.  starts today.  i am determined and focused.  i am ready now.  i will track my calories and join a gym.  i have a lot more confidence in myself and more energy when i am taking care of my body.

the happy ever after girl

had a lovely weekend filled with yummy blackberry spice and lavender vanilla martinis at the chapel, goth club dancing at the mercury,  2 am sidewalk dancing next to my truck, good friends, craft time, Ingrid Michaelson, Avett Brothers, Sammy Davis Jr., homemade oyster mushroom and artichoke pizza, dandelion botanical co. chai, kumbucha, a little toeheaded giggle monster, Puget Sound waves, bubble bath. . .

my heart smiles

There's a charmer who mesmerizes
there's a voice that soothes
there's music to calm
there's a mirror to reflect
there's trust to test
can I take the plunge?
feel pretty confident
I can trust
surprisingly I've found trust
regardless of the past
showing myself the
changes in my life
are pulling me into the truest
state of me
where I shine the most
where I attract
what my heart desires
love, kindness, serenity,
laughter,
friendship,
soulful connection,
my heart smiles.

my guardian angel

I know you watch over me. <3

and she knows

and she knows someday 

she will fall in love again

and she won't chase it down 

like a dream she cannot catch

it will come 

and it will be easy

like a hand slipping into another hand

comfortable and warm

it will not feel like running into a brick wall

instead it will energize and renew

she will feel at ease

at home

he won't be a false prophet

he will be as he appears

the truth on the surface

no need to dive and drown

"Inside myself is a place where I live all alone and that is where I renew my springs that never dry up." 

-Pearl S. Buck

strange day

up and down and all over the place.  that is how i feel sometimes.

I glow today and the tears fade away
they absorb into smiles
and dry even in the Seattle rain
the days in Pittsburgh enter my mind
the clouds of darkness
thick with depression and soul sadness
my gentle spirit with daily wounds
now healing in a comforting nest
I feel like I have found my home.

we do the best we can-sometimes we fall down and sometimes we have to pick ourselves up and keep going.  Who really knows what all of this means.  Why we're here or what happens when we die.  Be kind. Be real. Be genuine.  Let life take it's course.  What am I doing with my life?  What is the purpose of our being here?
I seek the truth.  I long for meaningful connection.  I seek protection for my sensitive heart.  Direction for my longing soul.  I feel the anger and hurt washing away but now what?  I moved myself across the USA. . .  What happens now?  Where does this path lead?
Sometimes I feel so far away, the distance between me and all that I have known.  But I know I needed to do this.  I can't hug anyone from this far away but my heart is with them.

life's soundtrack. . .

just listen to this while doing mundane activities that take up our lives, it will make it feel a little more like an adventure.  I promise. . .

what i do when i can't sleep

From Movies

click on pic, and it will take you to a video. . .Tool is the band.  Song is called Disposition.

I stuck it on youtube too. . .

My Ghost Story

This episode features a picture that I took in the Moonville Tunnel several years ago.  The story begins @ 25:07.

need a break

I want to be free from my thoughts today. 

kisses

I want more JOY, sunshine, ocean waves, campfires, hiking, smiles, courage, hope, seashells,.  I want less fear, questioning myself, insecurity.
I miss being kissed. . .I remember my first kiss ever. . .well, the one that I technically allowed to count as my 1st kiss, was a foreign exchange student from Siberia.  I wanted it to be perfect. . .and for a moment it was. . .  The girls I went to that party with screamed and giggled with me in the car when we were leaving the party.  It was a rush, and it made me feel so excited.  There have been some memorable kisses along the journey. 

It has been so long since I experienced a sweet kiss.  I long for that, simple and tender.  Tilt my head back and feel soft lips, taste sweet breath and a gently dancing tongue attached to a yummy fun guy with strong arms and a sexy smile.  It is like playing a guess who kind of game, what will this new man be like?  I can't see him clearly in my mind, but I know he's out there.  New lips, a new voice, new love.  It will find me, it will find me.  I will be patient for it.  A sweet one who understands me and who wants to know me inside, and experience life with me.  For now it is just me and I pour out my energy and recharge my own energy.  I embrace the cycle, be filled with the light and it will be a beacon to the love I crave. . .When I found the glass heart on the beach, it filled me with hope that this path is meant to be.  In the meantime I will sway to the music in my soul and hope that love will sing back my tune. . .

mogwai saturday. . .

ready to be transported!

love this. . .

"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." -Joseph Campbell

"Follow your bliss.
If you do follow your bliss,
you put yourself on a kind of track
that has been there all the while waiting for you,
and the life you ought to be living
is the one you are living.
When you can see that,
you begin to meet people
who are in the field of your bliss,
and they open the doors to you.
I say, follow your bliss and don't be afraid,
and doors will open
where you didn't know they were going to be.
If you follow your bliss,
doors will open for you that wouldn't have opened for anyone else."
— Joseph Campbell