close your eyes
let me touch you now
let me give you something that is real
close the door
leave your fears behind
let me give you what you're giving me
you are the only thing
that makes me want to live at all
when i am with you
there's no reason to pretend
that when i am with you i feel flames again
just put me inside you
i would never ever leave
just put me inside you
i would never ever leave
you
Love overwhelms me and I can hardly take it. The cleansing tears that flow flood the eye gates and pour down my cheeky mounds, exposed, can't hide, but no one here seems to be aware of my tears and in silence they fall, unnoticed and unburdening. The invisibility that I feel sometimes makes me feel like a spirit or a ghost haunting this space. The security and the calm of going unnoticed, isn't that what I wanted? It is easier to be invisible that it is to be on display. When you are noticed, therein lies a much greater risk of being hurt. But at what cost? If you don't put yourself out there you can miss opportunities to connect with people who energize and allow you to shine. Don't be afraid to be who you are, let your soul shine out and don't worry about being hurt. There is a chance I could be surprised by not being hurt-there's no need for the false protection anymore. Remove it, let it melt away with your past need for comfort. Respect your body and feed it with health and love. I feel the hot tears brimming my eyelids and making me feel tired and vulnerable. I can feel the release and there is a pocket of emotion longing to escape. To free me. I don't need the layers of protection anymore. I am free from the things that have bound me. The need for comfort no longer needed is like saying goodbye to a lover The relationship is not desired anymore and breaking away is hard but it is needed in order for me to keep growing inside. Pruning away, dissolving. Can I truly say goodbye to the insecurities or will it be a battle for always? There is no one to whom I have to prove myself. I am here not to be anything but me.
I love the freedom. I was always free, I was the only one holding myself back, but I didn't realize it at the time. Send light and love to the past, embrace it like a friend and let it go, Michelle. There is no one and nothing holding you onto the past, nothing but you. Use it as a building block, not a stumbling block. There is no one out there to get you. There is not a cosmic joke being played on you, there is no rug that will be pulled. There is just the road ahead and the steps of today. Let the joy wash over you today and know that you are submerged in pure beautiful love.
Don't worry about loneliness, each day will bring what is needed. Don't wish your life away, be happy with this moment. I don't have to be afraid of anything. Just be confident and let the love flow. The universe will set things right and balance itself out. God will not leave someone who is praying for miracles out in the cold. He heard my cries, and he held me through all of it. I can trust that keeping an eye on the truth will keep me from colliding with the sadness that blanketed me in the dark times. The time of complete confusion has ended, now there is clarity.
Yesterday I went for a walk on the shore, and it brought tears of joy to my eyes. I cried because I am so happy to be here. I feel so blessed. I get the opportunity to experience the ocean shore and the waves crashing anytime I want. How awesome is that? It made me feel so excited. It is better than I ever dreamed.
When I look back at what I have been through this past year it makes me appreciate all of this. I am ready to laugh, have a good time and be lighthearted.
Realness. Reality. I don't want to live in a fantasy world. I want to be part of this reality. I am pushing forward and making things happen instead of living in the fantasies inside my head. I have to find the truth no matter how bad it sucks sometimes. The sucky truth led me to this beautiful reality.
I have learned that loving someone is not about the romance. It is not about saying what you think the other person wants to hear. It is about seeing all aspects of someone, whether you like it all or not, and loving them anyways. It is seeing them for who they really are. Not allowing the romantic notions get in the way of actually letting someone just BE. It is much more amazing to accept someone just the way they are and to acknowledge the flaws, not pretend they aren't there. The constant truth. I always see the good in people, but I want to accept the not so good or see the whole picture not just want I want to see or hear. I don't want to just acknowledge what suites me. Love is about having a real connection with someone, not a pretend or forced one.
If I pull the focus away from what I want to see, I can see the beauty of being human, seeing the raw realness. Seeing the truth, we are all flawed but we all have that in common. It is a shame to waste moments being insecure or unsure of ourselves, when we are all human. I am me, and you are you. There are friendships and connections to be made, and it will come naturally in time. When I am open to receive, I will and it will be amazing. Trust that it will happen, and it will. I will not be left alone in this world.
Expectations are not a good idea. It is better to just go with it and see what happens. Expectations set us up for disappointment. What is the point of doing that to yourself? When I give myself a break and relax, life will bring me what I need. Time to enjoy the ride.
this song got me though the high altitude drive through Wyoming, that and a whole lot of praying (and driving 35 mph). I thought my vehicle was going to die in the middle of nowhere, it was a rough road. Dragging a Uhaul through Wyoming is NOT fun! But the good news is that Wyoming eventually came to an end, like all things that suck!!!
It is time to move. It is time to go. When I get there I will find what I am looking for. I am a little bit nervous, but I believe with all my heart that this is going to be a beautiful time in my life. I am ready for it.
Sophia by Butterfly Explosion
Soul Meets Body by Death Cab for Cutie
On the Mend-Foo Fighters
Same Suburb Different Park-Firekites
Heavy Water/I'd Rather Be Sleeping-Grouper
Boy With A Coin-Iron & Wine
Yellowcake-Kaki King
Pachuca Sunrise (Alias Remix) Minus the Bear
Take Me Somewhere Nice-Mogwai
Bloodbuzz Ohio-The National
Penelope-Pinback
Not a Friend-Sebadoh
Catch & Release-Silversun Pickups
Butterfly-The Verve
Soldier-Ingrid Michaelson
Oh Father-Sia
Black Swan-Thom Yorke
It is so easy to fall into the victim mentality. To be a victim of circumstances or choices. To blame everyone else for everything that happens in my life. It is easy to say I was "done wrong" or treated unfairly or unkindly. I can point fingers and blame all day. Victimization is a cop-out and it doesn't bring anything positive to any one's life. It can wear down a person and suck all the joy out of life.
I accept responsibility for my own choices. All that I have chosen has led me to this moment.
Do you allow criticism or praise of others determine your self worth? If the only reflection you have of yourself is influenced by others opinions, prepare for a rough road ahead. To depend on others for your worth is to set yourself up for disaster. You don't need anyone else's approval to be who you are. This is your life. Nothing anyone else has to say should penetrate your heart more than the internal conversation you have inside yourself. No one else can be strong enough to carry you through life. Pick yourself up and carry on. Hold your head high and listen to the loving voice inside your soul.
If I never had to deal with negative people it would be so much easier to get through life. But the idealist still has to see the dirty, nasty, ugly side of human nature and accept that not everyone is loving. Not everyone has my best interest in mind. There are people who will hurt me in my life. There are people who will try to manipulate and control me if they get the opportunity. Bullies pick on the weak and if you allow yourself to be subjected to the cruelty then it will remain your pattern. Perpetual victim does not sound like an appealing way to live life. The way to avoid being picked on is to get back up and brush yourself off. Take a deep breath, smile and be strong. Be braver and wiser. Be aware.
We are born into this life with the freedom to make our own choices. Am I going to dwell on the sadness and pain? Or am I going to realize and accept people the way they are. I can spend my time with people who feed my soul and nurture it, and avoid energy suckers. That is the beauty of free will. If someone constantly puts you or himself down, or is cynical and mean all the time, get away from him.
When you have victim mentality and you are subjected to a negative person; you can be influenced easily. You can be dragged into darkness and sadness. Gradually manipulated and seduced into a life of submission by someone who hates himself so much that the only thing that makes him feel better is to control another person. It is truly a reflection of how you feel about yourself if you think that is what you deserve. "This is as good as it gets." That is bullshit, my friends. If you love yourself you will fight your way to the surface of the sea you in which you drown. When you glow with love from the inside you will attract light.
I watched a movie a while back and there was a quote that stuck with me. "The person who cares the least has all the power in a relationship". Relationships shouldn't be a power struggle. It should be based on mutual respect and understanding. Built on a foundation of trust and truth. If one person in the relationship is doing all the work then the dynamics are off kilter. If you find yourself bending over backwards contantly, or carrying the load yourself, take a moment to re-evaluate. If you find yourself constantly being the one that compromises, there is something wrong.
If you constantly feel like you are running into a brick wall then that is a sure sign that you have reached a dead end in your current path. Relationships need to grow. You need to grow as an individual too. If the person you are in a relationship with does not want to grow with you, then it is time to move on. Some relationships fail and it is an opportunity to change directions. Being open to blessings and allowing the layers of false protection to be peeled away creates healing, strength and peace.
Life will always bring negative voices trying to bring me down, but I don't have to listen to them. I can do anything that I want to do, and I will. My will is strong and my courage is even stronger. The old patterns are so easy to fall back into because the groove runs so deeply. When I feel like I am on the edge, about to fall back in, I have to stay focused on the now. Time travel isn't healthy when the past has so much pain. It isn't healthy to dwell on the ideal someday either. Making the future consists of the baby steps of now, the building blocks of a life that makes sense and helps me to flourish.
We all just want to love and be loved, to be accepted, to feel special. If the God shaped hole is filled first, then the rest of the space inside our hearts will be filled with the blessings from God. God scooped me up and he holds me now, and it feels better than any arms that have ever held me. His love has taken me on journeys that I have been longing to take for so long. I am just beginning.
Even on my weak days I climb back with resilience. Hard times build character if you accept the truth and learn from your mistakes. Sometimes the hardest times in our lives can lead us to our greatest joys.
So I went to a show last night in Seattle by myself. It was not so scary to go alone, even though I thought it might be. I ate coconut curry at a restaurant called Boom Noodle. I had some sake. I felt the urge to write while I was waiting for the show to start. I got there too early, and Sebadoh wasn't going on stage until way later. I felt happy just being there. I didn't really talk to anyone too much. I found a perfect parking spot across the street. I was just happy to go to a show that I had always wanted to see. I was alone and it didn't matter. None of it really matters. I loved being there in the moment. It feels good to be in touch with who I am. I wanted to be there and I was euphoric.
If life hadn't taken the turns that it had, I wouldn't have had the chance to be sitting in that moment. This is the place where I am supposed to be right now. This is what life is all about. Living. Taking a chance and just going for it. If you are scared to drive downtown, do it anyways. If you are scared to go to a concert by yourself, do it anyways. If you are scared to go to lots of job interviews, do them anyways.
I was sitting at a candle lit table last night, and there were people sitting around me. The DJ was playing The Pogues. The song from the movie PS I Love You. It reminded me of the past. Is it possible that the release and the push forward was done out of love? I like to think so, and maybe I will hold on to that. It makes me feel better to think the best.
I have nothing to lose. I have a heart full of wonder and excitement for the possibilities that life holds. I will keep moving forward and trying my hardest to trust that it will all work out. I will allow myself to be exposed to the hurt and pain. I don't ever want to lose the ability to feel deeply. I allow the pain and I release it. It is all part of being a human being. We all experience hurt and disappointment. It is okay. Just let go and let it happen.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
I have had a lot of time to myself this week.Silence.Solitude.Quietness.My spirit has been resting in the comfort of my own company.In the midst of this solitude, I have had a lot of time to think.Love is one of the things on my mind. God's love is so powerful and healing. He loves us so much and wants to bless our lives. He puts people in our lives to teach us more about ourselves. Love can be found in a person who brings out the best in you.A person you feel completely comfortable with and don’t ever feel uneasy with or judged.Someone who supports your dreams and wouldn't even think of holding you back for selfish reasons.
Being able to share your thoughts and laugh. Fitting together easily without resistance or awkwardness. Maybe this person isn’t someone you end up spending your life with, but someone who shows you the possibilities of what love can be. Maybe it was someone who only touched your life for a short time, but left a bigger impact than you even realized. It can be revealed to you in a subtle quiet way, and it doesn’t even hit you until years later. Maybe great love isn't mushy romantic love, but respect and appreciation for you being you and me being me. Maybe that love is more about the love you can show yourself because you know you deserve to be treated good by the people who are in your life. If you truly love yourself then you attract genuine love.
I think it is important to share with people how much they mean to you. It matters to be honest
with yourself and with others. Be real. Be yourself all the time. Don’t hide in your shell. If people don’t accept you for whom you are, then you aren’t spending time with the right people. It is healing to shout love from the mountains. It doesn’t matter if that love is reciprocated or rejected. Let the love flow freely and it will flow in the right direction.
It is ok to reflect on the past, but not to live there.When you are working through the
pain and ignorance of the past sometimes it can lead to the greatest discoveries about yourself. I am not scared or worried anymore. I am me again. Happy, bold and excited about life. I love connecting with people. I love to laugh. I love blasting my music. I love freedom.
I have no regrets about the way that life has unfolded because it was all necessary to get me to this day. I don’t know what tomorrow holds and I am not worried. The fear is gone.
Note to self: This guy is not holding on to the wall behind him. He is jumping forward. He isn't looking back, he is reaching out to the next wall, and he might fall in that water, but he is all in with his whole body. LEAP!!!!!!!!
1. learn how to knit (I did learn!) but i need to take some more lessons.2. buy a pair of brown boots. (I did get a cute pair!)3. learn how to use photoshop (I found picnik)4. start planning European vacation (and putting money in a fund for it)-well, not exactly ready for this yet.5. make homemade goat cheese-nope.6. go to a poetry reading (haven't done that since my early 20's!)-nope.7. visit Jenni in Jersey and explore in NYC-I did this!!8. make a cool new friend in Pittsburgh-I met a couple of cool friends before I moved away.9. take a tai chi class-nope.10. write a short story.-partially wrote a few.11. get in the habit of waking weekdays at 6:00 am.-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. no.12. finish mosaic art project-nope. But did a lot of other art projects.13. start a photo journal of recipes my honeypie and I try.-I don't have a honeypie anymore, but I did organize all my recipes.14. re-read Jane Austen's seven novels. I didn't--work in progress.15. volunteer my time--find a cause I believe in and go! I signed up to read to children at a hospital, hasn't happened yet.16. get a tattoo!-I know what I want to get, I almost did it.17. learn a chord on the guitar.-guitar is in storage.18. pay off my credit card debt. (it isn't that bad--so completely do-able!) ALMOST THERE!19. enjoy an evening in downtown Pittsburgh. see a play, musical or ballet--NOPE.20. go to Lilith Fair--didn't make it there this year.21. take a train ride to Philadelphia--rode in a Mini with Candice to Philly. Took a train ride from Seattle to Portland!22. go on a creative retreat (or make up my own)--guess I definitely made up my own.23. memorize a poem-didn't work on this one.24. eat at an Ethiopian restaurant--I didn't try Ethiopian, but I did try Korean in NYC! YUM!25. Learn how to drive stick.(eeek)--didn't happen.26. keep a food journal on livestrong website--lasted for a few weeks.27. learn one new "updo" for my hair from my cool cousin!--Didn't learn a new hairstyle, but I did get a rockin' new do.28. take the laptop to the beehive for inspiration!-CHECK!29. get a new car-Not this year. 30. use pattern from Sublime Stitching and embroider something nifty. Nope.31.make Breakfast Lunch Tea lunch and invite guests to partake.--Maybe this spring instead.32. random road trip--throw a dart at a map and drive!-I absolutely had a random trip--through Seattle and Portland. I did a lot of random driving around Ohio too.33. publish something!--didn't do this one.Reflecting back on this past year's experiences, it was a lot of bittersweetness. Heartbreak, loss, healing, hoping and releasing. I leave 2010 knowing that the changes that occured were due to my newfound self respect and the grace of God. It is hard to keep that perspective sometimes when the doubt and worry creeps in, but I know that it is all for the best. I must also remember that sometimes, shit just happens. No one to blame, and it is out of our hands. Control and perfection are the enemies of happiness.Freedom, friendship, adventure and a future wide open in front of me. I am surrounded in love. It is a great life, and I am so blessed. 2011 is going to be awesome, I can feel it. Luckily, the light outshines the darkness in my life and no matter how far I feel like I fall down the rabbit hole sometimes, there is always a hand to grab to pull me back. the format of this is screwed up and for some reason I can't fix it. Oh well.
the snow is melting reminding me that there is green underneath the cold it reminds me that there is hope for the spring to come to keep the faith not to lose sight of what my heart is telling me not to lose the drive to create and to keep taking the baby steps and keep my eyes on the horizon. my heart wants to soar.
